Decide to be Happy

 

Anonymous asks:

I would be quite afraid to use “wiles” on my husband. I have been taught that manipulation is evil, period. Whenever I wanted anything growing up, that was manipulation and meant punishment. If I want anything from my husband, that’s manipulation and I get ignored. What’s your secret? You seem to get a lot of romance and fun out of marriage. I don’t. I can’t wait for him to get to work in the morning because I’m so stressed out worrying about whether or not I’ve done a good enough job with lunch, with this, with that, etc. I don’t dare relax or even have any fun, and I hate it.

What’s the secret? What are you supposed to do? Because, quite frankly, I don’t like being married one bit and am focusing strictly on doing my duty as I’m supposed to do. Maybe it’s too late for me, but maybe you can at least give me some ideas so my daughters can have happy, fun marriages, at least once in a while (we all know it’s not fun all the time, that’s not my point).

1. First and foremost, don’t compare your marriage to other people’s.  I understand what you were saying in your comment, but try to get the idea out of your head that you want fun and romance like them and change it to, I want fun and romance like us.  You just don’t know what the romance and fun in your marriage is going to look like yet because you have to find that out.

2.  Try to figure out why your husband doesn’t like manipulation.  Maybe he had a woman in his life who was truly manipulative in the worse sense of the word.  It could be he doesn’t trust because he has been badly burned in the past.  Be understanding of his point of view and remember this whenever things get difficult.

3. Maybe you married a quiet man.  As someone who married a quiet man myself, it took me a very long time to figure out that many of the times I thought he might be mad at me or ignoring me, it actually had nothing to do with me at all.  He was just being quiet because that is who he is.  Could this be the case for your husband?  If so, be understanding and give him his space.  Find your own thing to do during this time that makes you happy.

4.  Your husband does not create your happiness and sense of fun.  You do.  It sounds like you are depending on him for these things.  Do your duty as his wife, but make it fun while doing it.  While making his lunch and dinner, or while cleaning the house have fun.   Turn on some music, dance and sing with your girls and let them help you. Let this sense of happiness and fun last past the time your husband gets home.  When he gets home, greet him calmly yet happily at the door.  Welcome him home with a gentle kiss and a smile.  Serve him dinner with a little bounce in your step and a smile on your face.  Bring him a cup of coffee in the morning bright eyed and happy.  Have your girls do the same.  Expect nothing in return.  You are doing this because he is your husband and you love him. Not because you want anything from him.  Continue on happily with your evening.  If your husband is quiet, let him be quiet.  This quietness does not have to have an affect on your happiness.  It does because you let it (I know reading this, I make this sound like an easy task.  It’s not.  Work at it and it will get easier).  Find your own thing to do that makes you happy and let that feeling stay with you.  Be easy with your smiles and let them reach your eyes.  Your girls are going to watch you.  They will learn this skill from you.

What you may find happens, over time, is that your husband may find this contagious and become more relaxed and happy himself.  This should not be your end goal.  That would be manipulative and will turn him away.  You’re being happy because you want and choose to be happy for yourself.

5.  When you do want or need something, you sit down with your husband and you ask for it.  Tell him, “I would like to go out and have some fun with you tonight.  Will you take me out?” or  “Will you take the girls and I out for a fun night?”  There is no manipulation  there.  You are being direct with what you want.  If  he takes you, have fun!  Make up your mind to have a good time.

In all of this, the end goal is for you to be happy and have some fun.  It is not to get your husband to do the same.  Your happiness is dependent on you.  Don’t be so afraid of your husband that you can’t find joy.  Find this joy for you and your family.  Not to manipulate him.  Through all of this, you might just find that he slowly changes and finds it all contagious (this could take years or it night not happen at all.  Don’t let that deter you).  Show him that you can be fun and happy and that it is in no way manipulative.  He can trust you as his wife because you are doing your duty and you are happy.  Always, always keep in mind, changing him is not your goal.  Your happiness is your goal.  The happiness of your girls is your goal.  Work hard to always be honest and direct with your husband, but do it while being happy.

You can choose to be joyful.

 

Pray for the Martyrs

From the Daily Mail:

In a harrowing interview with the Orthodox Christian Network, [Canon Andrew White] said ISIS had killed ‘huge numbers’ of believers in Jesus.

‘Islamic State turned up and said to the children, “you say the words that you will follow Mohammad”’, he said, his voice cracking with emotion.

‘The children, all under 15, four of them, said “no, we love Yesua; we have always loved Yesua; we have always followed Yesua; Yesua has always been with us”.

‘They [ISIS] said, “Say the words.” They [the children] said, “No, we can’t”.

‘They chopped all their heads off. How do you respond to that? You just cry.

‘They are my children. That is what we have been going through and that is what we are going through.’

I am the wheat of God, and am ground by the teeth of the wild beasts, that I may be found the pure bread of God…. I long after the Lord, the Son of the true God and Father, Jesus Christ. Him I seek, who died for us and rose again…. I am eager to die for the sake of Christ. My love has been crucified, and there is no fire in me that loves anything. But there is living water springing up in me, and it says to me inwardly: Come to the Father.

Saint Ignatius of Antioch, Bishop and Martyr

Their bravery is astounding and I pray that they may bring others to Christ.

  • Their passion for Christ will be the light that draws others to Jesus (Matthew 5:14-16).

(More here)

It’s Almost Christmas

Elspeth has posted what she and her girls plan on making for Christmas this year and as I was thinking of doing this anyway, I thought I’d share.

My plan is to make:

Caramel Stuffed Apple Cider Cookies

Chocolate Mint Thins – these are similar to Elspeth’s Andes Mint cookies only the Andes are cooked right into the dough and then some are then melted and drizzled over the top.

Homemade Toffee

Homemade Caramels - Some of these I leave plain, some I dip in chocolate, and some I simply sprinkle with sea salt

Sugar cookies – For the kids to decorate and leave out for Santa – these I’ll likely cheat on and simply buy the dough from the store.  I very much do not like sugar cookies and I also do not like working with the dough.  We all enjoy decorating them, though.

This list is ambitious for me and realistically, the toffee or the caramels will be left out.  I hope to pass them to some neighbors, the mail lady and a few other people as well.  My mom used to do this when we were kids and it is such a fond memory.

What are your plans for Christmas treats and/or food?

 

NoNothingNovember

It occurs to me that I never published an update on this.  I didn’t do nearly as well as I hoped but I did make small improvements in all four areas.

Do I have excuses for this?  Plenty.  Homeschooling being the biggest and maybe even a legitimate one.  It’s still an excuse nonetheless.

My plan is to keep going with all four goals.  The improvements I did make were slow, but they are sticking.  So, maybe slow and steady wins the race.  That is my plan.

Reason 1,535 We Homeschool

The above is a list of answers from 4th grade boys when asked what they don’t like about being male.  (H/T Rollo Tomassi and originally found at popsugar).

  • Not being able to be a mother
  • Not supposed to cry
  • Not allowed to be a cheerleader
  • Supposed to do all the work
  • Supposed to like violence
  • Supposed to play football
  • Boys smell bad
  • Having an automatic bad reputation
  • Grow hair everywhere

I can just imagine the tenor of this lesson vs had they done the same thing with the girls.  It would be a sympathetic one toward the boys. Yup boys, so sorry these things are true of you.  For the girls it would be more like breaking through the chains.  It shouldn’t be this way!! (when in reality, it probably isn’t that way.)  The girls would be encouraged to break through those chains while the boys would be told, you need to overcome these masculine obstacles and you go be a cheerleader if you wish.  Just be yourself.

To be able to teach our boy to be unashamedly masculine and to be able to teach our girls to be unashamedly feminine and to teach the inherent strength of each, is a wonderful thing.

Hillary’s Appeal to Men Falls Hilariously Short

It seems a man who used to work for the Hillary Clinton campaign wants to appeal to men.  If you can manage to watch the whole thing, you will see that it decidedly does not.

The group kicked off with a country ballad to appeal to men, who he says, like him, should be inspired by Clinton. “One of the things we know Hillary will need is more male supporters,” he said. “Women support will be there.

To be blunt, I do wonder what kind of men they were trying to attract with this video (not really).  At one point, the singer runs out of gas and a pretty woman on a motorcycle comes to help him.  He then jumps on the back of her bike, gas tank in hand.

My favorite lyrics?

Guys, put your boots on and let’s smash this ceiling open,

Thinking about one great lady like the women in my life (which shows a beautiful wife and daughter)

There are more, but I really don’t want to listen to it again to write them.   This is the same woman who famously said (emphasis mine):

Women have always been the primary victims of war. Women lose their husbands, their fathers, their sons in combat. Women often have to flee from the only homes they have ever known. Women are often the refugees from conflict and sometimes, more frequently in today’s warfare, victims. Women are often left with the responsibility, alone, of raising the children.

Conference on domestic violence in San Salvador, El Salvador (17 November 1998)

No wonder she is seeking the support of men, but if this video is a demonstration, I tend to think she knows very little about them or what they want, like, or seek in this country.

Stop Being So Afraid

Tags

, ,

Yup. From Fight Club. All the women and fear images were about weak men fearing strong women. This one made the most sense.

In our misunderstandings of what it is to be Man, we’ve come to fear masculinity.  We see it as brutish and severe and something to be contained.  Only, it’s not on us to contain.  It’s not on us to decide, from our feminine minds, what masculinity is.  And because we’ve done that for the past several decades, we now have an underlying fear of men.  In some cases, this fear is healthy.  Only, we’ve carried it so far as to have some fear of our husbands as well.

We fear their decisions that would be different than our own.  We fear what they might do to our bodies should we give them freely.  We fear their confidence, their expectations of us, we even fear their respect because we don’t truly understand it.  We even sometimes fear their word.  It’s time to stop this.  These men are the ones who have vowed to love and cherish us, forsaking all others, for the rest of their lives.  They deserve our trust and our understanding.  Not only our understanding of them personally, but our understanding of what it is to be a Man.

Some will say, why should we do this? Why shouldn’t they be more like women and understand us?  We’ve tried that now.  We’ve tried it for at least 4 decades and it isn’t working.  Women are reportedly more unhappy than ever before and men are (understandably) fleeing from ever getting married.  When we strive to understand masculinity and our men (as much as we can.  There are things that will always be beyond us), our families, our children and we as women tend to be happier.  When there are times of needing feminine perspective, it is time to go to other women.  To go to them to learn what is going on.

What exactly are we afraid of?  Our friends not understanding why we don’t talk badly about our husbands?  Why we choose to care for them?  Being vulnerable to the man we vowed to spend our lives with?  I understand that there are a few occasions of men taking advantage of this vulnerability, but how often does this really happen, and do we truly fear this from a man that many women have spent years and years with, with no sign of any trouble?

One of the things I was trying to get at in my last post (and I’m not sure I did), is that there will be times when we stand back that our husbands might get stern, or unequivocally make his expectations known, or do something else that might frustrate or anger us or cause fear.  It might take us by surprise, but in these instances, is it really out of his character?  Or is it the way he treats those he keeps close to him because he respects them?  Leaders have expectations of those who follow them and sometimes, especially if those expectations aren’t met, he may get stern, to man or woman.  This actually is a sign of respect, from a man.  It means he knows you are capable.  If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be there.  Respect to a man does not mean, he won’t hurt my feelings.

Do not fear masculinity in your husbands, sons, brothers, fathers and other trusted men.  It is this that draws us to them and we should not try to hinder that drive and we should certainly trust them enough to not fear them.

** Yes, there are those who have broken that trust.  I understand that.  The question is, why and is he working to rebuild that again?

The Superversive Literary Movement

I wanted to pass this along in case there are any writers who read here.  Jagi Lamplighter has begun a movement to encourage writers to bring back good story telling that isn’t rife with politicization.  Rather, she and others involved in the movement want to encourage good stories filled with hope, magic, and wonder.  Here is the movements mission statement in full, but this sums it up very nicely.

The goal of the Superversive is to bring hope, where there is no hope; to bring courage, where without courage, hope would never be manifested.

The goal of the Superversive is to be light to a benighted world.

The goal of the Superversive is:

To tell the truth.

I wish to throw what little support I can behind this movement.  As anyone who might read Vox Day knows, the SF/F Writers Association was taken over by SJW’s and has greatly changed what SF/F has become.  Now, I am not much of a reader of SF/F (Do The Chronicles Of Narnia and The Lord of the Rings count?), but I can understand what has happened because SJW’s have done the same with everything they have touched.  It is no longer about the story telling, but has become politicized and the stories have greatly suffered for it.  It is what SJW’s are trying to do with GamerGate.

To counter this, Vox Day has also begun Castalia House.  This is his own publishing house (created with Markku whom I don’t quite know where to link), made to publish the types of SF/F stories focused on good, strong story telling (with a decidedly masculine flair).

So, Dear Readers, if any of you write stories or are simply interested in reading good literature again that is written for the sake of the reader rather than an agenda, then check out this Superversive movement.

(Also see John C. Wright’s blog for more reading on this.  He and Mrs. Wright (Jagi Lamplighter) will also post links to other authors who are involved.)

Stand Aside and Let Him be a Man

You may be thinking, how does this picture fit? Because it simply does.

Something has come together slowly for me over the past couple of years as I’ve let go of control in my marriage (not that I ever really had it, mind you).   As I’ve let go, my husband, who has lead very well, has only stepped up and taken on more.  He has become more masculine, more manly, more protective, more caring, more everything that the does.

Here’s what so many women today do not understand.  What a husband is, what a husband does, first comes from a place of being Man.  Therefore, we don’t get to say what that means.  Let me rephrase.  Rather, we do get to say, but very often what we say we want, often falls sadly short of the truth of what we actually desire.

Fairly often, at the Red Pill Women Reddit, we get questions about how a woman could make (sometimes it will say help) her man be more dominant or more alpha.   Many of the articles were removed or the women were told that they cannot do this.  You cannot make your man more dominant.  It caused quite a bit of confusion as we often talk about how our men became more dominant in our marriages.

Here is the problem.  There is a stark difference between “building a better beta” and stepping back and letting a man be his own man.  Building a better beta involves teaching a man or submitting to him just enough so that he is more confident and therefore more dominant to better the marriage but also includes the wife having some control so as to make her comfortable and feel safe with him.  This is very much seen in the large checklist that women make about the man they say they deserve.

Rollo has a post up awhile ago entitled The Myth of the ‘Good Guy.

If you read through any woman’s online dating profile you undoubtedly come across some variation of what Roissy has described as the “483 bullet point checklist” of stated prerequisites a man must possess in order for her to consider him a viable candidate for her intimacy. While I don’t think there are quite that many items on the checklist, you’ll find a host of common-theme personal qualities a guy has to have in order to be her boyfriend – confident (above all), humorous, kind, intelligent, creative, decisive, sensitive, respectful, spiritual, patient,..I could go on or you could just read this old joke.

. . . .

The confusion that most Beta men make is presuming that what women list as being necessarily ‘attractive’ IS what makes him ‘arousing’.

What we say we desire, this checklist we desire from a man who simultaneously respects us (not to be confused with civility) and who excites us; who is simultaneously sensitive with his emotions and masculine; who is kind yet strong and so on, all of these characteristics come from a feminine mindset.  We tend to believe that a man can be all of these things, but we demand them in a way we (think we) prefer.  Only, for men, it usually doesn’t translate.  We expect men to give us things on our terms and not on their own.  We expect men to respect us in the way we understand the term (how we feel it) and not in the way men understand the term (do it).  In short, we want men to understand all about us and how we feel without learning all about them.  And most of us don’t even realize this is what we expect.

We need to step back and stop demanding and asking for these things on our terms.  Rather, it is time to try to understand what these things mean to our men and accept them on their terms.  It’s time to step back and learn that just because our men are not responding in the way we expect, that does not mean that we are not getting the things we would like from them.  It just simply looks different in a masculine form.  What’s more, this masculine way of respect, kindness, love, and decisiveness is what draws us to them.  Can it sometimes be frustrating?  Of course, especially if we do not understand.  But, very often, it is these things that they give to us that draws us to them even more.  That attracts and arouses us while they love us, in their way.

While we cannot make our men be more alpha or even help them on their way (directly) what we can do is step back.  We can recognize that we are often getting what we desire from them, just not in the feminine way we’ve come to expect and desire (and ultimately, resent).  When we do this, when we accept and nurture our men for who they are, Men, very often their masculinity will soar and draw us even closer to them.  In this place, we will see that we don’t make them more masculine, we simply let them be who they are.

Matt Walsh Tells the Truth ~ Women, Fix Yourselves

I want to add to this.  I want to break it down further to discuss, but really there’s nothing more I can say.  I’ll just put this snippet up to give you a taste.  But you really should go read the whole thing.

What I mean is, ‘men’ aren’t the problem, Rebecca. It’s you. You’re the one. You’re the common denominator. You’re to blame. There has been one person conspicuously involved in all of Rebecca’s romantic flops, and her name is Rebecca. Maybe you should take a look at her for a change.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 185 other followers