Aoefe at Sex, Lies and Attempts for Truth wrote a post not too long ago that really resonated with me. In it, she relates how she likes to dress in a feminine way for herself. Dressing this way makes her feel like a woman and she truly enjoys it. She ended her post with this:
This post is written to encourage women to embrace their essential femininity and their sensuality. Learn not to care what others may think. It’s very freeing.
This is something I have been struggling with for a very long time. I was very much a tomboy as a child and for many years refused to wear a dress or anything girly. I viewed the line “You throw like a girl” as a personal challenge and learned to do many things in a very masculine way. How I dressed was part of this. I didn’t go so far as to only wear men’s clothes, but I was very much a jeans and t-shirt type girl, throwing in the occasional girl shirt and very occasionally a dress. I have gotten used to dressing up when the occasion called for it, but for many years even this was difficult for me (more on that to come). At all other times comfort was king. That comfort had nothing to do with anything feminine. Over the past couple of years, I have been trying to change this but the going has been very slow (too slow). It took reading around the manosphere to point out that I have very much been like this (H/T Rollo Tomassi):
I have been slowly incorporating more attractive things to my wardrobe, pretty undergarments, pretty nightgowns and things like that, but I have been very resistant in the everyday clothing area. I finally changed this and have bought some dresses and skirts to wear for just around the house on a normal day. It is taking some getting used to (I’m wearing one of my new skirts as I type and it feels strange but not uncomfortable).
One of the things I have discovered is that a big part of the reason I have been resistant to dress in a feminine way is that other women don’t much like to see this. I have changed my body quite drastically over the past few years and I have been buying dresses and clothes that very much flatter me (for those dressy occasions). I have also been wearing high heels when the occasion calls for it and this makes me stand out. I don’t wear things that are inappropriate, just much more feminine and flattering to my body type. For a long time, dressing this way made me very uncomfortable as I knew I was going against the crowd and some women would not like this. It took me a long time to be like Aoefe and not care what others think. I would focus more on what I thought those women wanted (mind you, I can remember only one minor thing being said to me, but I was ever conscious of them, nonetheless) and not on being pretty for myself or my husband. I would even go so far as to, on occasion, not wear my feminine clothes to certain things so as not to offend(!). While this has changed and I try very hard to dress for myself and Maritus, it is something I still struggle with from time to time.
As I was thinking about all of this today, it hit me that this is just another way that proves most women want to be submissive. If they are not able to submit to their husbands, they very much are submitting to the herd and what the herd calls them to. The herd can be a very powerful thing, as evidence in my reaction to breaking away from it. My comfort in being able to do this is very dependent on Maritus being so strong and knowing how important it is to him that I dress in a feminine way. It is helping me embrace my own femininity and I am very much liking it. My hat goes off to Aoefe for doing this on a regular basis and shaking off those who would deride her for it. It also makes me wish we still lived in a time when the herd expected femininity from women and beauty and sensuality were something to strive for.
Ahhh, to be this comfortable dressing like this everyday.
I almost never wear pants in the warm months – “broomstick-style skirts and nice t-shirts or casual blouses. I even have a couple of old, dumpy dresses for housecleaning. Sweats in the winter are my weakness, but I just bought a couple of pairs of “tailored” exercise pants as a substitute. Years ago I had some long flannel skirts that I would wear with knee socks, around the house during the winter. I think I’ll make some more.
I have to admit that I bought the first pair of exercise pants, not because of my husband, but because we just moved to a house with neighbors and no fenced yard – I MUST take the dog out a few times a day, and like the cartoon, I didn’t want anybody in public to see me in my sweats. Then It occurred to me that I shouldn’t want my better half to see me like that either. And really, I don’t.
YES!!! Stingray has broken up with pants! 🙂 Pantsburning: the new feminism! I’ve been enjoying my new wardrobe to mixed reviews, but, by far, my favorite incident was a male co-worker and pal of mine who, during a presentation today, wrote a note on my paper that said, “Stop looking so perfect,” to which i replied, “I can’t help it if I’m perfect.” He later imitated my cross-leg, demure attitude, which was quite amusing. I told him I could balance a book on my head if he wanted. lol My new work environment has a more professional dress code, with which I am more than happy to comply. My mentor is quite feminine and a generally awesome person and I have a feeling I will learn a lot from her. Also an Aoefe fan!
I liked reading this.
Suz,
*hanging head*
I had never heard of a broomstick skirt. I had to look it up.
I, too, have made the switch away from sweats. I always wore the pajama type pants with the open leg at the bottom. Maritus HATED them. My new favorite pants for tired evenings are these and these. He doesn’t object to them. 😉
Kate,
I’m not sure I can completely end my relationship with pants, but we will be seeing less of each other.
I wore one of my new dresses out last night. Maritus took my eldest and me out. I was actually carded (and not in that “I want to be charming way”. He truly wanted to see my ID). I could have hugged the man.
Marellus,
Thank you. I’m glad you liked it.
Fine. You and pants are “on a break.” 🙂
hehe FUN!
The only thing where I’m aware of the herd is when it comes to the color pink. So I don’t wear a lot of it. But every now and then I will, just to see the reaction. It’s like waving a red flag in front of bulls. Just curious to see if anyone else gets the “Pink? (eyeroll) I NEVER wear pink. I HAAAAATE it.” Or, “I can’t stand pink. It’s so giiirly.” I don’t know if the Scandinavian coloring just makes it look more pink or barbie-ish or what, but it’s just weird. And I never have these kind of comments wearing any other color.
I wear skirts and dresses most days, and I honestly think dresses are more comfortable than pants, once you get used to sitting properly. They breathe better. 🙂
If you’re looking for comfortable heels, check out Børn. Some of their shoes are a little chunky/granola looking, but they make some feminine ones with a mid-heel and plenty of padding at the ball of the foot. I can wear mine all day, and I walk a ton.
I find I feel more like myself when I wear something feminine, even if it’s just a bright color or some jewelry. Now I’m trying to work up to lipstick!
sweats- no.
yoga pants are hot though. just saying. and i love when a woman lounges about in boy shorts and a small, cute top. SOOOO sexy
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Great post, Stingray. I believe all women need to dress in a way that brings about their femininity. The many years I wore dresses and skirts only was for the benefit of the church herd more than anything else. Mr. D let me know recently that he hated the way I dressed during those years but never said anything because we were trying to be good church people.
Over the past couple of years with the weight I was losing I needed to go shopping for new clothing and Mr. D went with me. He chose jeans and picked out pretty tops, adding heels to my wardrobe and very feminine underclothing (he is much more verbal these days about what he likes.) I work with my hair a bit more, wear makeup more often that accents my eyes and a little more jewelry. For me, my femininity is brought out by the amount of attention I get from Mr. D, so I dress for him; I want to be his ‘eye candy’. My clothing choices may be a little different than what you describe in your post but they bring about the same result.
I believe the most important thing to assess is who are you dressing for; you need to dress for you and how you feel about yourself. And for me this takes into account that one particular man, and letting him know that he is more than worth the effort and time to give him what he wants to look at.
enna,
The *breathing* is what is taking me awhile to get used to. 😉
It’s funny what people are comfortable with. I love lipstick, especially since I have learned more about what colors suit me. I used to wear the darker, more subdued colors but in the past year have switched to more bright reds and I love them (so does my husband)! I never thought I would be comfortable with them, but they make me look younger and more vibrant. It’s made makeup more fun.
Danny,
Yep, I don’t think most men mind there women lounging in comfortable clothes as long as they are not frumpy. Yoga pants, and the workout pants I linked above (very similar to a yoga pant) are incredibly comfortable, even more so than sweats, IMO. The boys shorts and cute top thing, too. Comfortable. Here’s the key however, that most women don’t get (or maybe they do?) is that these clothes are inviting, not off putting.
Jacquie,
I think the important thing (as you said) is that as long as your husband likes it, the clothes don’t much matter. Maritus has seen me in jeans predominantly since we met. The skirts and dress are a nice, fresh change. I don’t think he minds the jeans, just not all the time. Besides, the deadlifts and squats have done wonders for how I wear a pair of jeans these days. 😉
Stingray,
Besides, the deadlifts and squats have done wonders for how I wear a pair of jeans these days.
Exactly. I know Mr. D usually makes comments about the results of the deadlifts and squats, the kettlebells also, and I know this is why he loves to see me wear jeans. I guess add the fact that I did wear dresses and skirts for so many years that not wearning them is a change for us. Also, he loves going riding so often and wearing a skirt on a motorcycle doesn’t work very well.
Men always want to see “sexy.” But women do us (or themselves) no favors by constantly indulging us, because “sexy” is a short-attention phenomenon that launches us into the mode of variety, sending us from you to your sisters in search of mystery. We see skin and shape, quickly tire of one iteration, and wander toward other equal expressions.
On the other hand, “beautiful” keeps us lingering on one subject: there are layers to explore, thoughts of what greater wonders are concealed beneath the modest, controlled presentation.
First day of college yesterday, and the poor slutty frosh whose mothers taught them no better were out in force at the bars. So many, so so many, so much skin, you’ve seen her ass, this one’s tits are in your face, you turn your head and see a half dozen more. Next, next, next. You’re essentially at a beach with all the skin showing, and the T&A display becomes self-defeating, overwhelming, and slightly nauseating. Our eyes were not meant for orgiastic panoramas. Sensory overload. The conscious masculine impulse is to chant more, more, more, but every man of experience has been brought to gluttonous sickness through oversaturation. Strip clubs are solitary and queasy places.
Enter the wisdom of the dress. The fabric and cut shows just enough but not enough. There is no doubt of her femininity without displaying stark, gynecological evidence of her femininity.
Girl game means putting on the mind of man, just as our game requires us to think through the hearts of women. There is such a fine line between sexy and beautiful, from outfit to outfit, from light to shadow, from moment to moment. Mastering that ineffable balance is your department. I have no idea how you do it, and I don’t want to know.
Matt
” Pantsburning: the new feminism!” Haha. Eventually somewhere down the line that can be a fun symbolic attention grabbing act.
Hi Stingray, new to your blog, but I like your writing. I watched The Hunger Games last night, have you seen that yet? And they managed to twist this aspect of femininity in the movie, the women from the Capital were gaudishly feminine and fluffy with light pink fluffy hair, skirts, too much make-up; so much so that they were ugly. They made the heroine, (Catniss), dress like a man, but she was one of the more beautiful characters in the movie. I thought it was interesting how they tried to convince women to dress like men by making the most beautiful woman like that.
Anyway, I think women should dress feminine, although the husband’s away tonight so I’m not bothering with it; but I like the reactions I get when i go out in my high heels much better than when I’m just wearing sneakers, my husband doesn’t seem to notice much either way, at least he hasn’t mentioned it.
Matt,
I agree that there is a fine line between sexy and beautiful and one that is not always easy to navigate. Each person and each situation has a different line. Add to that that there is a time for sexy, though it is rare compared to the times for beautiful. Also, I think this dynamic is more accurately defined by men than women as women tend to be too catty (generalizing here) to be able to draw the line for other women.
My girls are already asking to wear things they have seen other girls wear that would be inappropriate. We have been trying to teach them, but at this age a general “No” seems to work best. Maritus and I have sat down with them a time or two to show them the difference between beautiful and inappropriate/gaudy/etc. but it’s difficult for them.
Wudang,
We could have a “Dress Walk” to build awareness. 😉
Thank you, Sis.
I have not yet seen Hunger Games. It’s one of those movies that I might watch if it ever streams on Netflix but would not go out of my way to order it. I like movies like that, but sometimes the girl power gets to be way too much and it kills the entertainment value for me. It’s funny, sometimes that really bothers me in a film and other times I can look past it and still be entertained. I have been watching this TV show called Nikita (also streams on Netflix) and I really enjoy it. Complete girl power tripe as she takes hits that would render men unconscious, but the rest of the show is so good that I don’t mind it. Plus the leading actress is beautiful and she’s a very good actress. It fun to watch. Though, it bothers me to know that women see this stuff and can’t see past the girl power.
Regarding the overly feminized women, I’m not surprised. It’s sad really, but completely unsurprising.
(You might enjoy the original. Though it is violent, I remember it to be a good film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100263/)
Kate,
I’ve seen it and I really liked it. I tend toward films that men like, except horror. There are very few horror films I can watch anymore. Heck, really, there are very few new films I can watch any more. We go to the movies once a year at most. Mostly we watch old classics. They are lead by an actually story (strange, I know) and they are excellent. I think I said this before, but Kansas City Confidential is one of my favorites. FANTASTIC movie.
I watched all the Nikita shows on Netflix, was sad when they ended, she is a good actress.
This one is new, Sis. Started in 2010 and is still running, though I think Netflix is only streaming the first season. This is the one I have been watching. Were you referring to the one with the really tall blonde? That was ok, but this one I like better and because it is a story that has been done so many times, they put a new twist on it and it works very well.
I really like the actress in this one as well and she is stunning.
Thanks very much for the acknowledgment, appreciated. I had a boyfriend who was very clear on his expectations for what he wanted me to wear, he changed my life in a very good way, he made me realize I was beautiful in my feminine form. I’ve never looked back. Women can be women’s worst enemy…yet we can also be each other’s greatest support when we find likeminded souls. Like here. 🙂
Just Visiting,
I was that girl who hated pink, though I would have never walked up to anyone wearing it and said anything. I actually remember seeing girls look very pretty in pink and having a twinge of regret, but I didn’t know how to deal with it so I went back to old reliable with the jeans. Now, my closet has a few pink things and I like them a lot.
Aoefe,
You’re boyfriend and my husband. Hmmmm, the men are onto something here. 😉
This is particularly a struggle in the winter. That’s when it’s just practical and that gets a bit depressing. I need to find a way to wear more dresses in the winter.
When I was younger I hid under baggy clothes. What a waste.
CL,
Baggy clothes were my norm as well. I remember a couple of times wearing clothes that actual fit and girls coming up to me and saying something along the lines of “Wow, you’re thin!”. Instead of embracing this (they were not being rude at all, it was genuine surprise) I went back to the baggy shirts and sweaters. Dumb.
As far as winter, I am trying to figure that one out as well. I have a couple of heavier skirts but no dresses. All the winter dresses I have seen thus far are pretty frumpy. Everything I just bought was for summer and I don’t have much time left to wear it!
@Stingray, yeah that’s the Nikita I watched too. I haven’t seen one with a blonde in it.
Sis,
Oh man. I didn’t know they had ended. I thought the show was still airing. when you said you were sad I assumed you meant the old one. Bummer! No spoilers! Only just started season 1. 🙂
lol, when I was a kid and mom dressed me in pants for kindergarden, I was really embarassed and kept complaining that I wasn’t a boy and shouldn’t wear pants. In my teens, this flipped (now it’s more balanced again).
I’m curious, how exactly do women show they don’t like it when you wear feminine clothes?
Emma,
Since I just started wearing them more on a daily basis, nothing of note yet, but I have had people say things in the past, or just gotten strange looks from women. I know I’ve gotten one or two backhanded comments and been asked “Do you eat?” when I wear dresses that fit me very well to church. I almost laughed out loud at that one because I probably way eat more than the woman that said it, just differently.
Did you see the link to Aoefe’s post “Mean Girls”? She describes a very overt incident that happened to her.
I see what you mean, I read Aoefe’s post now. I haven’t had any of that, apart from looks I got for dressing weird (I thought it looked cool at the time), but that just made me feel better because that was the point. Might this attitude help against mean girl-induced feelings of inferiority when you dress pretty rather than like Marylin Manson? I think it will – at least it works for acceptance of my desire to read silly women’s magazines that everyone looks down on, lol.
Yes, I think that attitude helps a lot. It’s what I do when I notice the looks and whatnot. It takes a lot of practice though. At least it did for me.
the gf in Japan was cool. but i HATED how she dressed. she ALWAYS wore jeans, a tshirt, and chuck taylors. seriously. i had no intention of trying to tell her how to dress, but she dressed more girly, i made sure to compliment the outfit and told her how great she looked.
she never got the hint. i didn’t break up with her for it, but it is one of the reasons on the list of, “why she isn’t mrs.504”
Danny,
Yeah, jeans. T-shirt. That’s me. I’ve been wearing dresses and skirts for 3-4 days now and I am quite shocked at how much I really like wearing them. I’m kicking myself for not doing this sooner. Seriously, we just had our 13th anniversary. I guess better late than never?