The Private Man had a post up recently in which he discovers a blog by a woman who has flings with married men. She goes into reasons husbands might be unfaithful and one of the big reasons is lack of sex. He says:
The second reason is the sex and this is obvious. But to see it presented from the very woman the husband goes to gives it far more validity. Do married women not understand this?
I posted a comment there that I wish to reiterate and expand upon here. My answer, in short, is no. Women do not understand this, at least most do not. For a long time, I didn’t understand this either. Growing up in the 80’s and early 90’s, girls in my generation were very frequently taught that boys do not need sex. Do not let a boy tell you he needs it as it is a trick to get you to sleep with him. It’s just sex and this is something you need to guard yourself against. At the time, it seemed to make perfect sense. Teach girls that “It’s just sex” and they will guard their virginity and they will also try much harder to keep their partner count low (this was all before girls were taught that there partner count was irrelevant) so as not to be seen as promiscuous.
What we were not taught was that, to our husbands, sex is very important. Sex in a marriage translates to deep love and affection. To constantly reject sex for poor reasons (I have a headache . . . I’m just too tired tonight) is to reject ones husband. It’s not “just sex” anymore, rather it has become an act of giving and receiving love. For the first 2-3 years of my marriage I did not understand this. I was still under the impression that “It’s just sex” so what is the big deal here? We all know that men can have casual sex without attachment so sex can’t translate to love like it so often does for a woman, right? How very wrong I was. I was stunned (and ashamed) when Maritus told me how I had been rejecting him. I had no idea that men felt this way with the women they love.
Sex is a huge part of what bonds a marriage together. A man and a woman in love who live together, but don’t have sex might as well be brother and sister as this is how they are living. What sets apart the love between a husband and a wife and the love of men and women in any other loving relationship? Sex. (I need to start writing down the postings I read and get inspired from more. I read this idea at another site and I cannot remember where. I think it may have been Rollo Tomassi but commenting at another site? If any one does know, I would appreciate a link so the poster can receive credit for it). When you are in love with a man, it will never be “just sex” again and wives need to be very cognizant of that fact. To reject sex is to reject him and his love. And as demonstrated by Private Man’s post, a man constantly rejected in such a fashion just might look for sex and companionship from another woman. While adultery is wrong, when a woman constantly refuses sex, when she refuses her husband, she has abandoned her marriage. He, most definitely, is not entirely to blame for seeking solace and affection with another woman.
On the Rock 
It took me forever to realize the importance of sex too, I’m just hoping he can forgive and isn’t scarred for life.
Wow, I can’t even read her blog, it scares me too much. I’m just glad she doesn’t live anywhere near us.
Sis,
You’re braver than I. I wouldn’t go looking for it and I read very few of her comments.
If your enthusiastic about it now and remain that way, it might be hard to forget but he probably already has forgiven you.
Sex is a big part of it. Respect and admiration is another. Another woman willing to give these things when a wife isn’t would be a temptation.
It might be a western thing, it seems I got the message of “sex is extremely important to guys”, as it wasn’t a secret. I even felt bad when turning it down with boys I liked (was too young for it anyway). The message was actually “not having sex is uncool”, but perhaps it doesn’t apply the moment you marry. That makes me wonder, why so much pressure to slut it up outside marriage and then stop when you do get a husband?..
“That makes me wonder, why so much pressure to slut it up outside marriage and then stop when you do get a husband?..”
Sex with many different men outside of marriage is perceived as the woman empowering herself by doing what she really wants (in spite of male pressure) because women do in fact often want less sex in marriage than men feminists have to make absolutely certain that in no way, no where will there ever again be any woman that could possibly be thought to have even remotely come close to not just having but even considering having sex with her husband that she did not feel super enthusiastic about.
JV,
I agree wholeheartedly. I would even go so far as to say that rejecting ones husband in and of itself is demonstrating a lack of respect. I am not sure they are mutually exclusive. I’d be interested in the men’s take on this.
Emma,
Like Wudang said, it’s a go grrrrl thing inside a marriage. It is also a form of control, though I don’t think for most women it is a conscious thing.
wudang,
I find it sad and frustrating that lack of restraint is now considered empowering and anyone who demonstrates control is weak or a prude. It seems backwards to me.
… great post … now read this blog …
http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2004_01_01_archive.html
Maybe you can use some of it. And maybe you can explain it. The content is explicit though … I suspect that what she’s writing, a lot of single women are experiencing … sad really.
Thought provoking, especially with what I’ve already been pondering about the subject. I have to agree that when the sex in our marriage increased the depth of emotion between us deepened to a level I didn’t think possible.
I did go over and read one post on that website; it was all I needed. What I don’t understand is that she claims that she gives those married men what they need that they are not getting at home, but she keeps a wall between her and the men she is with. They are not getting any emotional depth from her. They are not even getting respect from her since she sees them as inferior to her so her claims that men are willing to leave their wives for her I find hollow. Why would a man with any intelligence not figure out that a woman who can jump from man to man and disrespects them as she does will never be able to bond to just one man.
When a wife meets the needs of her husband it goes beyond the sexual pleasures and reinforces the bond between them. In this may also lie a fear for most women as well. As a woman is more bonded to a man emotionally the power of the relationship does shift to the husband; I have found this in my own marriage. The stronger the emotional hold to Mr. D, the more power he holds in the relationship. Most women fear losing this much control; I did for a time and I plan to write about it in the near future. I believe what we are taught is that we must keep control and what better way than first as a single woman controlling our sexuality in how we give it out, then in our marriages in how we don’t give it out. More wives need to realize how they are destroying their own marriages when they do this and perhaps there wouldn’t be so many unhappy women filing for divorce if they knew just how much they are preventing themselves from bonding with their own husbands.
Thanks for the link Marellus. I’ll take a look at it when I have a bit more time.
Jacquie,
What I suspect she means is that she was giving them what they needed with her actions. She feigned respect and gave them sex. For men not getting that from their wives it may have been enough that they couldn’t tell it was more of an act than anything else. I am not sure it has much to do with not being intelligent as the men just getting something closer to what they have always wanted and never received.
Most women fear losing this much control
I agree, which is unfortunate. If they could just learn to let go they would feel so much more freedom, and while it may sound like an oxymoron, they would likely feel so much more control than they currently do.
I wasn’t saying that the men were not intelligent, I was trying to say that I don’t give credence to her claims that men were willing to leave their wives for her. She wavered enough in her comments to reveal that she is not as clever as she thinks she is and most if not all the men are simply playing her game back at her. Her comments just about condemn Beta men, giving the impression that she only goes out with Alpha men, and Alpha men are very good at playing. I just believe that the one who is being deceived the most is her; she is deluded in her own fantasy created for the entertainment of readers more than anything else. Some of what she says may be truthful and gives one something to think about; I don’t know, I’m only taking the word of the comments on Private Man.
Ah, sorry about that Jacquie, I read your comment wrong. I didn’t read more than a couple of her comments as Private Man’s. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I believe you are probably correct though, about her being the one deceived. One wonders what her life will be like in a few years when she is no longer able to attract these men?
Though, if she is only going with alpha men, one wonders what kind of women they are married to that they are not getting the respect they crave? She had this part figured out well, so I assumed she had been sleeping with a lot of beta men as well.
Alphas are not immune to cluster B types. (Which I suspect that blogger might be, but don’t know for sure.)) In fact, if you were to ask some of them, they would tell you that some of the most intense attraction, chemistry, wildest sex and love were with such women. And the most destruction. I’ve seen this in real life, but there are bloggers in the sphere who have said as much, and Private Man has noted that too. It’s probably a good thing to recognize such toxic women, and get rid of them if they enter you or your husbands horizon. And yes, it would be nice to think or expect one’s husband to be above it. But why take chances?
Just Visiting,
Would a cluster B type be someone with BPD that we often read about?
Yes, as well as a few others. PM put up a good post about it a few days ago.
PM retweeted something Roosh said.
“women today’s plan is- slut it up in your youth, get educated and accumlate wealth, then become a chaste wife.
no.”
that’s not exactly it, but you get the point.
i need to find out early on is we’re sexually compatible or not. if we aren’t, we’re in trouble as i have a VERY high libido.
VERY.HIGH.
Danny,
I’m not so sure that it always has anything to do with sexual incompatibility, though. I think it has more to do with men and women becoming too comfortable and complacent and relaxed in their marriages. I know that was my problem. It’s why I started putting on weight after we married, as well. I got too comfortable and bought into the “It’s just sex” and probably bought into a level of “He should just love me for who I am”. We were still very compatible, but I got lazy. On one hand, I was young and didn’t know any better, but that doesn’t mean it wan’t my fault for allowing those things to happen.
Just VIsiting is right about respect and admiration. Problems in a marriage aren’t ALWAYS about sex, at least they don’t always start that way.
My wife has a pretty high sex drive, and our sex life is pretty decent, the rest of the relationship not so much. She is critical, demanding, compaining, frequently attacks me verbally in very broad terms, is sometimes disrespectful in company, has been very unsupportive the few times I’ve had career difficulties or needed emotional support. I find myself looking at other women, who are attractive and seem nice, the way a drowning man would look at a wooden plank in the sea.
If the relationship were a better one, I’d probably still be attracted to these women but the feeling would have the edge of urgent longing.
I think maybe highly-sexed women are also frequently high-testosterone and so they tend to be domineering.
Ter,
I fully agree about sex not being the only problem in marriages. I have said here before that respect is more important to men than love. Lack of respect can make a man seek it out elsewhere. That may be where your longing comes from and is likely, in some ways, quite separate from the initial attraction.
Keep reading around the various sites. Women crave strength, though many don’t openly realize it. Are you familiar with Married Man Sex Life? His site, and I understand his book, are excellent for teaching men to quell the behaviors you described in your wife.
SR-
well, i’ve never been married. so i can only speak about sex from the perspective of my own relationships.
Ter,
Here is a good place to start:
http://alphagameplan.blogspot.com/2012/08/can-game-save-this-marriage.html
Re the link above, the comments contain much practical wisdom. Comments by Daniel are particularly good on the matter of correcting the behavior of a disrespectful wife.
Houston,
Thank you for posting that link. That is an excellent place to start and Daniel is an excellent commenter. He’s not the only one there either.
Ter, I would also read No More Mister Nice Guy and check out their forums. It is also very good at teaching men to deal with such things. Athol is best though but NMMNG offers very useful complementary perspectives IMO.
I read through Daniels comments. He is very good. He should make his own game in christian marriage blog or something.
Wudang,
He’s a regular over there and comments on most posts. Stickwick is also very good as well. She’s smart as a whip.
I’m always late around here so I haven’t read all the comments, but this is over-simplified. Of course, flings are different to full on affairs, but it is usually about way more than just sex.
I wrote a bit about this before: On Mistresses and Wives.
Where is this woman’s blog? Did someone post a link?
CL,
I don’t disagree. My main point in doing this post is to emphasize to women how important sex is to men. That it is about more than just the physical sex part. Growing up, I didn’t know this and it took mistakes in my marriage to figure it out. Withholding sex, either intentionally or not, is withholding love, admiration and I think one could argue, respect. These things are more likely to lead to an affair.
I will read the post you linked when I have a few minutes. Thank you for it.
CL,
No, I didn’t post a link. If you go to Private Man’s link above, the second one, and go through the comments you can get to her site through her name, C.X. Love.
Well, I had a look at her blog and it didn’t seem very interesting to me. An attractive woman who gets lots of male attention and spreads for them with no compunction. Dime a dozen and fairly banal.
Dime a dozen and fairly banal.
It seems so sad to me that women like this are what we as a sex have become. That her behavior is in the norm and banal. What does that make women who like to care for their men and keep their families and home? It’s strange.
In a way, the more interesting question regarding this harlot is to ask what her motivation is not only in doing what she does, but in posting about it on the Internet.
The world is a strange place and upside-down. The whole of Proverbs 7 is appropriate here. She talked about being a great conversationalist (“With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him.”), dressing to attract attention (“dressed as a harlot”), keeping her heart locked so as not to feel anything (“wily of heart”), and she posts about it where all can see (“She is loud and wayward”).
Read her words, then read Proverbs 7. That is an enlightening exercise.
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