A woman blogger (the blog is now defunct) asked the question of how she could raise her son to be an alpha. She was especially worried as she is a single mom. There are many different definitions of alpha floating around the manosphere so let’s just say we really want our sons to grow to be Men.
I was intrigued by this question as these days we are taught that it is the women who knows best in raising the children. Her word should be law and “Mommy knows best”. For some things, I think this is true in many homes. Most of the time, I am the one who decides how sick the children are and if they need to go to the doctor. I make most of the small and many of the large decisions when it comes to school. In these areas, I do know best often enough. However, it’s not because of some magic Mommy power that I possess. It’s simply that I have far more experience in these matters. Some will want to call it intuition, but it’s not as I didn’t have this skill until I had the experience to back it up. (By the way, having the experience to make the decision does not always make it mine. Maritus is the head of our home and the final decision is his. This is something very important for boys to realize).
I do not have any experience in what it is to be a boy, much less a Man.
Boys need their fathers (girls very much do as well, but this post is going to be about boys). If there is a situation where this is honestly not best or not possible then boys need to have some time with Men. Time alone to do Man things, time to see how these Men relate to women, how they relate to their mothers, how they relate to the other Men around them and how they relate to the world. This is probably the biggest influence in teaching a boy to be a Man. He absolutely must be with other Men.
This can be bitter sweet for a mother, yet she should know how important this time is. However, those apron strings can have an awful hold sometimes and it is hard to let go. It is especially hard to not say anything to the Man doing the teaching when what he is teaching goes against every fiber of our beings. What we need to keep in mind, is that even though it may be against our nature, it is not against theirs.
This is how Men may very well teach a young boy a skill (watch it till the end. It’s worth it).
It can be scary as a mother watching this, but if we want our boys to grow up into strong and masculine Men, this is what will bring the confidence that comes along with accomplishing something for real. It’s not a trophy that everyone wins for participating. It’s a real and true task that was learned and learned well by the boy himself. That cannot be replaced by false words of praise. Kids do know better. Much better.
It reminds me of the beginning of the movie A River Runs Through It. Norman narrates:
But it was a tough world, too. Even as children we understood that and admired it. And of course, we had to test it. I knew I was tough because I had been bloodied in battle.
I think there are some things that mothers can do as well in helping their sons along the road to manhood. First and foremost is showing respect and admiration to his father (or to whomever the Man is that will be spending time with him). He can learn from you what a good wife and mother can be and it will help him in his search later in life, should he choose to do so. Mothers can be a powerful influence on their sons and I think they will search out a woman who is very much like the woman who treated the man he most looks up to with respect and love. He will also want to emulate the man who was able to inspire that in a woman.
Second, I believe that mothers should let their sons game them. I say “let” as when they are little you are very likely to see it while it’s happening and realize what’s going on. Don’t make him stop because he gives you that look. You know the one I mean. The mischievous look with the glimmer in his eye. Respond positively to it. That look comes from confidence. Don’t take that away from him. Now, obviously, if he is trying to use it to steal your car keys then you put the kibosh on it. But, if your sons are anything like mine, then he uses that look often and many times it is hysterical and should get a positive laugh, smile, treat, what have you because of it. Let him use his confidence to sway you in a positive manner. It will serve him well later on.
Thirdly, let him be a boy. He’s going to get hurt, dirty, and into trouble. In some ways, your should encourage this. If he falls, if there’s no blood then tell him to rub some dirt on it and get back out there. If he has a bone sticking out his leg, eh, then maybe think about taking him to the doctor. But let him be a boy. Never discourage this. He needs to learn some control over his boyhood, but nothing more as this will lead him on the path to being Man.
daaaaaaw. thanks for the linkage Angel.
i really liked “a river runs through it”. my favorite part was when the brothers fight. this is something all boys must go through.
my mom was BIG on not coddling me. i jumped my bike, bailed and sliced my knee open. as i walked to my house yelling for mom (blood trickling down my leg- i was in 2nd grade), she came outside, saw me, made a face, then looked pissed. she crossed her arms and slapped my on the head as i limped to the house.
she cleaned the wound then scolded me for being clumsy and jumping something so big. then told me to get back outside and play.
no more bike though. lol.
mom said i gave her a heart attack a day until i hit 14. by then i had moved on to girls. lol. that’s WHOOOOOOLE other monster for moms. by then she just didn’t want me too get some chick pregnant.
As a mom to a 2nd grade boy, I agree with all of this and have got the most spirited, fun, generous, and respectful kid out of raising him just as you describe. Thanks for this post, and the Hondo clip too! 🙂
Danny,
I think I would like your mom a whole lot. It’s just blood. Unless there’s spray, then it’s probably going to be just fine.
Mancakes,
Welcome to the blog and I’m very glad you liked the post.
I have to say, I love your handle. 🙂
I LOVED the video. And think this is an important post. Do you have any recommendations for old movies that show good masculine examples? And good masculine/feminine interactions? I am starting to feel a pull towards these old movies and learning from them and getting a feel for those men.
SR-
She knew I was ok, when I needed stitches, she had to try and keep her composure. I sliced my hand open jumping a fence at school.
She was pissed after I got seen up. Lol. That was my last “oh crap” moment for her in my boyhood. Lol.
In my exerience In my experience (my son is now 19) you mostly need to get out of the way.
Please understand; I’m not saying abdicate your responsibility for raising your son – I’m saying that the current culture tries to insist that he be ‘mothered’ to the point of suffocation, to the point of denying him his masculinity. Indeed much of taking the red pill for grown men is not learning, but unlearning. Unlearning all the false teachings that have been engineered to suppress the very attributes that allow you to become a man. The attributes that women crave. What I’m saying is try not to lay all that suppression on him so he never has to ‘unlearn’.
Of course, it’s easy to say this – much harder to put into practice. But this is my experience;
• You get about eight years to set the boundaries, to teach him right from wrong, what is good and evil, the values your family hold and how you expect him to behave. Do not waste these years.
• From around eight he will start to rebel. In small ways at first, bigger things over time. Allow him some room to do this – do not immediately shut it down. Understand he should be doing this – as a man he will need to push against things, he will need to fight, he will need to understand how to do these things in a civilised way. He will never learn this if he is prevented from doing so or never bears the consequences of his actions.
• Trust, but verify. Make your default position one of trust. Myself and my wife tripped up here. We mistakenly thought that our son’s lack of communication was evidence that he was up to no good – in fact he was doing perfectly innocent things but just wanted to feel he could act independently. This is where the first point comes in – our son pushed hard against the boundaries we had set but never crossed them, even when we not there to police them. Once we accepted this, he dropped the secrecy and always let us know what he was up to. As for verification, Facebook is your friend – friend him or some of his mates – these days with mobile updates it can work as a real-time tracker tool. It’s a bit stalkerish but does allow you some awareness of what is going on if you have doubts.
• Understand he is not a mini-me. He will be developing his own character and just because it is not the same as yours and does not manifest in the same decisions that you would take does not mean that they are worse decisions. As he gets older he will increasingly be best placed to make judgements that affect his own life – let him. Be there to offer advice (if asked – and do not dictate) and provide a safety net if it goes wrong. But again trust – almost all of the decisions my son has taken that myself and my wife have worried about have turned out fine. It took a while for us to realise that this is not because he got lucky a lot – it was simply that he was clearly making good decisions based on his perception of the issues – which were more accurate than ours.
• He will push hardest, rebel most strongly, antagonise, aggravate and incite fury most intensely with his parents. It is sometimes very, very, hard not to react emotionally to this – especially for mothers. If, as a mother (I should really say when – it will happen) you can no longer bear the things he is saying to you, the way he is treating you, do not engage him – walk away. If your husband is also getting emotionally involved help him walk away too (although I would hope that dad would have a cooler head – indeed the cool headed man is what you would aim to be teaching your son to become). You need to try to calmly and rationally explain that his behaviour is unacceptable – as a couple you must do this together. The bottom line is this – your son is trying to figure out the limits of how he can behave. He HAS to test those limits with you. If he goes out into the real world and tries this out he will likely get punched or stabbed. The ONLY place he can do this safely is at home. You all have to go through this to allow him to become the man he was born to be (its no accident that men raised by single mums tend to be quicker to anger and lose control – with all the consequences that brings – they will less likely to have been able to work through this to a proper conclusion with only a mum to rebel against – few women are able to properly control a testosterone charged teenage boy in full-on rage mode)
• You and your husband MUST stand together. If there is the slightest difference between you then children (boys and girls) will exploit it. Together you are greater than the sum of your parts. A solid wall that your son will eventually tire of trying to break. Agree your position and stick to it – never defy or undermine your wife / husband in front of your son at this stage.
• Boys often crave parental approval of their actions (actually I think they crave paternal approval more). Build your husband up in front of your son. Not only will your son perceive your husband as a man worthy of respect, he will then try to become a man worthy of respect himself.
These are just a few pointers. You will not be able to follow them all the time – we didn’t – we’re all human. But the bottom line – let him have his head and let him fail a few times as he grows. He will learn to deal with problems and develop the resilience and resourcefulness he will need as a man.
In life, falling over is not a failure. Not getting back up again is. Give your son enough space to learn how to get back up.
Sherlock,
One of my favorites is the movie McClintock. Another fantastic movie is Kansas City Confidential. There are more only I am drawing a blank right now. I have a special affinity for old spaghetti westerns and regular westerns. Anything with Clint Eastwood in it is very good. He made a bunch of westerns with Sergio Leone and Netflix is streaming a good many of these.
you mostly need to get out of the way.
I agree with this and I’m glad you said it. This is something I was trying to get at in the post, but it didn’t come out as clear as I meant it to.
Thank you for all of the pointers. My children are still quite young and the independent streaks, while there, are not very strong yet. We decided a long time ago that we are a united front and I think that you are absolutely right. Kids need that and they really need to see it. We try to show it as often as we can and we have even been asked about it from our kids. They don’t like it much now, at least on the surface. But they do understand what it means and I think they know that that front is there to back them up through their lives as well. While it can be irritating, deep down it is a very comforting thing for them.
“While it can be irritating, deep down it is a very comforting thing for them.”
parenting. yer doing it right.
there was an article on “helicopter parents” that wedge into every facet of their kids lives. every scrape is lethal. every issue a crisis. it really has led to kids being so screwed up now.
Stingray, thanks for this post. It is excellent advice. Could you do a similar post for raising daughters as well?
Thanks
Lauren
Lauren,
I’ll do my best but it might take a couple of days.
Welcome and I’m glad you liked the post.
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Here is what I (based on kids ages) either am teaching them or plan on teaching them:
http://davidvs.net/hobbies/index.shtml#Masculinity
Sorry, Davidvs. I just saw this as it went into spam.
de nada