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Control. In one shape or another, we crave it. If any of the balls we have flying up in the air were to drop, then the anxiety that would create is difficult to even contemplate. A large part of the reason we feel this way is that we will not allow, and often do not trust, the other people in our lives to help us out (or to even trust them with their own tasks). We feel we must be independent to somehow prove ourselves. We wish show to the world that we are capable and even great(er).
This is a problem when one is married. A very big problem. The very act of marriage negates the independence that so many women claim they wish to portray. Marriage has nothing to do with independence and the word should not even be contemplated after the vows are said. You are there for your husband and he is there for you. Once you’re married, it is time to let go.
Now, I am obviously not talking about women having no responsibilities or tasks to seriously take on within a marriage. If you’ve read much of this blog then you know that is not what I encourage. What I am talking about is the fact that not everything is your responsibility any more. You have a man there that you have chosen to spend your life with and who will now be taking a large chunk of responsibility for your life and for your marriage, as you should also be doing for him. It is time to step back and trust him to do just that. So many women these days seem to have an incredibly difficult time of just letting go. Realizing that those tasks, those aspects of your marriage or your life together, are things that you just need not worry about. Micromanaging it is rude and disrespectful to your husband and for his sake it needs to end. For your sake, as well.
I have often heard women say that things about their marriages bother them. Things that their husband does or does not do. Or, very often, does not complete it as she wishes it to be done. I’m not always convinced that she is angry or unhappy because it’s not completed as she wished. This unhappiness comes because she will not let go. She will not stop and simply trust that her husband is more than capable of handling the task in his own way. Your way is not necessarily right and his is not necessarily wrong (and at no time does it ever matter how the Jone’s do it).
Ladies, it’s time to let go. That ledge that you are reaching for, that place of peace that you are seeking by attempting to assert your control, that place is your husband. He is your rock, your hard place to hold onto. Trust him and just let go. You may feel as if you’re falling, but you’re not. You need to learn that he has got this. It might not be your way, but it’s going to get done and most of the time it will be done well*, if not simply differently. Ask the question that needs to be asked, “Did the kids get lunch yet?”, “Why have we been invoiced already?”, but then accept his answer. Simply let it go and trust him. As I said, for a time, you will feel as if you’re falling, but then when the balls you used to try and take for yourselves are firmly someplace else a peace will come over you as your Rock is holding steady.
Let him be your place of peace.
* If it is something new to him, there will be a learning curve just like there was when you first began said task. Leave him be about it. If he asks for pointers, give them to him respectfully.
** Comic from vimrod.com
So many women in Westernized culture wont let go. That is why more and more men are avoiding marriage. Nobody wants to be stuck with a nagger for the next 10 years or how every long it takes for her to get “bored”, divorce him and take half his wealth. Sorry ladies, if YOU and divorce laws change, I’ll “man up” like you want us to do and head back to the altar.
Razor,
In your estimation, would a lot of the men who are GTOW marry if women could not so easily divorce and were prepared to stick to their vows?
As a MGHOW myself, I would be more than open to consider marriage again with a strict prenup, knowing she could not get me for vaginamony or outrageous CS (if we had kids). But even then women need to drop the Westernized attitude that feminism has taught them over the past 50 years. I have no desire to marry a women who thinks a man is easily replaceable and contributes nothing to society. Drop “no fault” marriage and find me a woman who I know wont bail at the first sign of trouble and maybe I’ll walk down the aisle again. But I doubt things will dramatically change in my lifetime.
Razor,
I can’t say for sure one way or the other, but I get the sense from at least some of the men who are GTOW that if the legal situation were very different and the women truly respected men, that many would wish to marry. Women will, at some point, figure this out. It remains to be seen as to when.
I’ve read a couple of commenters who say they work with younger kids. They say they are seeing it’s effects already.
Both in and out of relationships I think its important to expect balls to be dropped or to be passed off and handled differently by someone else. I know I let things go on a regular basis. Not because I don’t care but because I push myself while knowing what my priorities and goals are.
So if keeping a priority going means dropping a ball thats fine. If it means handing a ball off I do so fully knowing it would otherwise be dropped and viewing anything the person is able to give other than that as a gift
I agree with you, Leap. It’s important for everyday life to have priorities and to let some things just go by the wayside for a bit or for good. It’s part of life and being happy. This sense of uber control, I wondered if while writing this is if it isn’t a form of competition, hence the “it doesn’t matter what the Jones’s are doing”.
Help is a gift, from anyone. Having it thrown back in one’s face is . . . wrong and utterly disrespectful. And I say that as a wife who has done this before and will probably do it again in an unthinking moment. Wives need to take a step back and imagine talking to a girlfriend or stranger in that manner. Or better yet, someone speaking to her like that. She can then see it better for what it is, as long as she doesn’t allow her hamster to try and change what she did.
This manner of argument and even just everyday talk is seemingly encouraged today. I guess it’s part of that “go grrrrrl” thing as well as the “you can do it all” meme.
BTW, I hope work is slowing some and that your computer is fixed.
I’ve noticed that treating things this way will encourage those around you to respond in the same manner. I have far fewer incidents of people being upset at me for saying no or doing the actions different than they would when I make it clear they’re free to say no or do things different than I would. Its a much healthier way to live.
Life is still busy, with 12 hour days, but I’m in control and thus it is much less stressful than it has been before. Last night I got the computer working when its plugged in to the wall, but the battery wont charge so it instantly dies when I unplug it.
Thanks for the link, doll!
Razor, this was not something I “got” when I was single…geez, I was married 14 years before I got it. So, my focus has been to help other Christian married women get it. I don’t have a clue how to reach single gals except for the two I’m raising. I hope beyond hope that my nieces and young cousins are curious enough to read my blog and blogs like this. It certainly is a different way of thinking than how their parents are raising them.
I’ve noticed that treating things this way will encourage those around you to respond in the same manner. I have far fewer incidents of people being upset at me for saying no or doing the actions different than they would when I make it clear they’re free to say no or do things different than I would. Its a much healthier way to live.
Confidence breeds confidence? Your frame sets the tone and people follow it. As SD says, this was not something I knew when I first married either. It took my husbands unbending frame to teach it to me. I thought I was supposed to be the leader and while it lead to lots of cognitive dissonance, it’s how I thought a marriage was supposed to be. My husband wouldn’t bend, so naturally, I bent to him. And, as you said, it’s a much healthier way to live. I respond in the manner according to his frame and I couldn’t be more content or happier.
SD,
Yup. I made a whole lot of mistakes as well, and like you, want to make those mistakes clear to other women so they can either change to aid their marriages or, even better, change before any wedding takes place. But as you say, how to reach the younger generations? I haven’t a clue. I am just a boring old fogey to those girls and likely considered off my rocker. Good grief, even my parents don’t like me to talk about any red-pill knowledge even though, in essence they fully agree with what I say. They just cannot get past the language I use for fear I am some kind of doormat and would teach my kids the same. Fear is oppressive.
i know all too well my job in a relationship. i mud be her rock, the oak that shades her. whatever tempest stirs in her does not move me, i take the helm and steer us to calmer waters.
maybe that’s archaic, but it’s worked me me so far. i don’t want to control my woman. BUT, i do realize i need to be “in control”.
i don’t want to control my woman. BUT, i do realize i need to be “in control”.
And that sentence pretty much says it all in a nut shell. I can’t think of a single man I have ever met who wants to control his woman. Sure, there are a few out there. There always will be. What a hamster spin we have lead this whole civilization down by deriding men who are in control and then (purposefully? for some I’m sure, but I don’t think for most women this was the case) conflating that with men who want their women truly under their control.
i often tell men there is a fine line between being decisive and being dictatorial. the later never works. the former brings major tingles.
My family has had a manic-depressive attitude about the marriage SD and I have. They can’t decide if I’m treating her like a princess or hostage. You know that whole compassionate, sexist problem.
RLB,
I have had some friends say some of the strangest things to me. My family saying it doesn’t bother me. I find it rather amusing and most of the time when my friends say it I am simply amused as well. Sometimes it gets under my skin.
“My family has had a manic-depressive attitude about the marriage SD and I have. They can’t decide if I’m treating her like a princess or hostage.”
I have the same problem with my in-laws sometimes. I have stopped giving a shit. It’s my marriage, not theirs.
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