Picking Flowers by Arthur Hopkins
I bought the book Queen of the Home compiled by Jennifer M. McBride a while back and in it was this beautiful play called When Queens Ride By by Olive White Fortenbacher (Which she adapted from the short story of the same name by Agnes Slight Turnbull). I was thinking about this play today while driving around and wanted to share it with you (It’s not terribly long, so if you have the time, it’s well worth reading in it’s entirety).
The basis of the play is a young couple who have taken on a farm. In her quest to help her husband and her family, Jenny Mangrave had taken on more of the responsibilities of the farm and had little to no time for their home or children. She then meets a stange woman, who in her older age has a youthful beauty about her. In their talking, the stranger relays this story:
Just after we were married, my husband decided to have his own business, so he started a very tiny one. I helped my husband in the store, but we would both be tired and discouraged after a hard day at the office and we didn’t seem to be having any great success. The house got run down and dinner was always a hasty affair, and soon we both started complaining and bickering with each other. Finally, we decided that maybe I should stay at home and let him take care of his work at the office as best he could. And then I worked in my house to make it a clean, shining, happy place. My husband would come home dead-tired and discouraged, ready to give up the whole thing. But after he had eaten and sat in our bright little living room, and I had told him all the funny things I could invent about my day, I could see him change. By bedtime, he had his courage back, and by morning, he was all ready to go out and fight again. And at last he won.
Jenny, at first frustrated by the advice to help her own family, decides to try this and attacks it with zeal. The difference it makes in their life along with the promise of beauty is wonderful. Not necessarily just her beauty, but the beauty of their potential together.
This wonderful play got me thinking of the concept we often talk about in our Men being our Rock. He is there for us to cling to; to hold tight to when we need him to hold us steady. When we feel frightened, anxious, angry, we can turn to him to calm the storm. But what is the corollary to this? What can we do for our men to support and be there for them that can possibly show how much him being our Rock means to us?
What many of us will try to do is take on his load. We will try to make the money, pay the bills, put our backs up to the world and be strong and independent, even when we’re married. We’ll do this while still wanting our husbands to be that Rock and clinging to him through the storm. We are convinced that our strength and independence will help him weather it, as well. But, that’s not how it works. A Rock cannot cling to another Rock to steady himself. He cannot grab onto another solid surface to find relief. The stress of the day just bounces off of that hard surface and back onto him. There is no place for it to go, so it simply continues to grow. Our husbands and our Men do not need their own Rock in us to cling to, they need a soft place to lie their heads. They need a place they can go to and let the stress melt away. That is the corollary to our husbands Rock. A soft place to land. A place where they can just be and enjoy the beauty and peace around them.They then have the strength and energy to be our Rock and to face the world again and again and again.
This is so very hard for us to see today. We are encouraged to be strong, but that so often turns into being abrasive. We think we are helping by nagging, by demanding, by saying our way is the way it must be done. We become hard (and often brittle) and when our husbands need a place to let their stress dissipate, we only give them a hard surface for it to bounce back onto them.
To let go and to see that we aren’t being the help he needs can be very hard to see. It feels passive to us; almost as if we aren’t doing much of anything. But that’s simply not true. To have a space to let the day go, to let it dissipate into nothing and have a soft spot to land and recharge is a wonderful and necessary thing. Don’t discount what you are doing as nothing or unnecessary. Him having a soft and beautiful spot to land is just as important as him being your Rock to cling to in a storm.
Side Note: This is not to say that wives should not help as they can whenever necessary. My point is that men don’t need more hardness to help them through their day.
Excerpt from When Queens Ride By, Olive White Fortenbacher. Published 1932. Adapted from When Queens Ride By, by Agnes Slight Turnbull. Published 1888.
I cannot explain in words how true this is, how heart-wrenchingly important, what a feeling of grateful relief it gives in the mere acknowledgement of its possibility, what wonders such a thing could inspire.
I know I’ve said it before on other blogs, but I don’t think I have here. Apologies if I am repeating myself. And apologies for this poor rendition of it.
Women look to men as a refuge, because they need security and see and feel in men a sense of security. Women cling to men to escape the dangers of the world.
Men look to women as a refuge, because they need solace and see and feel in women a sense of solace. Men cling to women to escape the horrors of the world.
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Peregrinejohn,
Thank you. I hope some women will read this and take it to heart.
donalgraeme,
Well said. Women struggle with this concept for 2 reasons, I think. 1) So many today don’t think men should need or want solace from the world, which is dreck. 2) Women want to actively do something, to be overt like men. It’s what we’re taught is best. It makes it very hard to see that the covert is what is often needed. To see that there IS actually a corollary to a man being a Rock, and how very important it is, will hopefully help women to see that they can help in an effective way, not just in a way that makes them feel better about what they are doing.
it’s pretty amazing how i can be in a completely shit mood and the woman can put me at ease relatively quickly.
Beautiful
Chad,
Thank you.
Stingray, They need a place they can go to and let the stress melt away.
I personally don’t need this from my wife. However, what I absolutely need is the knowledge that my work in the world has purpose, and a wife and family to support who actually needs the provision creates real meaning. Because making money just to get rich or to spend on toys or trips is, in the end, pretty pointless. And even though I enjoy work, there just has to be more.
Why sould my wife work when the whole reason I am working is to support what’s going on at home? If my wife worked, I would be happy to stay home, because that’s where all the action is. I’m baffled at people’s obsession with career; anyone who expects their coworkers to even remember who they are the minute they retire is fooling themselves. They will find sadly find out out when they get to the end of their working days, if not before…
If I were single, I would probably do adventure stuff and have a blast, albeit a shallow blast. But the only way to produce meaning in the rat race for most people is a family.
If you haven’t watched it already, I suggest checking out Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom. The girl protagonist, Suzy, is tough and combative with everyone else, and capably steps up to help Sam when needed, but otherwise fulfills this traditional feminine role for the boy protagonist, Sam.
You might like this, Stingray:
http://hearth-tobelovely.blogspot.com/2013/10/types-of-wives.html
mdavid,
You should check out the link Elspeth left above. I think you would like it. You would also like the Chesterton piece I put up today.
I haven’t seen it, but I’ll look it up. Thanks, Eric.
The problem with female protagonists capably stepping up is that, while many women can step up to a certain degree in dangerous situations, most men are much better at it. This is what is usually missing in the equation (and I enjoy a good female protagonist as much as anyone, when I’m looking to be entertained).
Thanks Elspeth! That is a very good read and makes a whole lot of sense. I bet we all have all three to some degree and as you said there, tailor what is needed for our husbands.
Just like a rich man needs a good bank for safe-keeping purposes… a stead-fast and loving man, needs to be able to leave his good side at home in the morning, so that It doesn’t get tainted by the harshness of the world.
An other angle… Men are supposed to be able internalize the display of happiness at home, when we are weak, so that we then can go out into the world to project said happiness with strength. A man’s strength will however break down, if he doesn’t have a wife that maintains said strength.
But what we have today is beguiled women who are more afraid of being tide down to a functional relationship, than what it means to have a society of uninspired and strengthless/broken men.
Well said, Andreas, and welcome.
A man isn’t strong until he has the weakness burnt out of him. That is also the point in his life when he starts to attract the kind of women he would like to have
If I may rephrase that as having blinding self-pity burnt out…
Strength does actually need a form of controlled weakness, for it to remain sustained. Now that is not to say, that you are to allow yourself to be controlled by any weakness, but to have a heartfelt strength that can be influenced by weakness to a degree. Heartless strength, that won’t allow for any weakness, is generally quick to condemn and will eventually break down and turn against itself.
Women will even empathize with weakness when it’s expressed through a well established framework of strength, because they will see it as a worthwhile investment. They will however not care for weakness which can be controlled by them, generally speaking. So to summarize, true strength will allow itself to get hurt or look weak, but only according to its own terms and conditions.
It’s up to men to establish long-term balance as heads and for women to maintain it as generational mediators. Granted, things do become a bit more challenging if you have to deal with the political artifices of the state.
—
Thank you, Stingray, for the welcome. I’ll make sure to look out for any updates.
I’ll have to wonder if you have any other Finnish/Swedish readers, hm(?)
Andreas,
Could you be talking about humility?
I’ll have to wonder if you have any other Finnish/Swedish readers, hm(?)
Hmmmm . . . could be . . . 😉
I’m not sure how much you check in, but I’ve had a handful of views from Sweden this week.
Stringray,
Haha, well using one simple word wouldn’t have sounded as important 😉
it’s always nice thought, to have your words interpreted for the sake of simplicity.
You probably know the term, rationalization hamster? I say it’s a good thing when it has its foundation on trust/understanding. As It is a great asset for a man, to have, who doesn’t like to explain himself too much, especially in simple terms. Much like how a lawyer can interpret/convey the judgement/words of the presiding judge.
I say it’s a good thing when it has its foundation on trust/understanding. As It is a great asset for a man, to have, who doesn’t like to explain himself too much, especially in simple terms.
Yes, agreed.
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From the perspective of the homeschooling wife/mother, I would like to point out that that the homeschooling family actually has more in common with the dual-career family than the traditional stay-home wife-mother family: http://stthomasmoreacademy.blogspot.com/2015/11/the-dual-career-family-has-more-in.html — even if some disagree. Just my opinion, mind you.
The wisdom I have gleaned is that there is no “rock” to cling to except God. He is It. There is no other human being — save perhaps another homeschooling mother — to whom the homeschooling mother can turn, unless her husband is one of those people who looks upon this as a joint effort (he goes to the conferences with her, he will share her worries and what’s keeping her up at night, he participates without lecturing her and preaching away at her about all the “things she’s doing wrong” — there is a productive way and an unproductive way to help here.)
Over time, you learn to do your job well and be the “soft place” (or, pour the beer, keep quiet, and don’t block the TV) while depending on God to be your Rock when you are really overwhelmed with anxiety. One day you can look back on all the expectations and dreams you had about married life and get a good laugh. Because it is really quite funny, the ideas we have about people.
Oh, and I forgot — the husband can become the rock also if he’s willing to understand that in order to do this thing well, the family lifestyle has to change somewhat because his wife is not a perpetual-motion machine who can do, do, do without refueling. Even if his temperament and employment situation prohibit much helping with education, the ability to cut some slack on his wife will work wonders in maintaining reasonable good will — that is, if maintaining reasonable good will is as important to him as being obeyed and seeing results fast.
Yes, I agree that God must be our Rock, only I write also for secular women. Not just Christian women.
I am of the opinion that our husbands are our earthly Rocks.
the husband can become the rock also if he’s willing to understand that in order to do this thing well, the family lifestyle has to change somewhat because his wife is not a perpetual-motion machine who can do, do, do without refueling.
Yes, of course.
Listen, I am very happy that you have been so active here the past couple of days. It is nice to have someone here with whom I have so much in common. However, I ask that you try to keep in mind that the vast majority of women who read here have had the exact opposite experience of yours. You could be a lot of help to them as well.
I am glad you believe I could be of help — although I must say that I find that rather odd that you would say so. Generally, if a dissenting voice from someone with the exact opposite experience comes into a blog such as this, the person is called a troll and a liar, etc. I’ve seen it happen. The view is very one-sided. But I digress.
If I can be of help, this is the first piece of advice I can think of to offer — women need to be tough to a certain point, to shoulder their burdens and accept that being vulnerable and reaching out for help will most often only find that the burden is made heavier, perhaps to “teach them a lesson”. That will make it very difficult to shoulder, so I would recommend keeping your problems to yourself (of course I’m a fine one to talk since I’m writing here). I suggest simply making the comment that you are feeling emotional and you need to leave for an hour. Go to a park or take a long walk somewhere where nobody can hear you or be annoyed by you and talk all you want to yourself, or cry if you have to — just as long as nobody sees you. Tears are the #1 manipulator in men’s eyes (no pun intended) and sure as shooting if you break down in front of someone, you’ll regret it later. I liken it to clinging to the edge of a cliff, and you yell for help, so the person above, to prevent you from being annoying, steps on your fingers. Climb back up onto the cliff by yourself and keep asking God to make sure you don’t fall.
Hope it helps, although I doubt it.
I don’t discuss marriage on my blog except in context of teaching our children about morality and purity and carrying your cross (you can see it all there).
I don’t see the point of continuing this, so I’ll just stop. Again, pardon the intrusion, thanks for the opportunity, and I hope you’ll visit my blog sometimes.
I am a Catholic homeschooling wife. So are you. You are aware of what the Bible and what God calls us to do. You can be of some help.
women need to be tough to a certain point, to shoulder their burdens
I couldn’t agree more.
accept that being vulnerable and reaching out for help will most often only find that the burden is made heavier
With this, most men would be more than willing and happy to help. This is where your experiences cloud your judgement. They are not of the norm. Though again, I agree with saying, as necessary, that you are emotional and just need time. I give this advice often.
As to tears, yes. They most definitely are. But when they are real, men tend to respond well. I’m not trying to harp on your bad experiences, honest. I just want you to see beyond . . .
keep asking God to make sure you don’t fall.
A thousand times, yes.
I don’t see the point of continuing this, so I’ll just stop. Again, pardon the intrusion, thanks for the opportunity, and I hope you’ll visit my blog sometimes.
I understand so I will stop as well. Thank you for listening. You’ve been quite fair and I really appreciate it. It’s not common for those who disagree to be as polite about it as you have been.
I will stop by your blog. Thank you for the invitation.
“But when they are real, men tend to respond well. I’m not trying to harp on your bad experiences, honest. I just want you to see beyond . . .”
Men never believe they are real. They believe them to be manipulative. The worst thing you can do around a man is be vulnerable. Just some words of wisdom from someone who’s figured it out. You’ve got to be tough as nails and handle everything yourself. Ideal communication according to men is your husband doing the talking and you keeping your mouth shut.
Sorry for coming back, but just felt it was necessary to point out — to borrow a phrase from a flaming liberal, which no doubt I’ll be accused of being — an inconvenient truth. It’s no fun, but nobody said life was going to be fun or fair. The whole point is saving your soul, even in the most “interesting” circumstances.
Just some words of wisdom from someone who’s figured it out.
I believe that you have figured it out for the men you are around. I spent an evening and read around quite a bit of your blog. How you were raised in a Traditional Latin community. One that likely had to fight tooth and nail to maintain it’s integrity. I can’t even imagine what that was like and I find it unsurprising that this is how the men in your community feel (in an effort to combat the outside world). I’m not saying it’s right, only I can understand it.
Having said that, your community is one community and I would bet a small one. We only found out about Summorum Pontificum a few years ago and my husband is a cradle Catholic. The Traditional ways are relatively small in relation to how the vast majority of the rest of the world thinks and behaves. So, I completely disagree with this, Men never believe they are real. For the vast majority of men, outside of your community who have been raised on bastardized Christian values of the Church of Nice, they absolutely believe it is real. Sadly, today, most men believe they are real even when they are not because this is what most of them have been taught to believe. This is a huge reason that feminism has been able to get such a stranglehold on the world at large.
So I believe what you say works in your circumstance but that vast majority of us were not raised in your circumstance and neither do they live there. I have been telling women for years and years to be more vulnerable to their husbands because women are usually so crass and closed off. I would say about 98% of those women have benefitted from that advice and come back to say how much it has helped their overall marriage. I am truly sorry this advice doesn’t work for you, but again I cannot and will not change my advice when it works the vast majority of the time.
The whole point is saving your soul, even in the most “interesting” circumstances.
I agree completely. But again, most were not raised with anything even close to the values you were raised with. They were raised with the complete opposite values and must tackle their challenges from the opposite direction.
My husband wasn’t raised in a Traditional community. Only I was. His attitudes don’t come from Traditionalism. And I’m not asking you to change anything you say. This is your blog, not mine. I’m only saying that you live, you learn, and you realize it’s only you, God and your wits. You’re stuck with it and that’s all there is to it. Sorry again for intruding.
I’m only saying that you live, you learn, and you realize it’s only you, God and your wits. You’re stuck with it and that’s all there is to it.
Again, I agree with you completely regarding this. And please don’t apologize. You are not intruding. I appreciate your viewpoint because I am aware that things as you describe do happen. It’s humbling and it makes me think. It helps me to think balance. But it is a balance I must maintain remembering how most women and men are raised today. Your husband is not in the norm. He is far, far outside it. I am sorry that you cannot be vulnerable with your husband. But I do not want women to see your advice, women who were raised feminist and are struggling with the opposite mindset and take your words without seeing any counter argument.
You are welcome here. All I ask is that you think about what I am saying as it applies to the majority of people out there. Many having rejected ay kind of traditionalism and most never having been exposed to any of it at all.
I count myself very, very lucky that we have found the Extraordinary Form. It’s opened a whole new world to us. One that, if we were not seeking it, we would never have known about. Much of Traditionalism is still hidden to the masses because they have no idea to even look for it. I see this with men and women with regards to their marriages as well.
are there any posts here to address men being treated as disposable tools? I don’t care if she’s my soft place to land tbh if she sees me as a human doing rather than a human being. I’m a very high energy person capable of insane levels of productivity, if anything I need a woman who can get me to relax and take a nap so I don’t crash. On the other hand I absolutely refuse to be a utility. As nice as it would be to have a stay at home wife to be my soft place to land, it’s not healthy for me to have to constantly wonder if I’m really a human being to her or if it’s just an amazing act to keep me productive. I absolutely will lie to a woman about my income, until she can prove me for multiple years that she truly loves me as a human being, that she thinks I deserve to be loved. Until women collectively stop treating men like fucking machines, there will be war on earth.