Something has come together slowly for me over the past couple of years as I’ve let go of control in my marriage (not that I ever really had it, mind you). As I’ve let go, my husband, who has lead very well, has only stepped up and taken on more. He has become more masculine, more manly, more protective, more caring, more everything that the does.
Here’s what so many women today do not understand. What a husband is, what a husband does, first comes from a place of being Man. Therefore, we don’t get to say what that means. Let me rephrase. Rather, we do get to say, but very often what we say we want, often falls sadly short of the truth of what we actually desire.
Fairly often, at the Red Pill Women Reddit, we get questions about how a woman could make (sometimes it will say help) her man be more dominant or more alpha. Many of the articles were removed or the women were told that they cannot do this. You cannot make your man more dominant. It caused quite a bit of confusion as we often talk about how our men became more dominant in our marriages.
Here is the problem. There is a stark difference between “building a better beta” and stepping back and letting a man be his own man. Building a better beta involves teaching a man or submitting to him just enough so that he is more confident and therefore more dominant to better the marriage but also includes the wife having some control so as to make her comfortable and feel safe with him. This is very much seen in the large checklist that women make about the man they say they deserve.
Rollo has a post up awhile ago entitled The Myth of the ‘Good Guy.
If you read through any woman’s online dating profile you undoubtedly come across some variation of what Roissy has described as the “483 bullet point checklist” of stated prerequisites a man must possess in order for her to consider him a viable candidate for her intimacy. While I don’t think there are quite that many items on the checklist, you’ll find a host of common-theme personal qualities a guy has to have in order to be her boyfriend – confident (above all), humorous, kind, intelligent, creative, decisive, sensitive, respectful, spiritual, patient,..I could go on or you could just read this old joke.
. . . .
The confusion that most Beta men make is presuming that what women list as being necessarily ‘attractive’ IS what makes him ‘arousing’.
What we say we desire, this checklist we desire from a man who simultaneously respects us (not to be confused with civility) and who excites us; who is simultaneously sensitive with his emotions and masculine; who is kind yet strong and so on, all of these characteristics come from a feminine mindset. We tend to believe that a man can be all of these things, but we demand them in a way we (think we) prefer. Only, for men, it usually doesn’t translate. We expect men to give us things on our terms and not on their own. We expect men to respect us in the way we understand the term (how we feel it) and not in the way men understand the term (do it). In short, we want men to understand all about us and how we feel without learning all about them. And most of us don’t even realize this is what we expect.
We need to step back and stop demanding and asking for these things on our terms. Rather, it is time to try to understand what these things mean to our men and accept them on their terms. It’s time to step back and learn that just because our men are not responding in the way we expect, that does not mean that we are not getting the things we would like from them. It just simply looks different in a masculine form. What’s more, this masculine way of respect, kindness, love, and decisiveness is what draws us to them. Can it sometimes be frustrating? Of course, especially if we do not understand. But, very often, it is these things that they give to us that draws us to them even more. That attracts and arouses us while they love us, in their way.
While we cannot make our men be more alpha or even help them on their way (directly) what we can do is step back. We can recognize that we are often getting what we desire from them, just not in the feminine way we’ve come to expect and desire (and ultimately, resent). When we do this, when we accept and nurture our men for who they are, Men, very often their masculinity will soar and draw us even closer to them. In this place, we will see that we don’t make them more masculine, we simply let them be who they are.