How can I support my husband when he is out of a job?

Tags

helping, job loss

Emily asks the following:

My question for you is this: how can a stay-at-home wife and mother best support her husband when he’s out of a job? I’ve tried at various times being helpful (as best I could, though I’m not sure it was received as such) and staying out of it entirely. I’ve also suggested finding a job myself – this, I think, was a mistake, or at least the way I phrased it was a mistake. My husband definitely took it as criticism of his abilities. My current strategy – keeping my mouth shut and staying up all night worrying – is neither helping nor particularly healthy, I imagine. We’re not facing eviction or anything yet, but we are burning through our retirement savings. Is there anything (aside from scrimping as much as possible) I can do to help the situation, or is this simply a ride-it-out and trust moment?

Help during a time like this can be difficult, to say the least.  We tend to think that help has to be a very active thing.  That if we are not doing something, and something big at that, it can’t be help.  Especially when we are afraid because when we give into our fear and help in a way that makes us feel better, that usually makes this situation worse.

When it comes to our husbands, especially in this kind of situation, help will often look very different than we think it should or even want it to. I don’t think it wrong for a wife to offer to go back to work in this situation, but as Emily said, wording is very important.  Timing as well.  It should be brought up as one option of many and mentioned once for him to consider and then not brought up again unless he truly wants to consider it.

There are those who will try to convince you that not wanting his wife to work is weakness on the man’s part.  This is typically not the case.  A husband wants very much to care for his wife, to provide for her and their family.  The  drive to want to do this on his own is a strength.  A strength we should never belittle or try to take from him. It is part of his masculinity and not for us to define, especially when we are afraid.

First, the easy stuff to help with.  Scrimp, scrimp, scrimp.  Find cheap recipes to make for meals, including making your own bread.  There are some very easy bread recipes out there (look into sourdough and try to find a starter from a friend that you don’t have to buy.  Also, no kneed yeast breads). One can make a loaf of bread for less than a dollar a loaf and the taste is out of this world.  If anyone has any ideas for inexpensive family recipes, leave them in the comments.  Use your grocery store circulars.  One can find really good deals in those from time to time.  Ask friends for their Sunday paper’s coupons that they don’t use and get online and print coupons from there (if it’s cost effective.  Take into account the price of paper and ink to do this). Lastly, depending on where you live, look around your area for fruits and greens that are wild.  Things like plantain leaf, purslane, and dandelion greens are amazingly healthy and right out your front door.  It might seem unorthodox at first, but it’s one of those things you might not stop doing.  They are very tasty. Drive less and walk more, if possible.  This is one of those things that can have a double duty as, if your husband comes with you, you can spend time with your family, keep it fun and light and enjoy each other even in this difficult time.  Again, please leave any other ideas in the comments.

Now, lets get to the help that he really needs from his wife.  In this situation, the help that a husband needs, more than anything else, is to know that you trust him and aren’t afraid.  He needs to know that you 100% support him and trust him to get a new job so he can continue to do his job of leading his family.  He is feeling like he failed, dejected and afraid.  He doesn’t want you to know any of that, at least not all of it so he will put on a strong front, for you as much for himself.  Nothing can take down a vulnerable husband faster than a wife who is afraid and is trying to take control of the situation.

So, what does a wife do?  First and foremost, she learns to let go of the fear.  This is the most difficult thing for her to do.  You’ll have to fake it at first, but lying awake at night worrying is going to wear on both of you.  Even as you’re faking it, your husband will have an inkling that you are afraid, that little bit you can’t hide in your eyes.  You must work to be truly not afraid.  You must work to put your trust completely in him, so much so that you are literally 100% unafraid of this situation.  The way in which this will build him up and give him confidence is not in me to describe.  But your complete faith in him will drive him to do whatever he can to get back on his feet.

If your Christian, PRAY.  Give your fear to God.  All of it. Remind yourself, that even should the very worst, come.  You will still be together as a family.  Nothing can pull you apart as long as you don’t let it.  This should be a huge comfort to you, because no matter what, you will be together.  Have faith that God will pull you through and trust your husband implicitly to do that.  He won’t be able to do it without you.  Also, find that which brings joy to your life.  When the fear is poking up, put your entire focus on that thing.  If you like to garden, plan your garden.  In your head, make the most beautiful garden you can and plan every inch of it. Find something like this that you can force yourself to focus on.

So, how is this, what many people will see as passivity, truly helping?  It seems as if we are doing nothing and if we aren’t actively doing something everything will fall apart and we will fail. Or the things that we can do, the scrimping and making our houses a home, are simply secondary and doing nothing to directly effect the situation.  Don’t make this mistake.  We are wives and the very best and most direct thing we can do to help in this situation is to let our husbands know that our confidence in them is unwavering. That they are literally our knights in shining armor.  Let them be that.  This is not passive, it is not wrong and it is not weakness.  Rather, the ability to let go of our fear is a true feminine strength.  Strive for this, this feminine strength that with practice we can find and do not let others convince you it is weakness.  As when you do find it, the masculine strength it can inspire in your husband will amaze you.

Stop Being So Afraid

Tags

fear, femininity, masculinity

Yup. From Fight Club. All the women and fear images were about weak men fearing strong women. This one made the most sense.

In our misunderstandings of what it is to be Man, we’ve come to fear masculinity.  We see it as brutish and severe and something to be contained.  Only, it’s not on us to contain.  It’s not on us to decide, from our feminine minds, what masculinity is.  And because we’ve done that for the past several decades, we now have an underlying fear of men.  In some cases, this fear is healthy.  Only, we’ve carried it so far as to have some fear of our husbands as well.

We fear their decisions that would be different than our own.  We fear what they might do to our bodies should we give them freely.  We fear their confidence, their expectations of us, we even fear their respect because we don’t truly understand it.  We even sometimes fear their word.  It’s time to stop this.  These men are the ones who have vowed to love and cherish us, forsaking all others, for the rest of their lives.  They deserve our trust and our understanding.  Not only our understanding of them personally, but our understanding of what it is to be a Man.

Some will say, why should we do this? Why shouldn’t they be more like women and understand us?  We’ve tried that now.  We’ve tried it for at least 4 decades and it isn’t working.  Women are reportedly more unhappy than ever before and men are (understandably) fleeing from ever getting married.  When we strive to understand masculinity and our men (as much as we can.  There are things that will always be beyond us), our families, our children and we as women tend to be happier.  When there are times of needing feminine perspective, it is time to go to other women.  To go to them to learn what is going on.

What exactly are we afraid of?  Our friends not understanding why we don’t talk badly about our husbands?  Why we choose to care for them?  Being vulnerable to the man we vowed to spend our lives with?  I understand that there are a few occasions of men taking advantage of this vulnerability, but how often does this really happen, and do we truly fear this from a man that many women have spent years and years with, with no sign of any trouble?

One of the things I was trying to get at in my last post (and I’m not sure I did), is that there will be times when we stand back that our husbands might get stern, or unequivocally make his expectations known, or do something else that might frustrate or anger us or cause fear.  It might take us by surprise, but in these instances, is it really out of his character?  Or is it the way he treats those he keeps close to him because he respects them?  Leaders have expectations of those who follow them and sometimes, especially if those expectations aren’t met, he may get stern, to man or woman.  This actually is a sign of respect, from a man.  It means he knows you are capable.  If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be there.  Respect to a man does not mean, he won’t hurt my feelings.

Do not fear masculinity in your husbands, sons, brothers, fathers and other trusted men.  It is this that draws us to them and we should not try to hinder that drive and we should certainly trust them enough to not fear them.

** Yes, there are those who have broken that trust.  I understand that.  The question is, why and is he working to rebuild that again?

Teaching a Wife about Submission

Tags

how women think, submission

FM writes,

Stingray– back in February, you wrote this in response to a Rollo blog post. I was wondering if you still felt this way about opening up the topic of submission with a wife. The general context was a man asking if he should “teach” is wife about submission. Any more comments you have on this topic would be welcome, as many men are trying to get this topic started with their wives–it is all very awkward! Thanks for your thoughts.

You write: “one way to start turning around a LTR is to educate wives about the necessity of primate females giving bananas and grooming the males. Make her see that she *has* to submit to making him sandwiches, and she *has* to submit to giving him back rubs (I believe I am direct quoting another commenter with the bold).
Unless she is extremely religious and was raised that way; NO. You are making the familiar mistake in assuming men and women think the same way. We decidedly do NOT.
If you try to explain this idea of having to submit to most women they will simply look at you with disgust and begin the shaming language, “Oppressor!” Submission is synonymous with doormat today.
You can’t explain it to her. You have to make her feel it; inspire it from her (over a period of time you might be able to explain it to some women after you’ve demonstrated the behavior). Telling a woman she has to submit to an inferior man is like telling a man he has to have sex with a 400 pound woman.”

Women tend to understand situations and even terms in how they make us feel.  This is why things like Dread game, submission and whatnot are usually so viscerally appalling to a lot of women.  They read the word dread and they feel it first, then infer the meaning through what they feel.  They are going to feel real and intense dread and then believe that this is what Rollo are any other writer is talking about inducing in his wife.  Wherein reality, this real dread that the women are feeling is usually only talked about being used by men in extreme circumstances.  Solipsism makes this differentiation difficult to suss out.

So, if you talk to your wife about submission, without first making her feel it in a positive manner, she is going to feel what she thinks of as submission first and then apply it to what you are saying.  As most women think of the word submission as a man wanting a doormat, a slave, and to oppress her, this is what she will feel you want her to become.  This is why I say you must make her feel it first.  If you are going to make her feel it in a positive way, you have to become the superior man (another one of those words that is going to make her feel badly.  Don’t use it).  Once this state is firmly in place, then you might be able to broach this subject with her.  A man knows his wife best and the decision of whether this is best and how to do it are yours.  For those women who might do well hearing from other women, I highly suggest the Red Pill Women subreddit.  For those religious women, I can’t recommend Elspeth highly enough, as well as the links from her commenters and her sidebar (and to humbly add, they may like it here as well). ((Edited to add: Personally, I do not recommend trying to openly teach about submission until she can feel what it is you mean by it, not what society has taught her to feel about it.))

For the men, keep learning.  Rollo did a podcast over this past weekend that I thought was tremendous for men to learn from.  It’s long and the interviewers were crass.  Don’t let this deter you.  Near the end he talks of becoming.  Of no longer having to Game your wife, because it is fully internalized.  It’s a matter of course.   And it’s not in some kind of oppressive way.  It is in this becoming whom he wants to be and has chosen to be that is the best place for him to be able to love and care for his family.  This is something I very much agree with.

You asked if I still believe this and I very much do.  I think a lot of men, even men who have learned or are learning the red pill, still fall into the very dangerous trap in thinking that men and women think the same.  Even though, they have read and on some level understand this is not true, the extent to how very differently we think and process information is still not understood.  When she feels it, only then will she be able to put some kind of words to it.  Understand, that she may not want to.  Also understand she may not need to.  Lead her to where the family needs to go.

**FM, my apologies for this coming late.

My Choice

I’ve been reading a lot lately from some comment forums that the whole point of feminism was to bring to women the gift of choice.  Their choice to work or not, vote, get an education, own property, etc.

The Education Gap since 1880’s. I’m not sure when women weren’t allowed to go to school in the West? (H/T)

A lot of women have been writing how their choice has been to be a mom, and that is why they are anti-feminist. One of the first comments on these threads is usually something along the lines of, well congratulations on your dream.  Feminists made it possible.

Women aren’t feeling like being a mom isn’t acceptable for nothing.

Every time I hear someone say that feminism is about validating every choice a woman makes I have to fight back vomit.

Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself? There’s no way those two things are the same. . . .

Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. We have baby showers and wedding parties as if it’s a huge accomplishment and cause for celebration to be able to get knocked up or find someone to walk down the aisle with. These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average. And here’s the thing, why on earth are we settling for average?

If women can do anything, why are we still content with applauding them for doing nothing? . . .

Now, I actually agree with her about the part that it’s not a huge accomplishment to have kids.  Most women can and it is what our bodies are made to do.

You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids. . . .

It’s because women secretly like to talk about how hard managing a household is so they don’t have to explain their lack of real accomplishments . . .

Women will be equal with men when we stop demanding that it be considered equally important to do housework and real work. They are not equal. Doing laundry will never be as important as being a doctor or an engineer or building a business. This word play is holding us back.

Now, I’m not terribly interested in dissecting this article.  It’s pretty obvious.  Many feminist will come back and say, well this is just one women and most feminists just don’t feel this way.  This is not what real feminism is about!

But some very well known old school feminists felt the same way.

A parasite sucking out the living strength of another organism…the [housewife’s] labor does not even tend toward the creation of anything durable…. [W]oman’s work within the home [is] not directly useful to society, produces nothing. [The housewife] is subordinate, secondary, parasitic. It is for their common welfare that the situation must be altered by prohibiting marriage as a ‘career’ for woman.” ~ Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1949.

No woman should be authorized to stay at home and raise her children. Society should be totally different. Women should not have that choice, precisely because if there is such a choice, too many women will make that one.” – “Sex, Society, and the Female Dilemma,” Simone de Beauvoir Saturday Review, June 14, 1975.

[Housewives] are mindless and thing-hungry…not people. [Housework] is peculiarly suited to the capacities of feeble-minded girls. [It] arrests their development at an infantile level, short of personal identity with an inevitably weak core of self…. [Housewives] are in as much danger as the millions who walked to their own death in the concentration camps. [The] conditions which destroyed the human identity of so many prisoners were not the torture and brutality, but conditions similar to those which destroy the identity of the American housewife.” ~ Betty Friedan, The Feminine Mystique, 1963.

[Housewives] are dependent creatures who are still children…parasites.” ~ Gloria Steinem, “What It Would Be Like If Women Win,” Time, August 31, 1970

“Feminism was profoundly opposed to traditional conceptions of how families should be organized, [since] the very existence of full-time homemakers was incompatible with the women’s movement…. [I]f even 10 percent of American women remain full-time homemakers, this will reinforce traditional views of what women ought to do and encourage other women to become full-time homemakers at least while their children are very young…. If women disproportionately take time off from their careers to have children, or if they work less hard than men at their careers while their children are young, this will put them at a competitive disadvantage vis-a-vis men, particularly men whose wives do all the homemaking and child care…. This means that no matter how any individual feminist might feel about child care and housework, the movement as a whole had reasons to discourage full-time homemaking.” ~ Jane J. Mansbridge, Why We Lost the ERA, 1986.

“[The] housewife is a nobody, and [housework] is a dead-end job. It may actually have a deteriorating effect on her mind…rendering her incapable of prolonged concentration on any single task. [She] comes to seem dumb as well as dull. [B]eing a housewife makes women sick.” ~ Sociologist Jessie Bernard in The Future of Marriage, 1982.

There are more (and here. The first link does an excellent job of dissecting how feminism is not about choice).

Growing up, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom.  My mother was for several years and I wanted to give this to my kids as well.  I went to college because I was taught that I needed a degree to fall back on just in case my husband and I were to divorce. So, I did that and also came away with my MRS.  But, I always knew I wanted to stay home.  This desire has evolved as I’ve aged and it’s become a bit of a dream of mine to become that Matriarch one reads about.  The strong woman who helps to guide those around her, who loves tremendously but firmly, who isn’t afraid but is at the same time, soft.  Whose children go to her for comfort and wisdom and whose grandchildren run to her for hugs and cookies.  Now, I have a very long way to go in achieving this dream and it’s one I plan on spending a lifetime reaching for.

Do I work at this because I think it’s the hardest job in the world?  No, because it’s not.  Do I do it because I think there is some kind of glory in it?  No.  I do it because it’s mine.  I do it because it’s my dream and this is what I want. I want to give this to my kids, to my family, and to my husband.  I used to worry what other people thought about this at times (though I’ve been lucky in that no one has ever said anything to me), but no more.  This is my choice, my dream and I’m going to do it for me and mine.

**Does this mean I expect other woman to follow suit?  No.  My point here is that there are a lot of women who are afraid of this choice and who find themselves thinking there is something wrong with them for wanting it.  Being a wife and mother can be an incredibly noble pursuit if you work at it.  If it’s what you want, then make it yours.

Submissive Does Not Mean Less

A new commenter, Jean, has left a comment on my last post that would be better addressed here.  I’m going to break her comment down to better make my points but will be quoting it in it’s entirety.  Here is the original.

I know that many of you will attack me for my opinion, but this article, the video, and some of the comments here have really upset me. I didn’t realize that people actually devalued women and our purpose like that. This is unbelievable. I did not write to start an argument, so I will not reply back to anyone.

We don’t devalue women.  We believe that women’s value is much different from men’s, not less.  To be very clear right from the get go, your understanding of submission is wrong.  Submission does not equate to doormat.  It equates to second in command.  A Queen to his King or First Mate to his Captain. This is not the position of a doormat.

But here is what I needed to say:

Marriage is not just about submission. A video from a woman telling how she is submissive is so not necessary, unless there is also a video with a husband telling how he honors and sacrifices his life for his wife. This practice sets a dangerous precedent for young females to follow. These young females see older women as the wise females, ones who are supposed to make sense. But some of us don’t have much, and in fact, some of us are downright foolish. Women ought to know better than to allow themselves to focus on submisson only, unless they will also tell men what their roles are. Why would a woman make a video about submission? What is the purpose?

The whole of society tells men what is expected of them every single day.  To such an extent that society regularly thinks them fools with the smarmy and much smarter wife running the show.  It’s degrading and things like this are the norm.

As to women looking to wise older women, I truly hope you are correct.  Only, what most older women are telling their younger counterparts today is anything but wise.  It is not wise to tell women to put of marriage past their most fertile years (many, many women yearn for children only to find out they waited too long). It is not wise to tell women that sleeping with as many men as they wish is ok (most women are NOT happy doing this and many will privately admit so.  WE AREN”T MEN).  It is not ok to teach women that men value the same exact traits in women that we find attractive in men.  Men value pretty, kind, helpful and fun in the women they commit to though they will have sex with simply sexy.  Most are not too interested in committing to snarky, hard women.  Intelligence, while it has some value is not that important to men.  They would rather have a less intelligent woman who respects him than an intelligent woman who is full of disrespect and throws her education up like a wall.

You ask the purpose of making this video?  To help women to understand that what they think of as submission is not true. Many find that through submission their marriages are vastly happier and healthier.  They find that their men are happier and stronger and many discover their lost femininity and find real peace and joy.

When a man marries a woman who comes into their relationship having a successful career, her own residence, and her own money in the bank, then that woman is “allowing” him to lead, because before the marriage, she was an independent woman and was not looking for someone to “support her”, contrary to what men alwys say. She can really live without a man . . . Men are not doing women favors by marrying them. Men, you all have got to stop telling lies on women, that “we are looking for someone to support us”. This is soooo lame and sooo untrue. Men are not the only ones with jobs.

Of course women can live without a man and of course women have jobs. Everyone sees this everyday.  The question is, how do most women prefer to live?  Support is not merely monetary.  But even if we are talking simply money, most of the time if someone stays home, it is usually the wife (because she wants to) and he fully supports her and the kids.  If she does work, because of women’s work preferences, he will often make more than her and therefore make her quality of living much higher than it would have been should she have stayed single.

. . . Besides all that, women do not get much out of marriage, because we do all the work. The men get the sex they so desperately want, they get someone to dominate, someone to cook meals, someone to raise the couple’s children, someone to do all the laundry, and someone to do the housework. If women are to do all the submission stuff, yet all the physical work, then, what the heck is the purpose of a woman getting married? Women are better off, staying single.

If you think that sex, laundry, cooking, raising children, and housework is all there is to the work of marriage then you are sadly mistaken.  Do you think the responsibility of a leader is so easy?  That making the life changing decisions that will effect the most important people in one’s life are made on a whim?  That men are so callous as to just flippantly dominate without thought to those whom he loves more than himself?  No.  The laundry, the housework, the support, the cooking, raising the children, and the sex (you make it sound like a chore) are easy compared to the responsibility of a good leader.  They are easy compared to the daily grind most men contend with on a daily basis at their jobs, to their other responsibilities around the house (things do not get fixed around the house themselves). These days, given what marriage has become (which is nearly nothing as divorce is rampant and the man loses his children and half of everything) and what is expected of a husband with the lack of expectations in a wife, it is men who are arguably better off staying single.

What the woman is really looking for when she marries, is someone who can be a loving, respectful partner with her and appreciate her for all her qualities and all the things she will be able do with him in the marriage. Marriage is not about serving a man. He must be kind to her, and treat her like she matters, because she does. What wife wants to have sex with a cold, selfish, distant, unloving husband? His attitude and approach does matter. Women have to be a part of all decisions in the relationship, especially the ones that affect her. In fact, a husband cannot just make decisions and shove them in the wife’s face.Those decisions that profoundly affect her and her body and emotional comfort, must be discussed with her anyway. Stop treating women like doormats and sexual receptacles, because women are more than that.

I am trying to figure out why you assume that I think men should be “cold, selfish, distant, and unloving”?  This is not the definition of dominant.  You are conflating it with domineering.  I agree with you that women are looking for exactly what you say.  But respect is to be earned.  It is not given just because one is female.  It is up to women to find a man worth marrying.  To find a good man.  It is not up to men to become what women expect of them simply because women say they want that.  There are so many men out there today who would give women exactly what you are describing, only women aren’t attracted to them.  Because they give women exactly what they say they want.  They are nice and then they are ignored.  How many women do you know that lament that they are attracted to “bad boys”?  How many lament the fact that they have found a “good man” only to not be attracted to him at all?  Women are attracted to dominant men.  This is exactly why books like 50 Shades of Gray have sold millions of copies.

You say that the wife HAS to be a part of every decision, but I say that it is the man who chooses who he wishes to spend his life with.  If she insists she must be part of every decision, he might just decide to find someone else.  However, if she is respectful, if she is kind and doesn’t disrespect and nag, she may just find that her husband wants her to be a part of the major decisions of their life because she has shown the fortitude and intelligence to help.  Again, I am amazed that you would think that a man would just make a decision and throw it in his wife’s face and that you simply assume from a short post that I think women are doormats and sexual receptacles.  You have come in here with a lot of presumptions, which the majority are simply wrong.  If you had watched the video, you would have seen that Mrs. Bure stated the same exact thing.  You say women are more than that.  I say women must prove it, just like we expect men to prove themselves to us.

Stop telling wives that we have to lift up husbands up, unless you tell husbands to lift their wives up. Be fair and balanced.

Most husbands do lift up their wives, well above them and then their wives resent them for it.  A supplicating husband is one who is disrespected and unloved by his wife.  This is the majority of marriages today because of how many times men have been told since birth to lift up and respect their wives.  I say it’s time for women to learn to love and respect their men.  To learn how to lift them up and support them, till death do they part.

If you really are curious as to how I think a husband should treat marriage, I was asked about this before.  

For further refutation of other commonly held misconceptions of submission, please read this excellent article.

To commenters, Jean came here upset but remained quite civil, even though she was clearly upset.  I would ask the same of all of you.

Spot the Differences

One woman who wishes to marry someday, but not too soon and another young woman whom recently married and is utterly grateful for everything her husband has ever done for her (my sincere congratulations and very best wishes to you Allamagoosa and Night Sky Radio).

Contrived happiness vs. true peace and contentment. There is no comparison. Many women today will read Allamagoosa’s post and think she is meek, weak and losing herself. First, she very likely does not care what these women think. There’s no reason for her to. Second, her strength is astounding. Some women can’t see it, or they refuse to see it. But the strength to put someone else before you in life and the happiness it can bring is beyond my ability to describe. It’s time for women to wake up to this fact again.

On the surface, the first woman seems strong and daring to young ladies today. Seeking to fulfill your every want is not strength, it’s reckless. It might feel like freedom, until you are no longer able to find the things in life you wanted because of the past choices you have made. Might she marry? Sure, she might. But the chances of it being to a man whom she will adore are slim. The happiness she seeks will slip through her fingers because she puts her wants first (there are no needs in what she speaks of).  The anxiety that she speaks of, that something might be wrong with her, these feelings are often not a bad thing. Do not dismiss them out of hand because they are uncomfortable. Follow them to the end as they will help you to improve.

Happiness and peace are possible, but they won’t just come because you want them to. These require effort. They require gratitude, and they require not only the ability to see what a man has done, is doing and will do for you but what you have done, are doing and will do for him. If it’s not enough, it’s time to change.

**UPDATE:  I just read this from Elspeth.  Beautiful, poignant, and very relevant.

Love Him Like His Dog Does

A few years ago Laura Grace Robins wrote a great post called The Wife Whisperer (find her new blog, Unmasking Feminism here).  In it she describes how much of what Cesar Millan talks about in teaching a dog to be calm and submissive can also apply to teaching one’s wife and in becoming the pack leader.  In thinking about this post it occurred to me that we wives can learn a whole lot.

If you have ever watched a man and his dog, it is a sight to behold.  Any woman should count herself quite lucky to be loved in that way.  A man takes the time to teach his dog  precisely because he loves and respects the animal because a trained dog is a happy dog.  Once that dog is trained, she is not only happy, but feels loved and safe (Danny has a lot more on this in talking about Brody.  He had a similar post up at one point as Laura Grace Robins but I can’t find it now).

In thinking about Laura Grace Robin’s post I remember this song and thought that it makes an excellent point.  Men love their dogs enough and train them so they are happy in their new pack/family.  In return the man gets so much.

“Like My Dog”

He never tells me that he’s sick of this house
He never says why don’t you get off that couch?
He don’t cost me nothin’ when he wants to go out
I want you to love me like my dogHe never says I need a new attitude
Him and my sister ain’t always in a feud
When I leave the seat up he don’t think that it’s rude
I want you to love me like my dog does Baby!When I come home, want you to just go crazy
He never looks at me like he might hate me
I want you to love me like my dogHe never acts like he don’t care for my friends
He never asks me where in the hell have you been?
He don’t play dead when I wanna pet him
I want you to love me like my dog does honey!He never says ‘I wish you made more money’
He always thinks that pull my finger’s funny
I want you to love me like my dog

He don’t get mad at me and throw a major fit
When I say his sister is a bitch!

I want you to love me like my dog does baby
When I come home, want you to just go crazy
He never looks at me like he might hate me
I want you to love me like my dog!

I want you to love me like my dog does Baby!

I think that women can take a lot of advice from the lyrics of this song and from the way a man’s dog shows love and affection (not all ways, mind you.  I don’t think most men would enjoy being followed everywhere around the house all the time.  They may like it if you lie down at their feet, though!)

~ A wife should be content with things around the house.  Sure, some home improvement is great and can make a home more comfortable.  However, complaining about unnecessary things is tedious and annoying.

~ A wife should try her best not to complain about her husband at all, to his face or away from him.  When he’s sitting on the couch relaxing ask him if he needs anything and find the joy in serving him.

~ Realize that going out with your man is the fun part.  It’s the spending time together, not the cost or affluence of the event, that is important.

~ For goodness sake don’t nag.  Ever.  It doesn’t work, and if for some reason it ever does, you won’t respect him when he does what you nagged him into doing.

~ Greet him at the door when he gets home.  I never used to do this as it felt kind of awkward.  I’m not sure why it did, but since I have started doing it it has turned into such a great part of the day.  I have always looked forward to hearing him pull into the driveway.  Greeting him at the door makes it even more exciting to hear his car.  It’s wonderful for both of us.

~ Never look at your husband with a look of hatred or contempt.  There are very few people in this world who deserve that kind of look or that level of disrespect.  You should do your utmost to never even look at him in an annoyed manner.  Sure, it may happen and it may even be for a good reason.  That doesn’t mean he need ever see the look cross your face.

~ There is nothing wrong with your husband going out with his friends as most men just want to enjoy some time with other men.  Encourage this!  Have him invite his friends to the house and cook a spread for them all.  In the meantime, head out to a movie, to dinner with a girlfriend or anything else.  If that’s not in the cards, do your best to give him other opportunities with his friends.  Sometimes a man is going to release a lot more stress with a night out with his friends than he can in any other way.  This is a good thing.

~ When your husband “pets’ you, respond with alacrity!  You might not always be in the mood, but if you let yourself you soon will be.

~ “Major fits” are never necessary.  There are going to be problems and disagreements in any marriage.  It’s unavoidable.  You’re also going to get angry from time to time.  Getting angry never justifies a fit.  Stay calm and figure it out together.  If  you really don’t think you can, tell him that you are too angry to talk right now and need to discuss it later.  We all get irrational from time to time.  If you just let him know that your head is not in the right place at that moment, chances are quite good he will understand that and talk things through later.  During rather hormonal times I’ve told Maritus that my head’s in a bad place and I think I just need to be left alone.  He asks if I need anything or if there is anything he can do to help and then he completely leaves me alone until it passes.  When it’s over, it’s over.

~ Be respectful.  That’s what most of the song above boils down to.  A dog respects and loves his man.  It is not too much for a man to ask his wife do the same.

~ Submit.  A happy dog is a submissive dog.  Most submissive wive’s discover the same thing. 

~ Be loyal.  Dogs are incredibly loyal animals and a man knows that his dog will do almost anything it can for him.  I tend to think this is a huge reason men love dogs the way they do.  Please understand that this does not simply mean that a wife will not cheat.  It means that a wife has her husband’s back.  If a friend expects you to speak badly of your husband, you simply don’t.  If someone else speaks ill of your husband, you stand up for him.  You put your husband first, and if that means that you might lose some friends in the process, so be it.  This is the man you married for life, for better or for worse and if there are people in your life that have difficulty with that, you need to stand in his corner every time.  

Now, I know that some women take offense at being compared to a dog and apparently Laura Grace Robin’s took a lot of heat for her post.  If this post irritates you, stop and think for a moment of how noble a creature a dog can be.   Now be a noble wife.

What’s Your Story?

Tags

femininity, masculinity, submission

Photo discovered at Art of Manliness.

Submission.  This is probably one of the more feared and hated words in the female lexicon.  It brings up feelings of being weak, unintelligent, indecisive, oppressed, without value, and meek.    And yet, for those of us who have taken this course in our marriages, the word that I see most often is free.

So many women who have decided to tell their story feel a strong sense of freedom.  Why?  Because, at last, we are free to be feminine.  We are free to be women, not quasi men.  So I invite my commenters and readers to tell their story.  If you’ve decided to be submissive, what has it done for your life and for your marriage?  How has it affected your husband?

I would also invite the men to tell their story.  No, it wouldn’t be the same as the roads are different.  But if you started out on the route society meant for you then you were taught to be quasi female.  On your journey back to manhood, what has it done for your life and your marriage?  How has it affected your wife?

My story isn’t much different than most women.  I tried to follow the path society wanted me to follow.  I was discontent.  I was flustered and often an emotional mess.  I would try to lead as I thought I was supposed to, only to be be shut down (thankfully).  While this made me very happy with my husband, I was in turmoil in my head.  I could never let myself settle in because what I was taught and what I wanted were in opposition. Finally, one day, I realized that this was mostly because, more than anything else, I discovered what I wanted was to be right.  I loved my husband, but I was more concerned with this idea of winning.  It was then that I learned to finally, just let go.  I don’t need to win nor do I want to, because that is only about me.  I am a married woman and since I said my vows, my life should have no longer been about me.  It’s about us.  My question now isn’t, how do I win this argument, but how can I love him?

Thank you bloggers of the sphere.  You have taught me invaluable lessons, for which I will be eternally grateful.

*** If you’ve never commented, please don’t be shy.  I would love to hear from you.

Meek is a Four Letter Word

Tags

Father Robert Barron, meek, strength, submissive

I was called meek recently.  I was . . . surprised.  This person wasn’t denigrating me, merely making a point.  But, for just a moment, I was offended.  Look at the way I even phrase it, I was called meek.  As if I were called some silly childhood name meant to hurt my feelings.  Later on, when I had time, I started to think about this word and what it means.

Meek: quiet, gentle, and easily imposed on; submissive: I used to call her Miss Mouse because she was so meek and mild.

Today, this definition immediately calls to mind a timid girl standing shyly in the corner afraid to make a peep.  It brings to mind an image of fear.  Easily imposed on, referring to someone who can be forced without difficulty.  But . . . quiet, gentle and submissive.   These are not bad things.  Being quiet and gentle are things that I actually greatly struggle to be in my life and more often than not, fail in my attempts to accomplish. So, I ask, why is it such a dirty word to be called submissive or meek?

Gabrielle Reece is finding out first hand how people view the word submissive this week. She’s written a book about her marriage.  The comments in these articles (the few I read) are very interesting.  People are aghast that she would let her husband walk all over her (she’s a doormat!!), they are lauding her courage, they are saying how weak she is while saying in using different words that they are in a very similar marriage.  In short, opinions are all over the place.  The word submission is a dirty word and it elicits a fear in people of becoming a doormat and of giving up control (in their marriages, in their lives and in our society).

Meek, submissive.  Do they make one weak?  Do they make one unable to make decisions or to be unable to function without leadership?  Do they make one a slave to another’s whim?  Or . . . is being meek and submissive actually a strength?  As women, we’ve been taught to speak our minds, to not let others speak for us or to not back down from opposition.  We’ve been taught to always speak up when something is bothering us.  Don’t bottle it up!  You must let it out and let your feelings be known!  DO NOT LET OTHERS WALK ALL OVER YOU, especially your husband!  Okay.  No, we do not want to let others control our lives.  But that is not what being meek and submissive in a marriage is all about.

Being meek in one’s life is not about weakness.  It’s about giving up what we are sold today as strength.  It means we cannot just yell or screech out our feelings because someone dared to hurt them.  It means having the self control to realize that your marriage, your husband and your family is worth more to you than the canard feminism has sold and continues to try to sell us.  It means standing strong with your husband and not with that which others would have us believe is power.   It means having the wherewithal and strength to resist our urge to nag, create drama, be disrespectful, and rail against our husbands. It means we enter into our marriages with the gentleness, the quietness and the submissiveness that will help make our marriages strong.  It doesn’t mean we will be imposed upon, rather it means that we will not need to be imposed upon, because we are willing.  Railing and emoting and being stubborn are easy compared to this.  It takes strength and self will to be meek in one’s marriage. It takes strength to accept our husbands authority.  To respect the fact that he has the last word even when we don’t like it.  It takes strength to stand up to those who would call us weak and follow our husband rather than society.

The concept of meek is a very difficult one.  I have wanted to write this post for weeks and am still not sure I have it right.  I turned once again to Father Robert Barron.  I urge you to listen to this sermon of his.  The part regarding meekness begins at 4:55 and while he is talking about being meek in general I think it applies very well to marriage today.  When you have the time, listen to the whole thing.  It it incredibly relevant to what we talk about in these parts of the internet.  Apply it to your marriage and your life.  Happiness, real happiness, is not about power.  It’s not about the perception of others.  We need to let that go and embrace our marriages.  Therein lies happiness.

It’s Time to Let go

Tags

control

Control.  In one shape or another, we crave it.  If any of the balls we have flying up in the air were to drop, then the anxiety that would create is difficult to even contemplate.   A large part of the reason we feel this way is that we will not allow, and often do not trust, the other people in our lives to help us out (or to even trust them with their own tasks).  We feel we must be independent to somehow prove ourselves.  We wish show to the world that we are capable and even great(er).

This is a problem when one is married.  A very big problem.  The very act of marriage negates the independence that so many women claim they wish to portray.  Marriage has nothing to do with independence and the word should not even be contemplated after the vows are said.  You are there for your husband and he is there for you.  Once you’re married, it is time to let go.

Now, I am obviously not talking about women having no responsibilities or tasks to seriously take on within a marriage.  If you’ve read much of this blog then you know that is not what I encourage.  What I am talking about is the fact that not everything is your responsibility any more.  You have a man there that you have chosen to spend your life with and who will now be taking a large chunk of responsibility for your life and for your marriage, as you should also be doing for him.  It is time to step back and trust him to do just that.  So many women these days seem to have an incredibly difficult time of just letting go.  Realizing that those tasks, those aspects of your marriage or your life together, are things that you just need not worry about.  Micromanaging it is rude and disrespectful to your husband and for his sake it needs to end.  For your sake, as well.

I have often heard women say that things about their marriages bother them.  Things that their husband does or does not do.  Or, very often, does not complete it as she wishes it to be done.  I’m not always convinced that she is angry or unhappy because it’s not completed as she wished.  This unhappiness comes because she will not let go.  She will not stop and simply trust that her husband is more than capable of handling the task in his own way.  Your way is not necessarily right and his is not necessarily wrong (and at no time does it ever matter how the Jone’s do it).

Ladies, it’s time to let go.  That ledge that you are reaching for, that place of peace that you are seeking by attempting to assert your control, that place is your husband.  He is your rock, your hard place to hold onto.  Trust him and just let go.  You may feel as if you’re falling, but you’re not.   You need to learn that he has got this.  It might not be your way, but it’s going to get done and most of the time it will be done well*, if not simply differently.  Ask the question that needs to be asked, “Did the kids get lunch yet?”,  “Why have we been invoiced already?”, but then accept his answer.  Simply let it go and trust him.  As I said, for a time, you will feel as if you’re falling, but then when the balls you used to try and take for yourselves are firmly someplace else a peace will come over you as your Rock is holding steady.

Let him be your place of peace.

* If it is something new to him, there will be a learning curve just like there was when you first began said task.  Leave him be about it.  If he asks for pointers, give them to him respectfully.

** Comic from vimrod.com