A Woman in Love

Tags

confidence, femininity, love, respect, submission

I have been wanting to write a post for some time now on submission.  On how far too many people today view submission as letting the man have his way in everything, that if one is submissive it automatically means the woman is a doormat.  It’s not all that easy to write and given that since well before Christmas at least one person has been sick in our house (give or take a few days) continuously, I haven’t been able to put it together as I had hoped.  Then, a few days ago, commenter Kate asked:

This reminds me of something the Baroness said to Maria in the Sound of Music. (Excuse the cheesy reference.) She said something along the lines of “There is nothing so irresistable to a man as a woman in love with him.”

I’m inclined to believe this is true from my experiences as well as those of other women I know, but HOW does one show this without coming off as a doormat with a man who has options? Any advice?

Given the views of many people today, it’s an understandable question.  Shortly after I read this question I came across this piece from Matt Forney (I can’t remember where I found the link, though.  Heads up, too, as Matt is not shy about his language or content, but he’s good).  I think this post answer’s Kate’s question very well.  There are two key words in it: femininity and confidence.

Michelle Jenneke oozes with [femininity]. Her youthful beauty, her exuberance, her aura: these aren’t things that can be faked. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have honed men’s tastes for sweet, submissive, complimentary women. As much as feminists  . . . . wail about “social conditioning,” when it comes down to brass tacks, all men want the same thing.

Not only that, Michelle Jenneke has something else that few American/Western women possess: confidence.

Read the rest of his piece as he goes on to explain that so many women mistake their shields as confidence.  Only those shields actually betray their insecurities.  A woman with real confidence has no reason for these shields and Michelle Jenneke oozes this in spades.

So, back to Kate’s question . . . How does a woman show love without coming across as a doormat?  The first thing I think women in this position need to realize is that showing this love might very well come across to other women (and some men) as being a doormat.  It does not matter what they think.  Have the confidence and the fortitude to show this love anyway.  You may get some very unexpected comments.  Some good and some bad.  They don’t matter.  What does matter is your man’s perception and what is important to him.

Now, in my experience, men do not care for doormats, either.  At least not in the dominate men we are attracted to.  (remember dominance and domineering are different as a domineering man may very well seek out a true doormat).  This is where confidence is really key.  The difference between a confident, feminine woman is that she wants to care for her man.  She wants to love him, be with him, serve him, cook for him, be pretty, et cetera.  It is not something he makes her do or that she does for the sole purpose of hanging on to him.  It is her choice and something she relishes and has fun doing.  She strives to be good at it, not only for him, but for her.   She is also very confident in her very femininity regardless of what others may think. She likes to dress in nice clothes, wear her hair long, wear makeup.  She knows there is a line outside the home between pretty/beautiful and way too much skin.  She also knows that inside the home, that line is very different.

There is another big key to all of this and that is respect.  Commenter Phedre stated it thus:

1- always keeping her respect for her man foremost in her heart, so all of her actions for him and around him stem from that feeling. Respect/appreciation are a crucial aspect of how men understand love. It’s foreign to women’s nature though, so we have to keep consciously put it to the forefront and work actively to keep it there. All the actions that flow out of that feeling will show him that she loves him the way he wants to be loved.

2- It’s in the eyes. This is secondary to the first point, because no matter how much love is in her gaze, if her actions don’t support it he will ultimately feel unloved. But when the behaviour is right, letting your love overflow into your gaze as you look at him can be a very powerful thing. They’re flashes that show him the full depth of your feeling.

A women in submission to a man she loves will almost automatically convey respect in most everything she does.  I don’t think a woman really can respect a man without being submissive to him.  I also don’t think a woman can respect a man and be a doormat at the same time.  A doormat, a woman who does as she is told out of fear, does not have respect for a man.  She can’t as her fear stands in the way.  Both the man and the woman may mistake her fear for respect but they are two very different things.

What I have found is, through this confidence and love stems something that many women strive for from the men in their lives but can never quite reach. Respect returned.  But far better than that respect is a man who is in love . . . with you.

***Now, I realize I didn’t answer all of Kate’s question, namely the how.  That is the truly hard part.  Each person needs to find for themselves their own confidence.  The particulars of love and respect are going to stem from this confidence and the particulars of each couple.  I welcome ideas on where to start in the comments.

Dominance vs Domineering

Tags

arrogance, confidence, dominance, domineering

Commenter Wudang asked me to explain the following:

What do we really mean by alpha and social dominance and the man in the relationship being dominant and why is that not oppressive.

Matt King (King A) followed up with a link to Roissy’s post called Arrogance Vs. Confidence.  I think this post is spot on.  First, I would like to go through some of Roissy’s points:

Arrogant man – Gets defensive when challenged.

Confident man – Has nothing to prove.

Most have us have seen the arrogant man do this at some point.  He’s ready to fight, often at the drop of a hat, to defend his manhood.  The confident man, on the other hand, doesn’t feel the need.  He knows, without question, who is the man and feels no need to take it further.  I’ve seen this presented with humor, with aloofness, and with simple straight, no backing down, eye contact.  Now, some will say that not defending oneself might be seen as beta, but there is a vast difference.  A beta will tend to drop his eyes, give a slight slump of his shoulders or even raise his hands in a defensive position.  The confident man will do none of these things.  He will however, if the situation warrants, make it very clear through his eye contact and body language that he will, indeed, throw down should the need arise.  The arrogant man will often simple start throwing fists,  lamely walk away trying to maintain frame, or will lose himself altogether.  I am very keenly reminded of this.

Arrogant man – Childish.

Confident man – Child-like.

The arrogant man tends to come across as childish when things don’t go his way.  He sort of stamps his feet and walks off sulking.  The confident man simply fixes the situation.  His child-like ways often will come out around those he loves, when teasing and playing around with his wife and in playing with his kids.  Confident men aren’t afraid to play with kids like they are kids and have a wonderful time doing it.  The mirth one sees in their eyes is genuine and infective.

Arrogant man – Aggressive.

Confident man – Resolute.

This goes back to the getting defensive when challenged and the having nothing to prove concepts.  An aggressive man often goes into a situation looking for a fight.  He might be intimidating to a lot of people, but there is a certain weakness about him that is often perceived, but almost difficult to put ones finger on.  With the resolute man, there is none of this.  He will calmly stand his ground, will defend himself as necessary (often brutally, as it will end it quickly) but will only do so if necessary.  I am reminded of this. (Eh, this might not be the best example, but I love this scene.  Warning – language).

Arrogant man – Threatens.

Confident man – Messes with their minds (not a direct quote, modified for language)

This one is interesting to observe.  The arrogant man is quite obvious.  He hears something he doesn’t like and he will get loud and make various threats.  He is standing up for himself, but it is almost too much.  He is losing his frame in his anger and it diminishes him.  The confident man will play with someone’s head.  Often, the person on the receiving end won’t quite know for certain what happened and if it was derogatory, funny, witty, etc.  It is a very good example of the male hamster spin.  This is when you can almost see the person being messed with almost turn his head to the side in wondering what just happened?  Did he miss something? (I know there have got to be a thousand examples of this on youtube and I am drawing a complete blank.)

On to one of the biggest differences:

Arrogant man – Domineering.

Confident man – Dominant.

The definition of domineering is: Assert one’s will over another in an arrogant way (google search) or inclined to exercise arbitrary and overbearing control over others (Merriam-Webster).  A domineering man will often use some kind of threat to assert his will.  He usually has no other way to enforce it.  Therefore, people do what he wants to avoid some kind of a bad outcome.  A dominant man most often inspires people to do what he asks.  They want to do it to please him.  He is well liked, yet often has very high standards.  He will not respect anyone and everyone.  People must earn his respect and they strive to do so.  People around men like this will often go above and beyond for them and they will be respected for it.  This will drive them to continue to work in this fashion.  As an example of this dynamic, I am reminded of Mel Gibson’s character in We Were Soldiers (though it’s been too long since I have seen it to pick a specific scene).

The terms dominant and domineering have been hijacked in recent years in an attempt to bolster women and put men in their perceived place.  Feminists referred to the patriarchy as domineering in their attempts to end it.  But, while there were certainly some domineering men, most men were simply dominant.  They had a family and a home to care for and they did it.  These men knew that in order to care for the family, tough decisions must be made and they were often at the expense of what their women said they wanted.  Here’s the thing, though.  Their women respected them.  They may have been hurt they didn’t get their way, but the decision was made and it was what was best.  She may not have overtly understood (though, I think far more women did understand this then) that the decision made was best for all the family members, including her, she knew on some level that things were good, safe, and secure.  She could depend fully on this dominant man, and she loved and respected that (Need I say that, obviously, not all marriages were like this and that there were domineering men?  They were still fractionally small compared to the dominant man.)

Unfortunately, many women and men now conflate domineering and dominant and cannot (will not?) see the difference.  They fear dominant men because they do not understand them.  I also sometimes wonder if some people have never really met a good, dominant man.  Some people cannot tell the difference, especially if they have not been able to garner his respect.  They will still deride him as domineering, very possibly because of this lack of respect.  It may be easier to deride than accept their shortcomings in his eyes.

Side Note: Many women are not able to perceive the difference in domineering and dominant, especially in practice. I think of so many female bosses who, in an attempt at strength in the workplace, become domineering toward their employees.  However, they can perceive it on some level as it will be the higher up male bosses, who are often dominant, whom they will often seek company.