Stop Being So Afraid

Tags

fear, femininity, masculinity

Yup. From Fight Club. All the women and fear images were about weak men fearing strong women. This one made the most sense.

In our misunderstandings of what it is to be Man, we’ve come to fear masculinity.  We see it as brutish and severe and something to be contained.  Only, it’s not on us to contain.  It’s not on us to decide, from our feminine minds, what masculinity is.  And because we’ve done that for the past several decades, we now have an underlying fear of men.  In some cases, this fear is healthy.  Only, we’ve carried it so far as to have some fear of our husbands as well.

We fear their decisions that would be different than our own.  We fear what they might do to our bodies should we give them freely.  We fear their confidence, their expectations of us, we even fear their respect because we don’t truly understand it.  We even sometimes fear their word.  It’s time to stop this.  These men are the ones who have vowed to love and cherish us, forsaking all others, for the rest of their lives.  They deserve our trust and our understanding.  Not only our understanding of them personally, but our understanding of what it is to be a Man.

Some will say, why should we do this? Why shouldn’t they be more like women and understand us?  We’ve tried that now.  We’ve tried it for at least 4 decades and it isn’t working.  Women are reportedly more unhappy than ever before and men are (understandably) fleeing from ever getting married.  When we strive to understand masculinity and our men (as much as we can.  There are things that will always be beyond us), our families, our children and we as women tend to be happier.  When there are times of needing feminine perspective, it is time to go to other women.  To go to them to learn what is going on.

What exactly are we afraid of?  Our friends not understanding why we don’t talk badly about our husbands?  Why we choose to care for them?  Being vulnerable to the man we vowed to spend our lives with?  I understand that there are a few occasions of men taking advantage of this vulnerability, but how often does this really happen, and do we truly fear this from a man that many women have spent years and years with, with no sign of any trouble?

One of the things I was trying to get at in my last post (and I’m not sure I did), is that there will be times when we stand back that our husbands might get stern, or unequivocally make his expectations known, or do something else that might frustrate or anger us or cause fear.  It might take us by surprise, but in these instances, is it really out of his character?  Or is it the way he treats those he keeps close to him because he respects them?  Leaders have expectations of those who follow them and sometimes, especially if those expectations aren’t met, he may get stern, to man or woman.  This actually is a sign of respect, from a man.  It means he knows you are capable.  If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be there.  Respect to a man does not mean, he won’t hurt my feelings.

Do not fear masculinity in your husbands, sons, brothers, fathers and other trusted men.  It is this that draws us to them and we should not try to hinder that drive and we should certainly trust them enough to not fear them.

** Yes, there are those who have broken that trust.  I understand that.  The question is, why and is he working to rebuild that again?

The Advantage of Youth

Tags

femininity, hypergamy, masculinity, youth

Rollo had an interesting piece up this week entitled The Curse of Potential in which he discusses how many men today are not meeting their full potential due to the fact that they are trying to walk the line of security vs. increased status with the women in their lives.

In it, Jeremy states:

My only problem with this perspective is its applicability to a more traditional scenario where women actually do capitalize on their youth and beauty by marrying very young, to younger men. In such a scenario, the women are gambling to a much greater degree, marrying men decades before they’ve had time to build up to their potential.

If, hypothetically, the vast majority of women in America started locking in good mates in their very early 20s, would hypergamy simply flare up less and allow the men to reach greater potential? Is there a natural suppression to hypergamy when women marry younger? . . . .

I tend to think there’s actually an (as-yet unquantified in the red-pill universe) affect on women when they marry younger. I think that without years of fending for themselves and being lonely they see less benefit in jumping ship for the perceived mega yacht nearby. Their self-defense mechanism remains unused and hence they see the man they are committed to as more valuable. I would term this something like husband-goggles, but that sounds kind of silly.

To which I responded that what he is talking about is hypergamy satisfied.  He then asks:

By what mechanism is hypergamy satisfied through a woman marrying while young (and valuable) to a younger (likely lower-value) man? I can’t see it.

I do think Jeremy is onto something when he asks if there is more of a natural suppression of hypergamy when women marry younger.  Younger women are simply not going to be as experienced in the world and are going to retain more of their natural vulnerability.  They will have more of the wide eyed wonder and innocence and as they become more experienced with the world (and with men) they begin to lose this.

Matt Forney had a very good article recently, The Case Against Female Self Esteem, that delved more deeply into this.

In order to love someone else, you need to be emotionally vulnerable, more so women than men (as girls are attracted to confident men). You need to be willing to open yourself up, to give yourself over to their judgment, to risk being hurt and rejected. Without this emotional openness, any relationship you have will never go beyond the infatuation stage. But girls today are told to erect gigantic walls around their hearts, cutting them off from an crucial part of their humanity.

I believe that the younger the woman, the more she will be able to be emotionally vulnerable.  She will not yet have had too much time to build the wall up around her heart (though it seems that this wall is being built at an ever younger age).  Because of this vulnerability and the potential for greater innocence, a masculine man with potential will be more likely to keep her that way.  Without having built up this wall, the less likely she will need a man who has already realized his full potential because he will better be able to dominate and lead her without having yet reached his full status.  His not yet full fledged masculinity will still be strong enough to hold her gaze to him as he works to meet his own potential with her help.  In essence, while not fully realized, his masculinity and dominance will  be enough to satiate her hypergamy because she doesn’t have the experience or the hardness that comes with knowing more and more masculine men.  This masculinity in all it’s potential will keep her enticed and wanting more, from him.

Unfortunately, today with easy divorce and women being encouraged to always be happy, what could have been a wonderful marriage is so easily dropped for the imaginary greener grass.  Not only does this make hypergamy much harder to satiate, it has taught women to wait and lose a big part of themselves that will make seeing the potential of a man far more difficult, if not impossible.

There is something else going on here as well, that the traditional young woman did not have going against her that Matt gets further into.  Women have given up their natural femaleness for masculine self esteem and confidence.

[Women are] encouraged to derive self-worth not from their inherent feminine nature but from their college degree, their job or the other illusory trappings of achievement in a man’s world.

This male confidence not only aids in building up the wall around her heart, it requires a more dominate man to break these walls down.  It would take a man with far more maximized potential to have any way of breaking through the masculinity she has created in herself to bring her back to the feminine in which she must be for her hypergamy to be satisfied.  Hence so many women wanting the man who just gets it.  These few men are the ones lined up for as they are the only ones who are able to be dominate enough to break through.  However, these men are not interested in versions of themselves.  They are interested in young women willing to have the confidence to be feminine, who are willing to be vulnerable and admit they not only want a man, but need a man.

One of the most commonly repeated tropes of feminists and manboobs goes something like this:

You should be happy that women nowadays are independent, because it means that they’re with you because they WANT to be with you, not because they’re dependent on you.”

This is a fundamental violation of the relationship between men and women. Part of our identity as men based in women needing us, if not necessarily in a material sense, then in an emotional one, though material and emotional vulnerability often go hand in hand. That female insecurity is a crucial ingredient for unlocking our inner masculine instincts. If a girl needs me, feels that her life would end if she were to lose me, I’m doubly inspired to be there for her, to shield her from the cruelty of the world. Frankly, it’s pretty hot. If she just wants me, could take me or leave me, my gut response is one of apathy. “Yeah, whatever babe.”

It is that female insecurity that younger women have greater potential of possessing that will bind her to a man who is not yet realized but has the great potential to do so.  As this insecurity diminishes through experience and through seeking out male confidence for herself, hypergamy is going to be ever more difficult to satiate and it will take the most dominant of men to break through and while these men will be willing to add to her life experiences for one evening, they will be falling in love with the feminine girl who in unafraid of being vulnerable:

I was thinking about a couple of my past relationships when I had this epiphany; the girls I’ve loved the most were the ones who were the most insecure, the most emotionally vulnerable.

Expect Femininity

Tags

femininity

In my Introducing Girls Being Girls post I made the drive by comment that “Women tend to be more feminine around men.”***  Seriouslypleasedropit has asked me expand upon this point.  The basic explanation to this is the fact that women actually do care, very much, what men think of them.

Professor Ashur writes:

It helps confirm my belief that most women care deeply about how males regard them (even beta males), and that the exercise of male judgment is an unseen and very powerful social tool that beta males have allowed to atrophy, out of a misplaced sense of chivalry. Just as mankind has always sought approval from its gods, women seek the approval of men.

This is very much true and it is often what we see in orbiters and men put in the friend-zone.  A woman might not be attracted to these men, but their opinions of her very much matter.  Think of all the stories we hear of the men who got sick of the friend-zone and simply walked away.  So very often the woman will come seek him out.  She will change her actions ever so slightly to lure him back to her.  The more he resists, the more she will attempt to give him what he wants from her.

Dalrock has also written about this seemingly little known fact (read his post in it’s entirety.  It’s excellent):

 . . . men have no idea how much their judgment of women impacts them.  Women fear judgment from other women, especially those higher than them in the social hierarchy.  However, even more than this they fear judgment from men.  They don’t just fear judgment from men in the top of the male hierarchy, they fear judgment from any man who has the basic respect of other men (which is most men).  Even women at the top of the female hierarchy fear the judgment of ordinary (respected by other men) men.

This is a form of power almost all men have but fail to exercise for a number of reasons, but of critical importance is the fact that most have no idea the power even exists.  Feminists however do understand this, which is why they spend so much of their energy working to ensure that neither men nor women feel comfortable judging bad behavior from women.  They have been wildly successful here, but they will always be extremely vulnerable to men figuring this out.

The reason that women tend to be more feminine around men (at least in those men who highly value it) is that what you all think of us is extremely important to us.  We know the men here highly value femininity and your presence keeps that in check.  With no men around, it is very easy to get comfortable and simply begin to lag, to get lazy and to just let things slide.  This is decidedly unfeminine.  With the men around who value this and whom we know value it, we will work very hard to not let it slide, to stay humble and feminine and to stay true because we very highly value your opinion of us.

Sunshine Mary has an intriguing post up today that touches on some of these thoughts.    She wishes to discuss the assertion that:

Men improving themselves as a group will actually cause women to become even lower quality, as women will have their pick of attractive alpha types without having to do much to attract them, so this would actively harm men.  Therefore men as a group should discourage one another from improving themselves in ways that women find attractive.

If we are simply talking about attraction and short term flings, then I believe this has some merit to it. However, in talking about relationships and commitment I think this is definitely not the case.  As has been said many times, women are the gatekeepers to sex and men are the gatekeepers to commitment.  If and when men as a group begin to improve themselves if all they are seeking is an attractive woman for sex, then I think this will be true.  A woman’s looks is what she will seek to change and we see this rampantly today in the way women dress, wear make up and carry themselves in an attention grabbing and promiscuous way.

When an attractive man begins his search for commitment, however, this picture will change dramatically.  When these men begin their search for the feminine woman who is more humble, who strives to be pretty rather than sexy, who seeks a man to take care of, who is not crass, brash and sassy but rather radiant, happy and fun other women will take notice.  The more men who begin to overtly search for these women and make their opinions known of what they are looking for, the more the women watching this will seek this change for themselves, because even though they recoil at the thought of it, women very much do care what men think of them.   If and when feminist begin to fail in their quest to quell the thoughts, opinions and words of men, this will become far more apparent.  As women begin to see the lies they have been told and overtly realize that the men around them are very important to them, we will see a greater return to femininity.  Men want it and when they make this known, women will follow.

**It should be noted that this can backfire as well.  If a woman gets male attention from being masculine (which many do) they will act more masculine as well.  This is a big reason many act in a far more masculine manner today.

What’s Your Story?

Tags

femininity, masculinity, submission

Photo discovered at Art of Manliness.

Submission.  This is probably one of the more feared and hated words in the female lexicon.  It brings up feelings of being weak, unintelligent, indecisive, oppressed, without value, and meek.    And yet, for those of us who have taken this course in our marriages, the word that I see most often is free.

So many women who have decided to tell their story feel a strong sense of freedom.  Why?  Because, at last, we are free to be feminine.  We are free to be women, not quasi men.  So I invite my commenters and readers to tell their story.  If you’ve decided to be submissive, what has it done for your life and for your marriage?  How has it affected your husband?

I would also invite the men to tell their story.  No, it wouldn’t be the same as the roads are different.  But if you started out on the route society meant for you then you were taught to be quasi female.  On your journey back to manhood, what has it done for your life and your marriage?  How has it affected your wife?

My story isn’t much different than most women.  I tried to follow the path society wanted me to follow.  I was discontent.  I was flustered and often an emotional mess.  I would try to lead as I thought I was supposed to, only to be be shut down (thankfully).  While this made me very happy with my husband, I was in turmoil in my head.  I could never let myself settle in because what I was taught and what I wanted were in opposition. Finally, one day, I realized that this was mostly because, more than anything else, I discovered what I wanted was to be right.  I loved my husband, but I was more concerned with this idea of winning.  It was then that I learned to finally, just let go.  I don’t need to win nor do I want to, because that is only about me.  I am a married woman and since I said my vows, my life should have no longer been about me.  It’s about us.  My question now isn’t, how do I win this argument, but how can I love him?

Thank you bloggers of the sphere.  You have taught me invaluable lessons, for which I will be eternally grateful.

*** If you’ve never commented, please don’t be shy.  I would love to hear from you.

Red Pill Women

Tags

difference, femininity, masculinity, Red Pill

One of things I have really enjoyed and admired about reading the different blogs is watching people learn and grow or reading their stories about how much learning these truths has changed their lives. This is a process that usually takes some time and always a lot of deep introspection.  This is required regardless of one’s sex.  As Keoni Galt noted in his post Gaming the Curst of Eve there has been a marked increase in the number of red pill women’s blogs (which was predicted by Rollo Tomassi quite some time ago).

This term, red pill women, seems to have sparked some anger in a small, yet vocal, part of the commenters.  Now, I understand the process that one goes through in learning about the red pill and I have little problem with it. Anger is part of it.  Most move on in this process and some just don’t.  Some complete it and can only see the ugly lies.  This is to be expected.

Having said that, there is something that needs to be understood.  We are red pill women, in all of our hypergamous, solipsistic, hamster spinning femaleness.  We aren’t men.  The red pill that we swallow is the same color but it is a different flavor (it’s still bitter, but different just the same).  While the base ingredients are the same the starting place and the effects are quite different.  Most women start out as some varying degree of feminist.  We fitness test, we push against our husbands leadership or usurp it altogether. We nag, expect fried ice and are unhappy when our husbands try to give it.  If our husbands know better, we are utterly confused at why things are happening the way they are.  We say we want the pedestal only to utterly hate it when placed there.  The list goes on and on.  It what we were taught.  Our bitter pill throws back in our faces how completely unreasonable, rude, irrational and sometimes how downright stupid we were behaving.  For some, it is entirely too late to change anything.  Many will never accept.  Some of us were lucky enough to find the pill and do something about all of this.  Are we perfect now?  No, but we try and we will continue to do so.

The “red-pill” woman takes frequent moments to step back and observe all that her husband does for her and their family, and she appreciates it and expresses it to him with her words and her actions. But even the best of them will admit that doing so is a constant struggle to avoid taking their husbands for granted.

It is a constant struggle.  We have to make it part of who we are much like the blue pill man must “fake it till he makes it”.  Even when it becomes part of who we are, we will still fail from time to time.  We will still take our men for granted without vigilance.

From Keoni’s piece:

Now I know better. I know where this complaint is coming from, and I know what it will lead up to if I don’t do something about it. Aside from my greater understanding of the underlying dynamics, I’ve found I actually have a true passion for cooking. I don’t need her appreciation or approval to keep practicing the culinary arts…though I do have to say, she still does express appreciation from time to time. But most of the time, my cooking skills and service are largely taken for granted now.

It is what it is….for the curse of Eve is also expressed in the old maxim: “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

This is our pill.  It is not a male one and was never meant to be.  We will never inherently understand involuntary celibacy, the desire to pedestalize, or learning how to take back one’s masculinity and learning to lead again.  We can’t understand that first brush with true confidence and how the women around you and your wife will respond to that.  What we do understand is those women’s response and exactly how that feels. And we know that we like it.

The red pill for women and the red pill for men, just as with everything else masculine and feminine, are very different medicines.  Therefore, it’s effect is also very different.  This difference, women learning to becomes feminine and men learning to become masculine, is what will attract us and bring us together again.

A Woman in Love

Tags

confidence, femininity, love, respect, submission

I have been wanting to write a post for some time now on submission.  On how far too many people today view submission as letting the man have his way in everything, that if one is submissive it automatically means the woman is a doormat.  It’s not all that easy to write and given that since well before Christmas at least one person has been sick in our house (give or take a few days) continuously, I haven’t been able to put it together as I had hoped.  Then, a few days ago, commenter Kate asked:

This reminds me of something the Baroness said to Maria in the Sound of Music. (Excuse the cheesy reference.) She said something along the lines of “There is nothing so irresistable to a man as a woman in love with him.”

I’m inclined to believe this is true from my experiences as well as those of other women I know, but HOW does one show this without coming off as a doormat with a man who has options? Any advice?

Given the views of many people today, it’s an understandable question.  Shortly after I read this question I came across this piece from Matt Forney (I can’t remember where I found the link, though.  Heads up, too, as Matt is not shy about his language or content, but he’s good).  I think this post answer’s Kate’s question very well.  There are two key words in it: femininity and confidence.

Michelle Jenneke oozes with [femininity]. Her youthful beauty, her exuberance, her aura: these aren’t things that can be faked. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have honed men’s tastes for sweet, submissive, complimentary women. As much as feminists  . . . . wail about “social conditioning,” when it comes down to brass tacks, all men want the same thing.

Not only that, Michelle Jenneke has something else that few American/Western women possess: confidence.

Read the rest of his piece as he goes on to explain that so many women mistake their shields as confidence.  Only those shields actually betray their insecurities.  A woman with real confidence has no reason for these shields and Michelle Jenneke oozes this in spades.

So, back to Kate’s question . . . How does a woman show love without coming across as a doormat?  The first thing I think women in this position need to realize is that showing this love might very well come across to other women (and some men) as being a doormat.  It does not matter what they think.  Have the confidence and the fortitude to show this love anyway.  You may get some very unexpected comments.  Some good and some bad.  They don’t matter.  What does matter is your man’s perception and what is important to him.

Now, in my experience, men do not care for doormats, either.  At least not in the dominate men we are attracted to.  (remember dominance and domineering are different as a domineering man may very well seek out a true doormat).  This is where confidence is really key.  The difference between a confident, feminine woman is that she wants to care for her man.  She wants to love him, be with him, serve him, cook for him, be pretty, et cetera.  It is not something he makes her do or that she does for the sole purpose of hanging on to him.  It is her choice and something she relishes and has fun doing.  She strives to be good at it, not only for him, but for her.   She is also very confident in her very femininity regardless of what others may think. She likes to dress in nice clothes, wear her hair long, wear makeup.  She knows there is a line outside the home between pretty/beautiful and way too much skin.  She also knows that inside the home, that line is very different.

There is another big key to all of this and that is respect.  Commenter Phedre stated it thus:

1- always keeping her respect for her man foremost in her heart, so all of her actions for him and around him stem from that feeling. Respect/appreciation are a crucial aspect of how men understand love. It’s foreign to women’s nature though, so we have to keep consciously put it to the forefront and work actively to keep it there. All the actions that flow out of that feeling will show him that she loves him the way he wants to be loved.

2- It’s in the eyes. This is secondary to the first point, because no matter how much love is in her gaze, if her actions don’t support it he will ultimately feel unloved. But when the behaviour is right, letting your love overflow into your gaze as you look at him can be a very powerful thing. They’re flashes that show him the full depth of your feeling.

A women in submission to a man she loves will almost automatically convey respect in most everything she does.  I don’t think a woman really can respect a man without being submissive to him.  I also don’t think a woman can respect a man and be a doormat at the same time.  A doormat, a woman who does as she is told out of fear, does not have respect for a man.  She can’t as her fear stands in the way.  Both the man and the woman may mistake her fear for respect but they are two very different things.

What I have found is, through this confidence and love stems something that many women strive for from the men in their lives but can never quite reach. Respect returned.  But far better than that respect is a man who is in love . . . with you.

***Now, I realize I didn’t answer all of Kate’s question, namely the how.  That is the truly hard part.  Each person needs to find for themselves their own confidence.  The particulars of love and respect are going to stem from this confidence and the particulars of each couple.  I welcome ideas on where to start in the comments.

We Need Men and Women

Tags

femininity, masculinity

Chris Muir has been talking about Manosphere topics more and more over the past year.

This is today’s cartoon.  I couldn’t agree with him more (for those of you who bake, don’t get caught up in the yeast part.  Just think baking powder).

Vox talks about this in terms of Team Civilization.  We need both men and women for civilization to thrive.  The key is to cultivate the best of both sexes.  Teach boys how to grab onto their masculinity and guide it to influence the world and teach girls how to surrender to their femininity and help men reach their goals.  Both are necessary and good.

Edit:  Since I posted videos about Manhood yesterday I thought I would post this Foreword of a book I recently bought called Queen of the Home compiled and edited by Jennifer M. McBride.   It is a compilation of essays, poetry and vignettes about being a wife.  I am very much looking forward to this book coming in.

The volume you hold in your hands is a treasure trove. You are about to dive into centuries of wisdom and encouragement that will challenge you, renew your vision, and refresh your spirit. My friend Jennifer McBride has done a great service in pulling together resources to inspire Christian women in their calling as keepers at home.

Sadly, you will find little of this encouragement in the broader culture, particularly in the West. Having rejected our lawgiver, it seems we are now determined to blot out even the faintest memory of the good, noble, and true path He graciously gave us to walk. All around us, voices cry out that we are “worth it,” that we are powerful, capable, and strong  . . .  as long as we turn our backs on “quaint” notions like homekeeping, rearing our own children, preparing meals, demonstrating hospitality on a regular basis, and showing respect and honor to our husbands. It seems in today’s world, a woman can be fulfilled in any way  . . . as long as that way doesn’t involve her own home or family.

At the same time, we are bombarded with the utterly false idea that women can “have it all”—the happy marriage, motherhood, and full-time career— all at the same time. But none of us can do this. We simply cannot be in two places at once, concentrating our full attention on the demands of a career while also giving our all to husbands, children, home, and church. Common sense should confirm this, but we seem to have rejected common sense along with god’s perfect will for families. Instead of ruling in our own sphere, we have become slaves in another’s. The loss to our civilization has been devastating, for without home-building wives and mothers, culture disintegrates.

Queen of the Home reminds us of our birthright as women, and it is a rich and beautiful one. In the beginning, god set Adam and Eve as king and queen over creation. They were designed to complement one another. It wasn’t good for man to be alone, as god Himself stated. Man needed woman to complete him as his perfect helper. Without woman, godly dominion simply could not take place. With his helper, Adam could tend and keep the garden, drawing on Eve’s gifts and abilities, and be fruitful as god commanded. The Fall harmed that perfect union and distorted the mysterious and holy marriage relationship, but Christ’s finished work on the cross redeems us from the Fall and calls us back to co-laboring as husbands and wives, each with important roles to fulfill as we serve the lord. In turn, our laboring together in harmony presents a picture of Christ and His bride, the Church. What a glorious calling!

Jennifer McBride has given us a powerful dose of inspiration and vision in this volume. I am thankful for her willingness to put it together, and I look forward to sharing it with family and friends. I pray you will be blessed as you enjoy these pages and meditate on the importance of the amazing, multi-faceted role god has given you. You are queen of your home! May your home reflect the glory and goodness of the god Who placed you there.

Jennie Chancey At home,
May 2011

Teaching to the Future

Tags

blue pill, femininity, masculinity, teach the future

In case any of you missed this amazing post by M3, please go read it now.  It’s an incredibly poignant post of his younger years and what happened to him in following all of his blue pill teachings.  All of us have been brought up with blue pill thinking to some degree.  Men are taught to be sensitive and nice.  They are taught that their masculinity is something that must be hidden away and buried.  That it is somehow . . . wrong.  Read his post to see the horrible effects of this feminist thinking.

Women are taught to embrace our sexuality, to have fun, and that, no matter what, Mr. Right will someday appear to sweep us off our feet with no preparation on our part, whatsoever.  The effect can be seen in so many articles written by highly educated, career successful, yet sad women.

M3, thank God, got angry.  Very angry, and from that, his masculinity came forth and changed his life (from the post, I think it even saved his life).  It is time we start teaching our children the truth, that men and women are different and it is these very differences that attract us to each other.  It makes men neither brutes nor savages and it makes women neither simpering weaklings nor ornamental.  Men are given the gift of masculinity and women the gift of femininity to do with what we choose.  We can use them selfishly or selflessly and we mustn’t take away those gifts away any longer.

Feminine Wiles

Tags

feminine wiles, femininity, manipulate, manosphere

When one spends enough time reading the various blogs in the manosphere there is a trend that is seen regarding manipulative women. The word manipulative is almost always used in a very negative light. I had a conversation at Alpha Game a few days ago that was going nowhere for this very reason. He was using the word to mean a very negative thing and I was not.  Because of this one word we were not understanding one another. Finally, I looked the word up, as I knew the definition of this word is why we were at an impasse. From the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of the word manipulate:

1 handle or control (a tool, mechanism, information, etc.) in a skilful manner

2 control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly or unscrupulously.

                ~ alter or present (data) so as to mislead.

During the conversation, I was using the second definition, but using it in terms of cleverly.  Not unscrupulously.  Not too long ago, this was referred to as feminine wiles.  But even these have a negative connotation to them.  From the Free Online Dictionary, wile (noun):

1. A stratagem or trick intended to deceive or ensnare.

2. A disarming or seductive manner, device, or procedure.

3. Trickery; cunning

Verb

1. To influence or lead by means of wiles; entice.

2. To pass (time) agreeably

What I was talking about during our conversation was a combination of definition 2 of the noun and definition 1 of the verb.  Feminine wiles, while they can certainly be used to negative and devious ends, are nothing more than a tool.  In essence, they are Girl Game.  Just like Game, they are going to be used to the end goal of the user, for either good or bad, but in and of themselves, they are not a bad thing.  Feminine wiles are a woman’s power.  They are what she covertly uses to influence her man, or any man, to get what she wants.  It is what any particular woman might want that a man has to be careful of.  If her end game is to increase her ability to love, the her manipulation or influence of her man is a very good thing.  If her end game is a large house with granite counter tops, then one wants to be very wary of any feminine wiles she might employ.

I use feminine wiles often to produce the effect I desire (my husband knows darn well what I’m doing, too.  This is a good thing.)  I manipulate his senses with baked cookies. I entice him to more sleep with pretty nightgowns (haha!)  If he really needs the sleep, I employ his beautiful daughters to give me ideas on how to help Daddy get more sleep so he’s not too tired during the day (right in front of him, of course).  I don’t do this harshly or in any way nagging.  It’s done as a matter of fact and he appreciates what I am trying to do for him.  I know darn well that a “Come to bed” will fall on deaf ears, but a “Why is Daddy so tired?” will soften him to go to bed a bit earlier that evening.  It’s also a very gentle way for me to tell him something he really does not want to hear (Maritus hates to sleep as it’s a waste of precious time that he could use to read or do something else he loves).

Feminine wiles must be applied skillfully and carefully.  One must learn the intricacies of one’s husband before trying different things as, most of the time the effort will be appreciated, sometimes it will not.  Sometimes, a wife must just stand back and let what will happen, happen and then try something different on another day.  Many times, wiles must simply be applied playfully as what you wish to disarm is simply the day and your goal is to tweeze out a smile or a laugh.  Apply them aptly and both you and your husband will be happier for it.

Differences in Doting

Tags

appreciation, doting, femininity, masculinity, respect, work

Just Visiting and Geisha Kate brought up a good point in It’s the Little Things ~ III.  Just Visiting had this to say:

Unfortunately, sometimes there is little sympathy to be found if the wife also works. A “What about me? I work too and have to deal with stuff” attitude. And , I think this underlies a lot of what’s going wrong with marriages these days.

Geisha Kate backs this up:

I believe it is harder to appreciate a spouse when one is also working and perhaps bringing home the same paycheck. . . .

But the point is, when both people are coming home tired, who is there to play “wife.” Now add in children. Each progression adds new complications. It is no wonder so many marriages are breaking down. A couple needs to have a finely tuned and fair system so that each person feels appreciated for what they do, whatever that may be.

I agree that things are going to be a bit different in a household where both the husband and wife work.  Only, the dynamic in contributing to the marriage has to be different for women than it will be for men. A man cannot dote on his wife in the same manner I describe in the Little Things posts.  The actions can be the same (a glass of wine, quiet time, baking a chicken, etc.) but it must come from a different place.  It must come from a place of leadership and masculinity.  Not a place of appeasement or supplication.  If he does it because she is angry, or because she has hinted at “do this for me because you love me”, or for any reason beyond the masculine, she will resent him for it. Maybe not right away, but if it is ongoing, she will. What is so very difficult is she might not even know why. She is getting what she thinks she wants and yet it is steadily making her more and more unhappy. A man must dote from a place of masculinity and received respect.  He must dote because he wants to.  This masculine dynamic goes back to The Power of Men and Women.

It can be very difficult to maintain focus without our men standing behind us and truly appreciating what we are doing.  But when we see the smile of true appreciation, everything we are doing makes sense and it is all worth while. Put all that on the pedestal.

Men should dote from a place that says “I appreciate how you are helping to support me and our marriage.”  If it comes from a place of supplication, a place of “if I don’t do this she will be angry” it’s not masculine and it will fail.  Men who dote from a place of power, of masculinity, will be highly appreciated and respected.  It will also inspire more femininity and her desire to dote on you.  Conversely, a woman should dote from place of support and love.  A feminine and submissive place (never subservient.  One cannot fully support in this manner).  She dotes to help re-energize her man so he can relax and regain his strength, as tomorrow he must go out and do battle again.  These two different dynamics are very different and if both try to come from the same place, things will fall apart.

When both the husband and wife are working it will be harder but it can be done.  There will always be days where the stress gets to be too much and one will forget what one’s spouse is bringing to the table. It is inevitable as we can only ever know what we have done. Both spouses need to understand this.  If the wife came home from a horrible day of work he might approach it in this manner “You’re beat and you’re stressed.  I’ve got the table and the dishes.  Take this wine, go upstairs and take a bath.”  If she protests (and she likely will) give her the look (you know of what I speak) and firmly with that twinkle in your eye “No objections.  Go.”

The wife, upon knowing her husband had a horrible day,  can grab him a drink after dinner.  Tell him (sweetly) to go grab a book, watch the game, etc. and do your best to keep the kids quiet. Give him the time he needs to unwind without guilt.  Give him a warm smile and kiss on the cheek.  Send him off with “Let me know if I can bring you anything” and let him crash.  There are a million things, working or not, that take little time most days, and some more effort on bad days, to make one’s wife feel appreciated and that makes one’s husband feel loved and respected.  The effort is worth it and often the effort will be responded to with masculinity and appreciation from the man and femininity and love from a woman, when it is done right.

***My apologies for the lack of posts lately.  It’s allergy season and I get hit hard every year.  I really want to begin to tackle concupiscence that Matthew King wrote about in the Welcome to Hypergamy post but I am definitely not up for that level of thinking right now.