• Home
  • About
  • Ask Your Questions

On the Rock

~ Verus Conditio

On the Rock

Tag Archives: Marriage

Understanding the Future

05 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Stingray in Marriage, Men, Women

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

career, happiness, Marriage

Captain Capitalism has a very good Youtube video up today that I found to be a good followup to my past two posts (here and here):

He makes the excellent point that even though the manosphere can be difficult for women to read, the bloggers in it do not hate us.  They wish to spread truth and just because it may hurt, does not mean it stems from hate.  For the men, he really gets into keeping one’s eye out for a good woman to round out a man’s life and how rare a thing that is these days. (Ladies, if marriage is what you want then it is up to you to be this woman.)

Now, I would like to contrast this for my women readers with an article that Vox has linked to at Alpha Game today.  The Lonely Legacy of my Sex and the City Lifestyle.  In this article, Claudia Connell speaks rather candidly about many things that bloggers in the sphere have spoken about many times.

One thing I’m pretty sure of, though, is that I’ll be on my own, with no spouse to look out for me or children to visit.

At the age of 46, I accept that my opportunity to have a family has gone and the chances  of meeting a decent man aren’t looking too rosy either.

Too many women are unaware of the effects of age on their ability to conceive (let alone finding a husband) because many of us have met those one or two women who have conceived into their early forties.  However, we aren’t aware of how many women have tried to become pregnant at that age and failed.  A woman’s peak fertility age is in her early twenties.  According to the linked graph a woman in her early twenties has an 86% likelihood of getting pregnant within a one year period whereas a woman who is in her early 40’s has a 36% chance.  This is yet another reason why I stated that a woman should decide at a young age if she wishes to marry.  Your chances of attracting a husband are not only higher, your chances of having a healthy family are as well.

More from Connell,

For me, the single girl lifestyle that I embraced and celebrated with so much enthusiasm in the Eighties and Nineties has lost much of its gloss, and is starting to look a little hollow.

I was part of the Sex And The City generation — successful, feisty women who made their own money, answered to no one and lived life to the full.

When it came to men, our attitude to them was the same as it was towards the latest must-have handbag: only the best would do, no compromises should be made, and even then it would be quickly tired of and cast aside.

What none of us spent too long thinking about in our 20s and 30s was how our lifestyles would impact on us once we reached middle-age . . .

There is a life past 35 and 40 and women must begin to realize that the train will come to it’s station.  What are they going to do then?  Connell seems to have at least realized that she has made these decisions herself and she must live with them.  However, there are many women at her age who don’t or won’t accept how their own decisions have put them in their current situations and are calling for men to marry them anyway.  They attempt to shame men for not finding them attractive instead of looking to their own decisions for the reasons they are successful yet alone.

I’ve found myself thinking that perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad, after all, to have someone to cook for, discuss the plot of Homeland with, or just offload to after a particularly bad day.

Then there are the practicalities of finding someone who can shift a heavy piece of furniture or jump-start a car. If my married sister needs something done, she asks her husband. But when I need help, I have to pay someone £200 or more.

Many of us have been taught from childhood (some of you from infancy) that women are amazing creatures who can do anything a man can do and some things better.  This has gone to the point that many women forget that marriage and life with a man is not about what she will be getting out of that life, rather it is about what she will be giving to it.  Women need to stop thinking in terms of what they will get and instead focus on what they have to give.  The saying “It is better to give than to receive” is very true and one will find that they will end up receiving so much more in return (Yes, I am quite aware that there are men out there who will always take without giving back, yet it will be quite apparent who this man is before a marriage).

What I never considered, though, was that one day [men would] stop coming along altogether. I really wish I’d known that once you’re in your late 30s, men are pretty thin on the ground. And once you’re in your 40s, it’s as though they’ve been wiped off the face of the Earth.

This really gets down to the heart of it.  Women are in a position in this day and age to live however they wish.  They have the means to make their own money and provide for themselves.  And yet, more than ever before, women seem to be unaware that life will not be forever like it is in their 20’s.  If a woman decides to not marry and have a career, she has every opportunity to do so.  Along with this opportunity should come the knowledge that every decision has consequences.  The chances are quite high that she will not find a quality man who wishes to settle down with her and have a family.  Those men she describes here,

I also think it’s an uncomfortable truth that the sort of high-flying alpha males we were all holding out for didn’t want women like us. All the successful men I know have married sweet, uncomplicated women who are happy to forfeit their careers to support their husbands.

Along with the opportunity women so enjoy today must come the knowledge that the future will come and the decisions you make today very highly impact how it will play out.  Your decisions must be made accordingly.

Being a Wife

30 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by Stingray in Marriage, Men, Women

≈ 104 Comments

Tags

beauty, husband, Marriage, respect, wife

I realize that this has all been said many times.  However, it bears repeating and going into some detail as many women still think simply being female is enough to warrant having a husband.  It’s not.

No one is entitled to a spouse, man or woman, just like no one is entitled to an Audi A8 or a position as CEO of a Fortune 500 Company.  Finding a man to spend the rest of your life with takes work and it also takes dedication.  Dedication must come before meeting the man and it will last through the courtship and through the rest of your marriage until (hopefully) death.  This dedication must start at a young age.  A girl needs to decide in her mid to early teens what she wants out of her life.  Does she want marriage or does she want a career?  She needs to understand the repercussions of these decisions and be steadfast to reach her goal.  There is no *All* for women (or men) to have.  If you choose marriage and family, you will be sacrificing some things.  If you choose career, you will also be sacrificing some things.

I want to talk here to those women who decide they want a marriage and family.  If you decide you want this for yourself I have compiled a list of things that most men are looking for in a wife (notice I said a wife.  The list is very different for men looking for a quick fling).

Be Beautiful

Beauty is what a man is going to notice first.  It is how a woman looks that will first draw attention.  He needn’t say a word to a woman to know whether or not he finds her attractive.  Beauty is necessary for any woman attracting a man, whether it be a one night thing or a relationship.  Too many women confuse this idea that he should be attracted to personality before deciding relationship status but this is simply not how men are wired.  Intrinsically we know this (or women would not dress like this on Halloween or any other night of the year)

I know that not all women are endowed with natural beauty.  We do all have, however, a base with which to work from.  Learn how to apply makeup and enhance your best features, stay or get yourself thin, workout (not just cardio either.  You need some muscle so learn how to lift weights), find a hairstyle that enhances your face and keep it long, stand up straight (This is hard.  Women, as a whole, slouch and it’s not attractive.  Try standing up straight and you automatically set yourself on a different level than most women.  It takes some time to get used to and your back muscles will likely even get sore after a while, but keep it up.  It changes your entire look), find some feminine clothes that fit.  Those baggy sweaters are comfortable, sure (Your talking to the queen of baggy sweaters here.  While in college, I had friends be sincerely surprised at how thin I was because I always wore baggy sweaters.  You can dress in a feminine way without looking promiscuous) but they hide your best features.  Same with sweatpants.  Don’t do it.

Find someone that you trust to help you out with all of this if you need it.  Someone whom you trust to tell you the truth about how you look and what needs to change.  You would be surprised at how much some women in some department stores love to help women out, as well.  Some stores will even give you an appointment to help with your wardrobe and I know that they would give makeup and hair opinions as well.

Learn to Cook

Look, cooking is not hard.  It’s really not.  It simply takes practice like anything else you set out to learn.  If you learned to play the clarinet in highschool, you can learn to cook. You are going to make mistakes.  I daresay, a good cook has to make mistakes to become that good cook.  You aren’t going to learn the hotspots of your stove, pans, and oven without mistakes.  You’re not going to learn how to cook a rare or well done steak without making mistakes and you’re also never going to learn what you love in a recipe and what you hate without making mistakes.  If you burn one meal, figure out why (heat too high? didn’t flip soon enough? wrong pan? etcetera) and then next time make the fix.  A woman doesn’t become a good cook over night.  It is something she has learned by making many, many mistakes and learning why so she doesn’t make them again.  Don’t be scared to cook because you are afraid of doing it wrong.  You will do it wrong, but you won’t make the same mistake next time.

If you can cook, but you have this idea in your head that you shouldn’t have to for a man because he should cook for himself then don’t be surprised if a man passes you for someone else.  This idea that a wife caring for a man has somehow become a mother to him is beyond absurd.  A woman goes into a marriage expecting security and comfort from her husband.  There is no reason that a man shouldn’t expect the same from his wife.  Men love food.  It brings them comfort in a way that few other things can.  If you aren’t willing to provide this comfort, then you cannot be upset that he settles down with another woman who will.  (Also, ladies, make man-food for your husband.  Maybe not every night, but from time to time, trust me, he needs it.  I will be going into this further in an upcoming post).

Be Sweet

A man doesn’t want to marry his boss.  He already has one of those or is one most days of the year.  He wants a woman who is pleasant, who asks for things rather than demands them and who speaks in a respectful tone of voice.  Don’t nag.  It’s unbecoming and it’s annoying.  If you married a very masculine man you aren’t going to get anywhere with it anyway as he will ignore you, laugh in your face, or tell you, in no uncertain way, to knock it off.  You will get more with honey than with vinegar.

Know your value

Commenter Carlotta at Alpha Game explained this to her daughters in an excellent way:

I showed them some jewelery that I was saving for them to wear on special occasions when they are older. I then told them that they had to wait to wear it, but every single other person I could find would get to wear it, break it, steal a piece and throw it in the mud…but eventually they would get the diamond necklace.

Neither wanted it.

“Good, that is how a good man will feel about a women who has let every Tom, Dick and Harry feel up her goods around town.”

Message received.

Feminism may teach that women can be promiscuous like a man without consequences.  That doesn’t make it true.  Men want to marry the gem with the highest clarity.  If you wish to marry, decide at a young age and keep your necklace gleaming.  It won’t be easy and no one can guarantee you will marry because you waited.  This is what men want from a wife, however, and it is a gift worth giving.   You, your marriage, and your husband will benefit from it.

Be Loyal

You need to demonstrate loyalty.  Marriage is a loosing proposition for men both legally and in what women are currently bringing to the table.  You can’t singlehandedly change the legalities of marriage but you can demonstrate loyalty.  If all your girlfriends are going for a girls night out to a bar, tell them no.  Do not flirt with other men.  Make it clear that you understand the risk of marriage by being open to a prenup and/or a marriage that wouldn’t be considered legal (a religious ceremony only).  Don’t make the wedding a big deal and be fine with just a wedding band or a ring from a pawn shop.  This shows loyalty in that you are making it clear you are in this for a marriage and not a wedding.  The wedding day is a couple of hours of flowers and a pretty dress.  The only truly important thing about it are the vows.  The marriage is for life and you need to know this in your bones when you say the vows.  They are taken to last a lifetime.

Be Warm and Compassionate

You need to do this by keeping a warm and inviting home, but more than that you have to be warm and inviting yourself.  Figure out the difference of when something needs to be said about something your husband might have done and when to simply let it go.  If he comes home from a crummy day at work and snaps at you, let it go.  It’s work talking and not your husband.  There is no reason to draw attention to it.  Give him some time to relax and say nothing about it (don’t draw attention to it through your behavior, either.  Move on like nothing happened).  If something more serious is going on and it needs to be address, address it in a calm and direct manner.  You both can’t deal with it if you are changing the subject to something else, yelling, crying, etcetera.  Deal with that one thing and move on.  Also, and this is big, once it’s been dealt with, it’s over.  It is not fodder to bring up another time to throw in his face.  It’s in the past.  Leave it there.

Be Fun

Men love to be around women who like to have fun and who laugh a lot.  Don’t fake giggle to draw attention, but have a good time and laugh like you mean it.

Give Him Respect

You need to respect your man and you need to feel it down to your toes.  This is not the same as feeling comfortable in his warmth and security.  This respect can actually be a little uncomfortable.  With this respect comes the knowledge that you will do things for him that might make you very uncomfortable.  Things like not calling him out in public even if you feel embarrassed or angry, not saying bad things about him to your girlfriends when they are saying awful things about their men, doing something that he has requested you do even though your friends and family may disagree.  Respect is key in a strong marriage and it’s not always warm and fuzzy.

Be Appreciative

Just as you will be sacrificing things to be in a marriage, realize that so will he.  Very likely, he will be sacrificing more than you in many cases.  Notice what he does for you, what he has given up, and what he is giving.  Thank him for it!  Don’t do it just once, either.  It’s not something that should be done everyday as it would get annoying, but every once in a while take a moment and think about what he is doing for you and tell him that you have noticed.   Leave a note in his briefcase, make him his favorite meal, or buy a beautiful nightgown.  It’s important that you realize what he’s doing and that he knows you realize it.

Be Affectionate

When a man has decided he wants to be in a relationship, things change for him.  Most men are perfectly capable of having no string attached sex, but once they enter into a relationship sex and physical affection become necessary.  Touch is how a great deal of men understand love.  Never, ever withhold sex or your affection and use it to purchase what you want.  There are a few occasions that Athol would go into at his site where this might be wise, but those reasons are few and far between.  If you want the porch fixed, for goodness sake, don’t tell him you are not going to sleep with him until it’s done.   Your love and affection are not up for sale and are not a bargaining chip.  He deserves them because he is your husband.

Be Supportive

A husband needs and deserves his wife’s support.  He needs it to get through a tough spell at work, to get through a death in the family, to get through sickness, job loss and a thousand other big and little things that he might go through.  Be there for him, always.

__________________________________________________________________

I realize that there are probably more things that I could discuss, but these really get at the heart of what men want and deserve from a wife.  A good marriage is not a one way street where it simply falls into a woman’s lap and she ends up with a ring on her finger.  It is something that must be worked at before, during and after the wedding.  It is something that must be worked at until death during the hard times and during the good times.  Things going smoothly does not mean that it’s time to let go and become complacent.  It means that it’s time to figure out how to make it even better.

The Man’s Side

09 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by Stingray in Marriage, Men, Women

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Marriage, obligations

Commenter deti left this comment at Dalrock’s yesterday:

Women want all the benefits of marriage, but none of the obligations.

Women want the status, the money, the support, the air of legitimacy. But many women then balk and b**** and complain when it is suggested that marriage carries not only benefits, but also burdens and obligations.

Many women either don’t want to hear that not only will they GET some things in marriage; they will also have to GIVE some things too. Not only do they get to do some things they WANT to do, they will have to do things they MUST do.

Many women also complain because their decision to marry forces women to make clear choices that cannot be easily undone and that have very real consequences. Many of them don’t want to live with their choices, they don’t want adverse consequences, and they don’t want the idea of marital obligation.

This is the man’s side of the point of A Typical Day post.  Marriage is far more than a pretty wedding and then happy, happy, joy, joy.  The wedding day is arguably one of the least important days of the marriage because it is one of the easiest.  Of course the ceremony is important, but it is one minute part of your marriage.  Marriage is not about the husband (and often the wife) going off to work to buy a house, cars, phones, etc.  It about propping each other up and then down the road propping up the family.  It about working for each other.  Not the satisfaction of it.  If you get satisfaction from your work (this applies to SAH work as well), bonus, but that is not the point.

Marriage is an obligation to your spouse.  An obligation to care for your spouse, NO MATTER WHAT.  It is not a 50%/50% from each spouse as so many like to say but a 100%/100% from each spouse.  Is 100% attainable?  No, not really.  Some days will be far more than others, but it is something that one should strive for.

Your husband is the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with.  It is your job to prop him up and always be there for him.  You will find that when you do this, if you pay close attention, he is doing the same for you.

*Note:  I said specifically marriage here, but I am really talking about any serious relationship.  I don’t wish to crowd the post with slashes and whatnot as it is universal.  I also think women need to show at the beginning of a relationship that these are things that she understands and wants to do if the relationship takes off, only she needs to temper it way back as to not crowd the man.

A Typical Day

07 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by Stingray in Marriage

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

Expectations, Marriage

A typical day here starts with Maritus (my husband) hopping in the shower while I head downstairs to start breakfast.  Usually the kids have been up for 10-15 minutes or are shortly behind me.  First comes Maritus’ breakfast.  Then, while he’s eating I prepare three more meals for his workday.  Sprinkled in there, the kids come sit and eat lots of bacon and sausage with Daddy.  Maritus then heads out to do battle for 10-12 hours a day.  He does this 5-7 days a week, depending.

While he works, the kids and I spend our day together.  Most days are filled with homeschooling and chores and play and laughter (and discipline and corrections and everything else one would naturally expect).  Yesterday happened to be heading to a local garden to look at butterflies and climb trees.  It was a stellar day.  Evening brings getting dinner on the table where we then spend time together and talk about so many different things.

I am telling you all of this because, regardless of the day, I have been given a gift (though this is not the correct word.  More on that later).  The gift of staying home with my children and sitting in the warm sun watching my kids marvel at 10 different types of butterflies.  The gift of “Look how high I was able to climb, Mommy!” while my husband fights on our (and his own) behalf. He gets to see all of this through pictures sent to his phone.  The beauty in his day is a picture of a yellow and black butterfly and his daughter high up in the tree.  But I am there, for all of it.  It is a gift that I will be eternally grateful for.

I say the word “gift” isn’t the correct word for what my husband has given me because a gift is given freely, with nothing expected in return.  Yet, that is not how a marriage works.  Maritus has expectations of me, as he should.  As should all husbands.  He would not give me this if I did not care for him and our family the way I do and I would not deserve it.  A husband is right to have expectations of his wife for the things he has given to her and his family.

We talked about this last night and he said it is an honor for him to do his duty every day because he is able to give us all of this.  It made my heart sing, because I get to help him bring this honor.  Maybe that is the true gift.

Top Posts

  • Submissive vs Subservient (or Doormat)
  • Pedestalization - What women want
  • Dominance vs Domineering
  • The Male Imperative vs. The Female Imperative

Recent Comments

jóia on The Male Imperative vs. The Fe…
Chin check on Dominance vs Domineering
Chin check on Dominance vs Domineering
Quiet One on Dominance vs Domineering
Quiet One on Dominance vs Domineering
hgf on The Male Imperative vs. The Fe…
Frankie on Dominance vs Domineering
An Anonymous, Libera… on A Guide to Entering the Manosp…

Blogroll

  • 80 Proof Oinomancy
  • Alpha Game
  • Captain Capitalism
  • Dalrock
  • Donalgraeme
  • From the Depths to the Wilderness
  • Hawaiian Libertarian
  • Manosphere.com
  • Morning Sprinkles and Evening Gunfire
  • Page For Men
  • Red Pill Wives
  • The Private Man
  • The Rational Male

Categories

  • Education
  • Marriage
  • Men
  • Nutrition
  • Thoughts
  • Women
Follow On the Rock on WordPress.com

Blog Stats

  • 368,610 hits

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 223 other subscribers

Blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • On the Rock
    • Join 223 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • On the Rock
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar