Stop Being So Afraid

Tags

fear, femininity, masculinity

Yup. From Fight Club. All the women and fear images were about weak men fearing strong women. This one made the most sense.

In our misunderstandings of what it is to be Man, we’ve come to fear masculinity.  We see it as brutish and severe and something to be contained.  Only, it’s not on us to contain.  It’s not on us to decide, from our feminine minds, what masculinity is.  And because we’ve done that for the past several decades, we now have an underlying fear of men.  In some cases, this fear is healthy.  Only, we’ve carried it so far as to have some fear of our husbands as well.

We fear their decisions that would be different than our own.  We fear what they might do to our bodies should we give them freely.  We fear their confidence, their expectations of us, we even fear their respect because we don’t truly understand it.  We even sometimes fear their word.  It’s time to stop this.  These men are the ones who have vowed to love and cherish us, forsaking all others, for the rest of their lives.  They deserve our trust and our understanding.  Not only our understanding of them personally, but our understanding of what it is to be a Man.

Some will say, why should we do this? Why shouldn’t they be more like women and understand us?  We’ve tried that now.  We’ve tried it for at least 4 decades and it isn’t working.  Women are reportedly more unhappy than ever before and men are (understandably) fleeing from ever getting married.  When we strive to understand masculinity and our men (as much as we can.  There are things that will always be beyond us), our families, our children and we as women tend to be happier.  When there are times of needing feminine perspective, it is time to go to other women.  To go to them to learn what is going on.

What exactly are we afraid of?  Our friends not understanding why we don’t talk badly about our husbands?  Why we choose to care for them?  Being vulnerable to the man we vowed to spend our lives with?  I understand that there are a few occasions of men taking advantage of this vulnerability, but how often does this really happen, and do we truly fear this from a man that many women have spent years and years with, with no sign of any trouble?

One of the things I was trying to get at in my last post (and I’m not sure I did), is that there will be times when we stand back that our husbands might get stern, or unequivocally make his expectations known, or do something else that might frustrate or anger us or cause fear.  It might take us by surprise, but in these instances, is it really out of his character?  Or is it the way he treats those he keeps close to him because he respects them?  Leaders have expectations of those who follow them and sometimes, especially if those expectations aren’t met, he may get stern, to man or woman.  This actually is a sign of respect, from a man.  It means he knows you are capable.  If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be there.  Respect to a man does not mean, he won’t hurt my feelings.

Do not fear masculinity in your husbands, sons, brothers, fathers and other trusted men.  It is this that draws us to them and we should not try to hinder that drive and we should certainly trust them enough to not fear them.

** Yes, there are those who have broken that trust.  I understand that.  The question is, why and is he working to rebuild that again?

The Advantage of Youth

Tags

femininity, hypergamy, masculinity, youth

Rollo had an interesting piece up this week entitled The Curse of Potential in which he discusses how many men today are not meeting their full potential due to the fact that they are trying to walk the line of security vs. increased status with the women in their lives.

In it, Jeremy states:

My only problem with this perspective is its applicability to a more traditional scenario where women actually do capitalize on their youth and beauty by marrying very young, to younger men. In such a scenario, the women are gambling to a much greater degree, marrying men decades before they’ve had time to build up to their potential.

If, hypothetically, the vast majority of women in America started locking in good mates in their very early 20s, would hypergamy simply flare up less and allow the men to reach greater potential? Is there a natural suppression to hypergamy when women marry younger? . . . .

I tend to think there’s actually an (as-yet unquantified in the red-pill universe) affect on women when they marry younger. I think that without years of fending for themselves and being lonely they see less benefit in jumping ship for the perceived mega yacht nearby. Their self-defense mechanism remains unused and hence they see the man they are committed to as more valuable. I would term this something like husband-goggles, but that sounds kind of silly.

To which I responded that what he is talking about is hypergamy satisfied.  He then asks:

By what mechanism is hypergamy satisfied through a woman marrying while young (and valuable) to a younger (likely lower-value) man? I can’t see it.

I do think Jeremy is onto something when he asks if there is more of a natural suppression of hypergamy when women marry younger.  Younger women are simply not going to be as experienced in the world and are going to retain more of their natural vulnerability.  They will have more of the wide eyed wonder and innocence and as they become more experienced with the world (and with men) they begin to lose this.

Matt Forney had a very good article recently, The Case Against Female Self Esteem, that delved more deeply into this.

In order to love someone else, you need to be emotionally vulnerable, more so women than men (as girls are attracted to confident men). You need to be willing to open yourself up, to give yourself over to their judgment, to risk being hurt and rejected. Without this emotional openness, any relationship you have will never go beyond the infatuation stage. But girls today are told to erect gigantic walls around their hearts, cutting them off from an crucial part of their humanity.

I believe that the younger the woman, the more she will be able to be emotionally vulnerable.  She will not yet have had too much time to build the wall up around her heart (though it seems that this wall is being built at an ever younger age).  Because of this vulnerability and the potential for greater innocence, a masculine man with potential will be more likely to keep her that way.  Without having built up this wall, the less likely she will need a man who has already realized his full potential because he will better be able to dominate and lead her without having yet reached his full status.  His not yet full fledged masculinity will still be strong enough to hold her gaze to him as he works to meet his own potential with her help.  In essence, while not fully realized, his masculinity and dominance will  be enough to satiate her hypergamy because she doesn’t have the experience or the hardness that comes with knowing more and more masculine men.  This masculinity in all it’s potential will keep her enticed and wanting more, from him.

Unfortunately, today with easy divorce and women being encouraged to always be happy, what could have been a wonderful marriage is so easily dropped for the imaginary greener grass.  Not only does this make hypergamy much harder to satiate, it has taught women to wait and lose a big part of themselves that will make seeing the potential of a man far more difficult, if not impossible.

There is something else going on here as well, that the traditional young woman did not have going against her that Matt gets further into.  Women have given up their natural femaleness for masculine self esteem and confidence.

[Women are] encouraged to derive self-worth not from their inherent feminine nature but from their college degree, their job or the other illusory trappings of achievement in a man’s world.

This male confidence not only aids in building up the wall around her heart, it requires a more dominate man to break these walls down.  It would take a man with far more maximized potential to have any way of breaking through the masculinity she has created in herself to bring her back to the feminine in which she must be for her hypergamy to be satisfied.  Hence so many women wanting the man who just gets it.  These few men are the ones lined up for as they are the only ones who are able to be dominate enough to break through.  However, these men are not interested in versions of themselves.  They are interested in young women willing to have the confidence to be feminine, who are willing to be vulnerable and admit they not only want a man, but need a man.

One of the most commonly repeated tropes of feminists and manboobs goes something like this:

You should be happy that women nowadays are independent, because it means that they’re with you because they WANT to be with you, not because they’re dependent on you.”

This is a fundamental violation of the relationship between men and women. Part of our identity as men based in women needing us, if not necessarily in a material sense, then in an emotional one, though material and emotional vulnerability often go hand in hand. That female insecurity is a crucial ingredient for unlocking our inner masculine instincts. If a girl needs me, feels that her life would end if she were to lose me, I’m doubly inspired to be there for her, to shield her from the cruelty of the world. Frankly, it’s pretty hot. If she just wants me, could take me or leave me, my gut response is one of apathy. “Yeah, whatever babe.”

It is that female insecurity that younger women have greater potential of possessing that will bind her to a man who is not yet realized but has the great potential to do so.  As this insecurity diminishes through experience and through seeking out male confidence for herself, hypergamy is going to be ever more difficult to satiate and it will take the most dominant of men to break through and while these men will be willing to add to her life experiences for one evening, they will be falling in love with the feminine girl who in unafraid of being vulnerable:

I was thinking about a couple of my past relationships when I had this epiphany; the girls I’ve loved the most were the ones who were the most insecure, the most emotionally vulnerable.

Being Your Own Man

Tags

cads, feminism, jerk, masculinity

 

Since first coming to the sphere, one of the more prolific themes I’ve seen is that being a jerk will get the girl.  I’m not here to argue that this is not true because in many, many cases it undoubtably is.  A man who is unafraid to be arrogant and rude will be seen by women as more dominant and therefore more attractive.  A man that doesn’t have a care for all of the rules (especially her’s) is someone she will notice and, at the very least, be intrigued by.

What I have also noticed in reading these posts, is that many of the behaviors that are described as being caddish, mostly aren’t.  I understand why Heartiste, Ace and other writers describe these behaviors the way they do.  Frankly, the words used are the easiest and best way to convey their meanings.  It is quite clear to the men what is meant by jerk, et etcetera.  They don’t have to struggle in anyway to make their point clear about what women find memorable or attractive in many dominant men.  Also, learning to be comfortable being what many men (and a lot of women) would consider to be a jerk is part of the journey a man must go through to grow into himself.

Here is what bothers me about the description jerk (or other word of choice).  Much of what is described is very, very far from rude or bad behavior from a Man.  A Man can be civil yet still terribly blunt.  This is not brutish behavior.  A Man has a mission and if people are a hinderance in completing that mission, he will have to do what must be done to either move these people out of the way or recruit their help.  A man doesn’t do that by being nice.  He does it by leading and leaders do not waste their time or the time of others being anything more than civil.  If feelings get hurt, then they get hurt.  That does not make this man wrong or even rude.

The word jerk and any of it’s synonyms are used by feminists today in an effort to rein in these men who would be leaders.  Who would dare to be masculine and who are not going to allow some hurt feelings stand in his way.  This is why it bothers me to see these words used to describe the process in becoming a better man.  They are words that are rooted in feminist culture in an effort to control what they do not like and do not understand.  These are words that anyone in my generation or younger would avoid behaving like at all costs because of the hurt feelings it would induce in others.  What I have a problem with is that using these words somehow teaches men that being masculine actually does equate to caddish behavior.  It teaches men that, not giving women exactly what we say we want is somehow wrong or worse, arrogant and cruel.  It teaches Men that living their life on their own terms, with their own mission being their focus is misguided and hurtful to others.  This couldn’t be farther from the truth.  This is what a Man does with his life.  This is what masculinity is.  We should not be painting masculinity in the same light that feminism would and has painted it.

To put this another way, in terms of Game, what is going on here is that using these words is playing into their frame.  It is playing into the frame of feminism that this is rude and unacceptable behavior towards others when it is not**.  It is not rude to choose not spend money on a woman whom you deem unworthy.  It is not rude to cut off a phone call with someone who is blatantly wasting your time, especially when civility is not working.  It is not rude to cut friends out of one’s life who would hold you back from accomplishing what you need to accomplish and it is certainly not rude to be very selecting when choosing a certain kind of woman to spend your life with.

Living this way is not being a jerk or an arrogant cad.  This is the life of a Man and it should not be painted in a bad light.

**Yes, of course there are actual jerks and cads out there getting plenty of women.  These are the men who are blatantly rude and even cruel and still go home with a lot of of girls.  Women will still find them more attractive than Mr. Nice Guy.  However, the man I speak about here, that Man who is his own person, who is civil yet unapologetic, this is the Man that women will find even more attractive and far more dominant than the actual jerk.  If men have to go through the actual jerk phase to come outside a better man, I understand that process (I don’t necessarily agree with it, but I get the logic behind it), but the two should not be conflated.

What’s Your Story?

Tags

femininity, masculinity, submission

Photo discovered at Art of Manliness.

Submission.  This is probably one of the more feared and hated words in the female lexicon.  It brings up feelings of being weak, unintelligent, indecisive, oppressed, without value, and meek.    And yet, for those of us who have taken this course in our marriages, the word that I see most often is free.

So many women who have decided to tell their story feel a strong sense of freedom.  Why?  Because, at last, we are free to be feminine.  We are free to be women, not quasi men.  So I invite my commenters and readers to tell their story.  If you’ve decided to be submissive, what has it done for your life and for your marriage?  How has it affected your husband?

I would also invite the men to tell their story.  No, it wouldn’t be the same as the roads are different.  But if you started out on the route society meant for you then you were taught to be quasi female.  On your journey back to manhood, what has it done for your life and your marriage?  How has it affected your wife?

My story isn’t much different than most women.  I tried to follow the path society wanted me to follow.  I was discontent.  I was flustered and often an emotional mess.  I would try to lead as I thought I was supposed to, only to be be shut down (thankfully).  While this made me very happy with my husband, I was in turmoil in my head.  I could never let myself settle in because what I was taught and what I wanted were in opposition. Finally, one day, I realized that this was mostly because, more than anything else, I discovered what I wanted was to be right.  I loved my husband, but I was more concerned with this idea of winning.  It was then that I learned to finally, just let go.  I don’t need to win nor do I want to, because that is only about me.  I am a married woman and since I said my vows, my life should have no longer been about me.  It’s about us.  My question now isn’t, how do I win this argument, but how can I love him?

Thank you bloggers of the sphere.  You have taught me invaluable lessons, for which I will be eternally grateful.

*** If you’ve never commented, please don’t be shy.  I would love to hear from you.

Red Pill Women

Tags

difference, femininity, masculinity, Red Pill

One of things I have really enjoyed and admired about reading the different blogs is watching people learn and grow or reading their stories about how much learning these truths has changed their lives. This is a process that usually takes some time and always a lot of deep introspection.  This is required regardless of one’s sex.  As Keoni Galt noted in his post Gaming the Curst of Eve there has been a marked increase in the number of red pill women’s blogs (which was predicted by Rollo Tomassi quite some time ago).

This term, red pill women, seems to have sparked some anger in a small, yet vocal, part of the commenters.  Now, I understand the process that one goes through in learning about the red pill and I have little problem with it. Anger is part of it.  Most move on in this process and some just don’t.  Some complete it and can only see the ugly lies.  This is to be expected.

Having said that, there is something that needs to be understood.  We are red pill women, in all of our hypergamous, solipsistic, hamster spinning femaleness.  We aren’t men.  The red pill that we swallow is the same color but it is a different flavor (it’s still bitter, but different just the same).  While the base ingredients are the same the starting place and the effects are quite different.  Most women start out as some varying degree of feminist.  We fitness test, we push against our husbands leadership or usurp it altogether. We nag, expect fried ice and are unhappy when our husbands try to give it.  If our husbands know better, we are utterly confused at why things are happening the way they are.  We say we want the pedestal only to utterly hate it when placed there.  The list goes on and on.  It what we were taught.  Our bitter pill throws back in our faces how completely unreasonable, rude, irrational and sometimes how downright stupid we were behaving.  For some, it is entirely too late to change anything.  Many will never accept.  Some of us were lucky enough to find the pill and do something about all of this.  Are we perfect now?  No, but we try and we will continue to do so.

The “red-pill” woman takes frequent moments to step back and observe all that her husband does for her and their family, and she appreciates it and expresses it to him with her words and her actions. But even the best of them will admit that doing so is a constant struggle to avoid taking their husbands for granted.

It is a constant struggle.  We have to make it part of who we are much like the blue pill man must “fake it till he makes it”.  Even when it becomes part of who we are, we will still fail from time to time.  We will still take our men for granted without vigilance.

From Keoni’s piece:

Now I know better. I know where this complaint is coming from, and I know what it will lead up to if I don’t do something about it. Aside from my greater understanding of the underlying dynamics, I’ve found I actually have a true passion for cooking. I don’t need her appreciation or approval to keep practicing the culinary arts…though I do have to say, she still does express appreciation from time to time. But most of the time, my cooking skills and service are largely taken for granted now.

It is what it is….for the curse of Eve is also expressed in the old maxim: “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

This is our pill.  It is not a male one and was never meant to be.  We will never inherently understand involuntary celibacy, the desire to pedestalize, or learning how to take back one’s masculinity and learning to lead again.  We can’t understand that first brush with true confidence and how the women around you and your wife will respond to that.  What we do understand is those women’s response and exactly how that feels. And we know that we like it.

The red pill for women and the red pill for men, just as with everything else masculine and feminine, are very different medicines.  Therefore, it’s effect is also very different.  This difference, women learning to becomes feminine and men learning to become masculine, is what will attract us and bring us together again.

We Need Men and Women

Tags

femininity, masculinity

Chris Muir has been talking about Manosphere topics more and more over the past year.

This is today’s cartoon.  I couldn’t agree with him more (for those of you who bake, don’t get caught up in the yeast part.  Just think baking powder).

Vox talks about this in terms of Team Civilization.  We need both men and women for civilization to thrive.  The key is to cultivate the best of both sexes.  Teach boys how to grab onto their masculinity and guide it to influence the world and teach girls how to surrender to their femininity and help men reach their goals.  Both are necessary and good.

Edit:  Since I posted videos about Manhood yesterday I thought I would post this Foreword of a book I recently bought called Queen of the Home compiled and edited by Jennifer M. McBride.   It is a compilation of essays, poetry and vignettes about being a wife.  I am very much looking forward to this book coming in.

The volume you hold in your hands is a treasure trove. You are about to dive into centuries of wisdom and encouragement that will challenge you, renew your vision, and refresh your spirit. My friend Jennifer McBride has done a great service in pulling together resources to inspire Christian women in their calling as keepers at home.

Sadly, you will find little of this encouragement in the broader culture, particularly in the West. Having rejected our lawgiver, it seems we are now determined to blot out even the faintest memory of the good, noble, and true path He graciously gave us to walk. All around us, voices cry out that we are “worth it,” that we are powerful, capable, and strong  . . .  as long as we turn our backs on “quaint” notions like homekeeping, rearing our own children, preparing meals, demonstrating hospitality on a regular basis, and showing respect and honor to our husbands. It seems in today’s world, a woman can be fulfilled in any way  . . . as long as that way doesn’t involve her own home or family.

At the same time, we are bombarded with the utterly false idea that women can “have it all”—the happy marriage, motherhood, and full-time career— all at the same time. But none of us can do this. We simply cannot be in two places at once, concentrating our full attention on the demands of a career while also giving our all to husbands, children, home, and church. Common sense should confirm this, but we seem to have rejected common sense along with god’s perfect will for families. Instead of ruling in our own sphere, we have become slaves in another’s. The loss to our civilization has been devastating, for without home-building wives and mothers, culture disintegrates.

Queen of the Home reminds us of our birthright as women, and it is a rich and beautiful one. In the beginning, god set Adam and Eve as king and queen over creation. They were designed to complement one another. It wasn’t good for man to be alone, as god Himself stated. Man needed woman to complete him as his perfect helper. Without woman, godly dominion simply could not take place. With his helper, Adam could tend and keep the garden, drawing on Eve’s gifts and abilities, and be fruitful as god commanded. The Fall harmed that perfect union and distorted the mysterious and holy marriage relationship, but Christ’s finished work on the cross redeems us from the Fall and calls us back to co-laboring as husbands and wives, each with important roles to fulfill as we serve the lord. In turn, our laboring together in harmony presents a picture of Christ and His bride, the Church. What a glorious calling!

Jennifer McBride has given us a powerful dose of inspiration and vision in this volume. I am thankful for her willingness to put it together, and I look forward to sharing it with family and friends. I pray you will be blessed as you enjoy these pages and meditate on the importance of the amazing, multi-faceted role god has given you. You are queen of your home! May your home reflect the glory and goodness of the god Who placed you there.

Jennie Chancey At home,
May 2011

Teaching to the Future

Tags

blue pill, femininity, masculinity, teach the future

In case any of you missed this amazing post by M3, please go read it now.  It’s an incredibly poignant post of his younger years and what happened to him in following all of his blue pill teachings.  All of us have been brought up with blue pill thinking to some degree.  Men are taught to be sensitive and nice.  They are taught that their masculinity is something that must be hidden away and buried.  That it is somehow . . . wrong.  Read his post to see the horrible effects of this feminist thinking.

Women are taught to embrace our sexuality, to have fun, and that, no matter what, Mr. Right will someday appear to sweep us off our feet with no preparation on our part, whatsoever.  The effect can be seen in so many articles written by highly educated, career successful, yet sad women.

M3, thank God, got angry.  Very angry, and from that, his masculinity came forth and changed his life (from the post, I think it even saved his life).  It is time we start teaching our children the truth, that men and women are different and it is these very differences that attract us to each other.  It makes men neither brutes nor savages and it makes women neither simpering weaklings nor ornamental.  Men are given the gift of masculinity and women the gift of femininity to do with what we choose.  We can use them selfishly or selflessly and we mustn’t take away those gifts away any longer.

Being a Husband

Tags

duty, goals, husband, masculinity, the pedestal

Commenter Me has requested a concise post on being a husband.  While the post isn’t concise, the list is.  The path to becoming a husband very much starts with one’s path to becoming a man.

Have a Goal

I’ve seen this referred to as having a mission, a path, one’s life’s work.  Whatever you choose to call it, it boils down to deciding what you want to make out of your life and pursuing that goal without apology.  This should be what drives you and it should be your main focus.  A man is able to reach a goal in many different ways and his path is completely up to him.  Some men decide to stay single and pursue their goals on their own, doing everything that is required to make it happen (including all the daily chores that must be done: food, laundry, cleaning, et cetera).  Some men do well enough to hire out help so they can spend more time pursuing their goals and some men choose to find a woman who will help him reach his ultimate goal (this is often called a helpmate).  For those men who wish to marry the need to complete his task must never be replaced.  It must never be lost.  The woman he chooses is there to help him with this task and to complete his mission.  For the women reading this, if you’re new to this, you might be thinking “What about my goals?”  This is one of the reasons why I said you will want to think about what you want at a young age.  You do have the option to pursue your goals unapologetically in this day, just like a man.  The so called “good men” are mostly looking for a helper in their lives.  If you have goals that you truly wish to pursue, you may not ever marry or you may marry a man whom you have difficulty respecting.  As I’ve said before, you can’t have it all and there are decisions that must be made.  Once they’ve been, they must be accepted.  They are yours and yours alone to take responsibility for.

Choose Wisely

A man looking for a wife must choose her deliberately.  Finding a good wife is going to both hinder you and help you in completing your mission.  You will be responsible for another person now and presumably for more people down the road.  Your goal might morph a bit, but it will still be whole.  You must choose a woman who is willing and happy to help you pursue it.  Keep in mind that she is likely to have some things in her life that she wants to complete as well.  Are these things compatible or are they something she is willing to put off for a while?  If not, you must keep in mind that if you change your goal, if you pursue her goals instead of yours , she will very likely lose respect for you and resent you while not really understanding why.   You will have put her above yourself.

The woman you choose should have equal worth to you.  That not to say she is your equal in every way (men and women are too different to be equal.  What we each tend to pursue from life is too different to truly compare).  She can have equal worth in your marriage (and society) while you, the husband, remain the leader.  What she offers must be somehow comparable and complimentary to what you offer (her ability to have children, remain loyal, be beautiful, care for you and help you in reaching your goal).  If she does not have equal worth, if she cannot bring to the marriage things that are comparable to what you are offering her, then she is likely not worth your commitment.

That’s the ground work:  determine your path, begin working toward whatever end you’ve discerned is right, and find your compliment (since the assumption for this post is that marriage is desired).  With this understood, we can move on to the requested list of actions that will lead to a state of good husbandry.

Attend to your Duty

If a man chooses to marry he has a duty to his family.  He has an obligation to care for and protect them.  If you choose your wife carefully, she will likely inspire this from you and it won’t feel so much like an obligation.  It will be something you wish to give to her.  You must keep in mind that you are securing her and your family.  There will be things that you will choose to do that will not make her happy.  This security is not about her happiness.  It’s about your duty to your family.  You must decide and follow through with what must be done.  If she is unhappy about some aspect of it, as long as you know that you are doing right by your family, her unhappiness is of no concern to you (if, however, she voices a reasonable concern you should listen.  The final decision lies with you).  As an example, with hurricane Sandy recently rolling through our area Maritus had some serious concerns for our well being.  It was his duty to ensure our safety both during the storm and in the aftermath.  As he is quite prepared for most situations, all we had to do to prepare for the storm was a regular grocery shopping trip, pick up a bit of extra water, some goodies for the kids and some kerosene.  We had everything else we needed for warmth, food, cooking, hydration, communication, power, et cetera.  What else could I ask for during a storm that bad?  He provided everything we needed while I helped out with some of the grocery shopping and remembered a couple small things we might need.  If the storm had been worse in our area, I would have been in charge of the food, cooking, some of the heat issues, and keeping the children entertained while he would have been in charge of the more dangerous aspects of a storm like that.

Make Every Big Decision

You are the leader of the house.  All of the major decisions are yours to make.  Make those decisions, own them, and then get out of the way.  You are providing the dwelling  and the structure of your family and your wife will be providing the details.  All of the detail decisions are hers to make so that you can focus on your goal.  You are there to break the tie or to help her through some of the other decisions she may need help with, but mostly you are there to lead through the major things.  I do suggest not leaving your wife out of any of the major decisions.  She is there to help you and those decisions will affect her as well.  Also, she will likely have some major input to give you that you may not even be aware of (this happens a lot at our house, especially when it comes to homeschooling.  I teach the kids and am the most knowledgable about the whole aspect of it.  Any major decision that needs to be made about it is on Maritus.   However the decision can’t be made without my input as he does not have all of the necessary information on his own).

Follow your Interests

Once you have fulfilled your duty and made the major decisions, follow your interests and do it unapologetically.  You now have time to do what you’re interested in and can do it without guilt.  Your family will follow.  You are masculine and you will attract the feminine.  She will want to go where you go.

Put Her on a Pedestal

Now wait!  Men, come back and listen.  It’s not what you think.  Put her on a pedestal of your own making.  Not one that is above you, but one that you’ve created in your own dwelling.  You put her there not to worship her, but because you have said she is worthy.  You are the king of your dwelling and you have gone down into the peasantry and chosen a Queen.  You are lifting her up to help you in your life and in turn she will help you and will likely inspire you to be more than you thought you could be.  If she does that for you, she deserves the respect and admiration for it.  Worship, no.  You are the leader and will forever remain so, but if your wife is your helpmate, if she inspires your masculinity, helps you strive for more, brings love, comfort and loyalty to your life she deserves a high place within it.  Not above you and not on par (remember, we are too different to be equals – in the very fact that you are lifting her up there cannot be equality) but a definitive place within your life.

I know that this might strike a foul chord with many of the men here.  The idea is she goes on that pedestal when you say she does, when you deem her worthy.  The choice is always yours.  For example, you don’t buy things for her because someone told you to or because she expects it (Valentine’s Day, Anniversary).  You buy her things for the simple reason that you want to.  In being feminine and providing for you she will inspire a happiness in you that you wish to reward.  You don’t place her there for any reason beyond the fact that you have deemed that she should be there.  Earning this place in a man’s heart, knowing that he dotes on you for the simple reason that he deems you worth it and not because he is attempting to manipulate happiness, or because someone told him that is the thing to do is a very powerful thing.  The proper place for this pedestal should remain under the husband’s umbrella.  It is a place that a woman will strive to stay as she will know that the minute she fails she will be removed.

A Word about Looks

A lot has been said about how women are more exacting in what they are looking for in look from a man and when we are looking a photographs I would agree.  When a man’s looks are all that we have to go by we will be very precise in the wide shoulders and chest with a small waist and a good strong face that draw so many of us.  However, in my opinion,  masculinity will trump looks every time.  Will good looks help a man get his foot in the door much faster?  Yes.  In a marriage is a woman going to be more primally attracted to a well muscled and healthy man?  Yes.  But the will be most attracted to his masculinity and his looks will be a nice bonus only.  I do suggest staying in good shape, even excellent shape.  However, not only will your wife enjoy it, muscles and the difficult work that is entailed in obtaining them enhance a man’s masculinity in a very specific way.  It brings a confidence that can be palpable.

If a man brings these things to the table of marriage he will have a good and strong one with a wife who will work hard to remain on the pedestal he has created, and she will love him.

The Rock of Masculinity

Tags

education, masculinity, men

I started taking notes on this post nearly a month ago and it is something I have had in mind for a very long time.  Only, I could not get my thoughts straight enough on this topic to be comfortable attempting to post on it.  I had been thinking about it for most of the weekend, decided it was time to attack it, but had still been apprehensive about it when, lo and behold, Rollo posted this gem today (read the comments as well, as some are very relevant to my point).  From the post:

Hypergamy wants an optimized state.

Yes.  Yes it does.  Hypergamy (or concupiscence?  I am still working on that one, but I think so) not only wants it, but demands it.  When this state is reached by a woman  there is nothing that will stop her from loving that man and she will do almost anything (and in some cases, anything) to be with he who gives this to her.

There is a lot of talk around the manosphere about how a woman will take a man for half his worth, the house, the kids, everything, and it obviously happens (and happens too often).  One can read personal stories of this happening at just about every site out there.  What one rarely hears about are those women who can’t even fathom doing this.  It is anathema to even consider it for a moment.  There is talk of these women being “red pill” or the “good ones,” and while their personalities obviously make a difference, what one does not often read is the reason these women will never leave;  that these women not only love, but willingly dote, serve and submit to their husbands and are extraordinarily happy to do it.  The reason these women are happy is because, overwhelmingly, their husbands are overtly masculine.  They are the rocks that their wives will cling to and give everything to prop up.

This manliness is quite separate from what many understand Game to be, as one doesn’t often hear about these men being overly concerned with whether or not they were able to neg effectively or whether or not they passed a fitness test.  What they are concerned with is their goal.  What is important to them is attaining that goal and surrounding themselves with people who will help them reach that goal (and not allowing those who will not into their lives). Game is not a concern to them as they know who they are on such profound level that it’s simply unimportant.  He is Man and that’s all anyone needs to know.  Now, that being said, I am not dismissing Game as I think that given how men are blatantly taught to be effeminate today that it is an effective tool for one striving to reach this state of Man.  I may not agree with all it’s applications (spinning plates, P and D, et cetera), but it is a tool for men to use in their growth in becoming Man.

These Men who achieve this have a power over women that I don’t think many men yet fully understand.  There is still a lot of talk of the risks of divorce and what a women is state sanctioned to do to her husband.  Yet, for a woman lucky enough to be married to man like this, leaving him for any amount of money is inconceivable.  I’ve been told “that word does not mean what you think it means“, but for her what she would lose is far more valuable than anything she could ever take from him.

If one reads the various sites on a regular basis, one sees more and more evidence of this type of masculinity.  Masculinity that is there for itself and for it’s own purposes (this sounds selfish, though it does not have to be.  The purpose is often higher than the man).   Many of these men have stated that they are going their own way, not so much out of giving up but rather they refuse to settle.  They have a list of things that MUST be in a woman and they simply have not found a girl to match it yet.  As a man like this is very enticing to women if and when he does choose, the women around him will notice and take note of whom he chose.  “Who is she, what is it about her that drew him to her, what qualities does she posses that I might lack?”.  Other women will take note and some will try to figure out what they can do to attract a man of the same caliber (while other will deride the woman that was chosen, it is inevitable and has always been).

My point in all of this is that the strength and draw of strong masculinity on women still seems to be vastly underrated.  There are often comments of how men will never marry because the thought of gaming their wives every day for the rest of their lives is simply overwhelming.  It is not that one need game his wife everyday for the rest of his life, it’s that he must be a man everyday for the rest of his life.  It’s not something that he must do for her, to make her happy or to make her tingle.  It is something he must do for himself because he is MAN.  For this reason and for no other.

***This is not a plea to Man-Up Bill Bennet style.  Rather, it’s a call for men to embrace what God has given them for mens’ own sakes.  People in your lives may have taught you untruths, untruths that were embraced unquestioningly, but your masculinity is an extremely large part of who you are.  Your education may have mislead you but you can educate yourself to the truth.

Robert M Hutchins writing about the crisis of the West’s education in that it is too specialized:

 . . . and in view of the urgent need for unity and community, it does not seem an exaggeration to say that the present crisis calls first of all for an education that shall emphasize those respects in which men are the same, rather than those in which they are different.  The West needs an education that draws out our common humanity rather than our individuality . . .

In this connection we might recall the dictum of Rousseau: ‘It matters little to me whether my pupil is intended for the army, the church, or the law.  Before his parents chose a calling for him, nature called him to be a man . . . When he leaves me, he will be neither a magistrate, a soldier, nor a priest; he will be a man.’

Men may not have Rousseau to turn to today, but these truths are out there to be found and used to become the Man you choose to be.

Differences in Doting

Tags

appreciation, doting, femininity, masculinity, respect, work

Just Visiting and Geisha Kate brought up a good point in It’s the Little Things ~ III.  Just Visiting had this to say:

Unfortunately, sometimes there is little sympathy to be found if the wife also works. A “What about me? I work too and have to deal with stuff” attitude. And , I think this underlies a lot of what’s going wrong with marriages these days.

Geisha Kate backs this up:

I believe it is harder to appreciate a spouse when one is also working and perhaps bringing home the same paycheck. . . .

But the point is, when both people are coming home tired, who is there to play “wife.” Now add in children. Each progression adds new complications. It is no wonder so many marriages are breaking down. A couple needs to have a finely tuned and fair system so that each person feels appreciated for what they do, whatever that may be.

I agree that things are going to be a bit different in a household where both the husband and wife work.  Only, the dynamic in contributing to the marriage has to be different for women than it will be for men. A man cannot dote on his wife in the same manner I describe in the Little Things posts.  The actions can be the same (a glass of wine, quiet time, baking a chicken, etc.) but it must come from a different place.  It must come from a place of leadership and masculinity.  Not a place of appeasement or supplication.  If he does it because she is angry, or because she has hinted at “do this for me because you love me”, or for any reason beyond the masculine, she will resent him for it. Maybe not right away, but if it is ongoing, she will. What is so very difficult is she might not even know why. She is getting what she thinks she wants and yet it is steadily making her more and more unhappy. A man must dote from a place of masculinity and received respect.  He must dote because he wants to.  This masculine dynamic goes back to The Power of Men and Women.

It can be very difficult to maintain focus without our men standing behind us and truly appreciating what we are doing.  But when we see the smile of true appreciation, everything we are doing makes sense and it is all worth while. Put all that on the pedestal.

Men should dote from a place that says “I appreciate how you are helping to support me and our marriage.”  If it comes from a place of supplication, a place of “if I don’t do this she will be angry” it’s not masculine and it will fail.  Men who dote from a place of power, of masculinity, will be highly appreciated and respected.  It will also inspire more femininity and her desire to dote on you.  Conversely, a woman should dote from place of support and love.  A feminine and submissive place (never subservient.  One cannot fully support in this manner).  She dotes to help re-energize her man so he can relax and regain his strength, as tomorrow he must go out and do battle again.  These two different dynamics are very different and if both try to come from the same place, things will fall apart.

When both the husband and wife are working it will be harder but it can be done.  There will always be days where the stress gets to be too much and one will forget what one’s spouse is bringing to the table. It is inevitable as we can only ever know what we have done. Both spouses need to understand this.  If the wife came home from a horrible day of work he might approach it in this manner “You’re beat and you’re stressed.  I’ve got the table and the dishes.  Take this wine, go upstairs and take a bath.”  If she protests (and she likely will) give her the look (you know of what I speak) and firmly with that twinkle in your eye “No objections.  Go.”

The wife, upon knowing her husband had a horrible day,  can grab him a drink after dinner.  Tell him (sweetly) to go grab a book, watch the game, etc. and do your best to keep the kids quiet. Give him the time he needs to unwind without guilt.  Give him a warm smile and kiss on the cheek.  Send him off with “Let me know if I can bring you anything” and let him crash.  There are a million things, working or not, that take little time most days, and some more effort on bad days, to make one’s wife feel appreciated and that makes one’s husband feel loved and respected.  The effort is worth it and often the effort will be responded to with masculinity and appreciation from the man and femininity and love from a woman, when it is done right.

***My apologies for the lack of posts lately.  It’s allergy season and I get hit hard every year.  I really want to begin to tackle concupiscence that Matthew King wrote about in the Welcome to Hypergamy post but I am definitely not up for that level of thinking right now.