A Woman in Love

Tags

confidence, femininity, love, respect, submission

I have been wanting to write a post for some time now on submission.  On how far too many people today view submission as letting the man have his way in everything, that if one is submissive it automatically means the woman is a doormat.  It’s not all that easy to write and given that since well before Christmas at least one person has been sick in our house (give or take a few days) continuously, I haven’t been able to put it together as I had hoped.  Then, a few days ago, commenter Kate asked:

This reminds me of something the Baroness said to Maria in the Sound of Music. (Excuse the cheesy reference.) She said something along the lines of “There is nothing so irresistable to a man as a woman in love with him.”

I’m inclined to believe this is true from my experiences as well as those of other women I know, but HOW does one show this without coming off as a doormat with a man who has options? Any advice?

Given the views of many people today, it’s an understandable question.  Shortly after I read this question I came across this piece from Matt Forney (I can’t remember where I found the link, though.  Heads up, too, as Matt is not shy about his language or content, but he’s good).  I think this post answer’s Kate’s question very well.  There are two key words in it: femininity and confidence.

Michelle Jenneke oozes with [femininity]. Her youthful beauty, her exuberance, her aura: these aren’t things that can be faked. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution have honed men’s tastes for sweet, submissive, complimentary women. As much as feminists  . . . . wail about “social conditioning,” when it comes down to brass tacks, all men want the same thing.

Not only that, Michelle Jenneke has something else that few American/Western women possess: confidence.

Read the rest of his piece as he goes on to explain that so many women mistake their shields as confidence.  Only those shields actually betray their insecurities.  A woman with real confidence has no reason for these shields and Michelle Jenneke oozes this in spades.

So, back to Kate’s question . . . How does a woman show love without coming across as a doormat?  The first thing I think women in this position need to realize is that showing this love might very well come across to other women (and some men) as being a doormat.  It does not matter what they think.  Have the confidence and the fortitude to show this love anyway.  You may get some very unexpected comments.  Some good and some bad.  They don’t matter.  What does matter is your man’s perception and what is important to him.

Now, in my experience, men do not care for doormats, either.  At least not in the dominate men we are attracted to.  (remember dominance and domineering are different as a domineering man may very well seek out a true doormat).  This is where confidence is really key.  The difference between a confident, feminine woman is that she wants to care for her man.  She wants to love him, be with him, serve him, cook for him, be pretty, et cetera.  It is not something he makes her do or that she does for the sole purpose of hanging on to him.  It is her choice and something she relishes and has fun doing.  She strives to be good at it, not only for him, but for her.   She is also very confident in her very femininity regardless of what others may think. She likes to dress in nice clothes, wear her hair long, wear makeup.  She knows there is a line outside the home between pretty/beautiful and way too much skin.  She also knows that inside the home, that line is very different.

There is another big key to all of this and that is respect.  Commenter Phedre stated it thus:

1- always keeping her respect for her man foremost in her heart, so all of her actions for him and around him stem from that feeling. Respect/appreciation are a crucial aspect of how men understand love. It’s foreign to women’s nature though, so we have to keep consciously put it to the forefront and work actively to keep it there. All the actions that flow out of that feeling will show him that she loves him the way he wants to be loved.

2- It’s in the eyes. This is secondary to the first point, because no matter how much love is in her gaze, if her actions don’t support it he will ultimately feel unloved. But when the behaviour is right, letting your love overflow into your gaze as you look at him can be a very powerful thing. They’re flashes that show him the full depth of your feeling.

A women in submission to a man she loves will almost automatically convey respect in most everything she does.  I don’t think a woman really can respect a man without being submissive to him.  I also don’t think a woman can respect a man and be a doormat at the same time.  A doormat, a woman who does as she is told out of fear, does not have respect for a man.  She can’t as her fear stands in the way.  Both the man and the woman may mistake her fear for respect but they are two very different things.

What I have found is, through this confidence and love stems something that many women strive for from the men in their lives but can never quite reach. Respect returned.  But far better than that respect is a man who is in love . . . with you.

***Now, I realize I didn’t answer all of Kate’s question, namely the how.  That is the truly hard part.  Each person needs to find for themselves their own confidence.  The particulars of love and respect are going to stem from this confidence and the particulars of each couple.  I welcome ideas on where to start in the comments.

Being a Wife

Tags

beauty, husband, Marriage, respect, wife

I realize that this has all been said many times.  However, it bears repeating and going into some detail as many women still think simply being female is enough to warrant having a husband.  It’s not.

No one is entitled to a spouse, man or woman, just like no one is entitled to an Audi A8 or a position as CEO of a Fortune 500 Company.  Finding a man to spend the rest of your life with takes work and it also takes dedication.  Dedication must come before meeting the man and it will last through the courtship and through the rest of your marriage until (hopefully) death.  This dedication must start at a young age.  A girl needs to decide in her mid to early teens what she wants out of her life.  Does she want marriage or does she want a career?  She needs to understand the repercussions of these decisions and be steadfast to reach her goal.  There is no *All* for women (or men) to have.  If you choose marriage and family, you will be sacrificing some things.  If you choose career, you will also be sacrificing some things.

I want to talk here to those women who decide they want a marriage and family.  If you decide you want this for yourself I have compiled a list of things that most men are looking for in a wife (notice I said a wife.  The list is very different for men looking for a quick fling).

Be Beautiful

Beauty is what a man is going to notice first.  It is how a woman looks that will first draw attention.  He needn’t say a word to a woman to know whether or not he finds her attractive.  Beauty is necessary for any woman attracting a man, whether it be a one night thing or a relationship.  Too many women confuse this idea that he should be attracted to personality before deciding relationship status but this is simply not how men are wired.  Intrinsically we know this (or women would not dress like this on Halloween or any other night of the year)

I know that not all women are endowed with natural beauty.  We do all have, however, a base with which to work from.  Learn how to apply makeup and enhance your best features, stay or get yourself thin, workout (not just cardio either.  You need some muscle so learn how to lift weights), find a hairstyle that enhances your face and keep it long, stand up straight (This is hard.  Women, as a whole, slouch and it’s not attractive.  Try standing up straight and you automatically set yourself on a different level than most women.  It takes some time to get used to and your back muscles will likely even get sore after a while, but keep it up.  It changes your entire look), find some feminine clothes that fit.  Those baggy sweaters are comfortable, sure (Your talking to the queen of baggy sweaters here.  While in college, I had friends be sincerely surprised at how thin I was because I always wore baggy sweaters.  You can dress in a feminine way without looking promiscuous) but they hide your best features.  Same with sweatpants.  Don’t do it.

Find someone that you trust to help you out with all of this if you need it.  Someone whom you trust to tell you the truth about how you look and what needs to change.  You would be surprised at how much some women in some department stores love to help women out, as well.  Some stores will even give you an appointment to help with your wardrobe and I know that they would give makeup and hair opinions as well.

Learn to Cook

Look, cooking is not hard.  It’s really not.  It simply takes practice like anything else you set out to learn.  If you learned to play the clarinet in highschool, you can learn to cook. You are going to make mistakes.  I daresay, a good cook has to make mistakes to become that good cook.  You aren’t going to learn the hotspots of your stove, pans, and oven without mistakes.  You’re not going to learn how to cook a rare or well done steak without making mistakes and you’re also never going to learn what you love in a recipe and what you hate without making mistakes.  If you burn one meal, figure out why (heat too high? didn’t flip soon enough? wrong pan? etcetera) and then next time make the fix.  A woman doesn’t become a good cook over night.  It is something she has learned by making many, many mistakes and learning why so she doesn’t make them again.  Don’t be scared to cook because you are afraid of doing it wrong.  You will do it wrong, but you won’t make the same mistake next time.

If you can cook, but you have this idea in your head that you shouldn’t have to for a man because he should cook for himself then don’t be surprised if a man passes you for someone else.  This idea that a wife caring for a man has somehow become a mother to him is beyond absurd.  A woman goes into a marriage expecting security and comfort from her husband.  There is no reason that a man shouldn’t expect the same from his wife.  Men love food.  It brings them comfort in a way that few other things can.  If you aren’t willing to provide this comfort, then you cannot be upset that he settles down with another woman who will.  (Also, ladies, make man-food for your husband.  Maybe not every night, but from time to time, trust me, he needs it.  I will be going into this further in an upcoming post).

Be Sweet

A man doesn’t want to marry his boss.  He already has one of those or is one most days of the year.  He wants a woman who is pleasant, who asks for things rather than demands them and who speaks in a respectful tone of voice.  Don’t nag.  It’s unbecoming and it’s annoying.  If you married a very masculine man you aren’t going to get anywhere with it anyway as he will ignore you, laugh in your face, or tell you, in no uncertain way, to knock it off.  You will get more with honey than with vinegar.

Know your value

Commenter Carlotta at Alpha Game explained this to her daughters in an excellent way:

I showed them some jewelery that I was saving for them to wear on special occasions when they are older. I then told them that they had to wait to wear it, but every single other person I could find would get to wear it, break it, steal a piece and throw it in the mud…but eventually they would get the diamond necklace.

Neither wanted it.

“Good, that is how a good man will feel about a women who has let every Tom, Dick and Harry feel up her goods around town.”

Message received.

Feminism may teach that women can be promiscuous like a man without consequences.  That doesn’t make it true.  Men want to marry the gem with the highest clarity.  If you wish to marry, decide at a young age and keep your necklace gleaming.  It won’t be easy and no one can guarantee you will marry because you waited.  This is what men want from a wife, however, and it is a gift worth giving.   You, your marriage, and your husband will benefit from it.

Be Loyal

You need to demonstrate loyalty.  Marriage is a loosing proposition for men both legally and in what women are currently bringing to the table.  You can’t singlehandedly change the legalities of marriage but you can demonstrate loyalty.  If all your girlfriends are going for a girls night out to a bar, tell them no.  Do not flirt with other men.  Make it clear that you understand the risk of marriage by being open to a prenup and/or a marriage that wouldn’t be considered legal (a religious ceremony only).  Don’t make the wedding a big deal and be fine with just a wedding band or a ring from a pawn shop.  This shows loyalty in that you are making it clear you are in this for a marriage and not a wedding.  The wedding day is a couple of hours of flowers and a pretty dress.  The only truly important thing about it are the vows.  The marriage is for life and you need to know this in your bones when you say the vows.  They are taken to last a lifetime.

Be Warm and Compassionate

You need to do this by keeping a warm and inviting home, but more than that you have to be warm and inviting yourself.  Figure out the difference of when something needs to be said about something your husband might have done and when to simply let it go.  If he comes home from a crummy day at work and snaps at you, let it go.  It’s work talking and not your husband.  There is no reason to draw attention to it.  Give him some time to relax and say nothing about it (don’t draw attention to it through your behavior, either.  Move on like nothing happened).  If something more serious is going on and it needs to be address, address it in a calm and direct manner.  You both can’t deal with it if you are changing the subject to something else, yelling, crying, etcetera.  Deal with that one thing and move on.  Also, and this is big, once it’s been dealt with, it’s over.  It is not fodder to bring up another time to throw in his face.  It’s in the past.  Leave it there.

Be Fun

Men love to be around women who like to have fun and who laugh a lot.  Don’t fake giggle to draw attention, but have a good time and laugh like you mean it.

Give Him Respect

You need to respect your man and you need to feel it down to your toes.  This is not the same as feeling comfortable in his warmth and security.  This respect can actually be a little uncomfortable.  With this respect comes the knowledge that you will do things for him that might make you very uncomfortable.  Things like not calling him out in public even if you feel embarrassed or angry, not saying bad things about him to your girlfriends when they are saying awful things about their men, doing something that he has requested you do even though your friends and family may disagree.  Respect is key in a strong marriage and it’s not always warm and fuzzy.

Be Appreciative

Just as you will be sacrificing things to be in a marriage, realize that so will he.  Very likely, he will be sacrificing more than you in many cases.  Notice what he does for you, what he has given up, and what he is giving.  Thank him for it!  Don’t do it just once, either.  It’s not something that should be done everyday as it would get annoying, but every once in a while take a moment and think about what he is doing for you and tell him that you have noticed.   Leave a note in his briefcase, make him his favorite meal, or buy a beautiful nightgown.  It’s important that you realize what he’s doing and that he knows you realize it.

Be Affectionate

When a man has decided he wants to be in a relationship, things change for him.  Most men are perfectly capable of having no string attached sex, but once they enter into a relationship sex and physical affection become necessary.  Touch is how a great deal of men understand love.  Never, ever withhold sex or your affection and use it to purchase what you want.  There are a few occasions that Athol would go into at his site where this might be wise, but those reasons are few and far between.  If you want the porch fixed, for goodness sake, don’t tell him you are not going to sleep with him until it’s done.   Your love and affection are not up for sale and are not a bargaining chip.  He deserves them because he is your husband.

Be Supportive

A husband needs and deserves his wife’s support.  He needs it to get through a tough spell at work, to get through a death in the family, to get through sickness, job loss and a thousand other big and little things that he might go through.  Be there for him, always.

__________________________________________________________________

I realize that there are probably more things that I could discuss, but these really get at the heart of what men want and deserve from a wife.  A good marriage is not a one way street where it simply falls into a woman’s lap and she ends up with a ring on her finger.  It is something that must be worked at before, during and after the wedding.  It is something that must be worked at until death during the hard times and during the good times.  Things going smoothly does not mean that it’s time to let go and become complacent.  It means that it’s time to figure out how to make it even better.

Differences in Doting

Tags

appreciation, doting, femininity, masculinity, respect, work

Just Visiting and Geisha Kate brought up a good point in It’s the Little Things ~ III.  Just Visiting had this to say:

Unfortunately, sometimes there is little sympathy to be found if the wife also works. A “What about me? I work too and have to deal with stuff” attitude. And , I think this underlies a lot of what’s going wrong with marriages these days.

Geisha Kate backs this up:

I believe it is harder to appreciate a spouse when one is also working and perhaps bringing home the same paycheck. . . .

But the point is, when both people are coming home tired, who is there to play “wife.” Now add in children. Each progression adds new complications. It is no wonder so many marriages are breaking down. A couple needs to have a finely tuned and fair system so that each person feels appreciated for what they do, whatever that may be.

I agree that things are going to be a bit different in a household where both the husband and wife work.  Only, the dynamic in contributing to the marriage has to be different for women than it will be for men. A man cannot dote on his wife in the same manner I describe in the Little Things posts.  The actions can be the same (a glass of wine, quiet time, baking a chicken, etc.) but it must come from a different place.  It must come from a place of leadership and masculinity.  Not a place of appeasement or supplication.  If he does it because she is angry, or because she has hinted at “do this for me because you love me”, or for any reason beyond the masculine, she will resent him for it. Maybe not right away, but if it is ongoing, she will. What is so very difficult is she might not even know why. She is getting what she thinks she wants and yet it is steadily making her more and more unhappy. A man must dote from a place of masculinity and received respect.  He must dote because he wants to.  This masculine dynamic goes back to The Power of Men and Women.

It can be very difficult to maintain focus without our men standing behind us and truly appreciating what we are doing.  But when we see the smile of true appreciation, everything we are doing makes sense and it is all worth while. Put all that on the pedestal.

Men should dote from a place that says “I appreciate how you are helping to support me and our marriage.”  If it comes from a place of supplication, a place of “if I don’t do this she will be angry” it’s not masculine and it will fail.  Men who dote from a place of power, of masculinity, will be highly appreciated and respected.  It will also inspire more femininity and her desire to dote on you.  Conversely, a woman should dote from place of support and love.  A feminine and submissive place (never subservient.  One cannot fully support in this manner).  She dotes to help re-energize her man so he can relax and regain his strength, as tomorrow he must go out and do battle again.  These two different dynamics are very different and if both try to come from the same place, things will fall apart.

When both the husband and wife are working it will be harder but it can be done.  There will always be days where the stress gets to be too much and one will forget what one’s spouse is bringing to the table. It is inevitable as we can only ever know what we have done. Both spouses need to understand this.  If the wife came home from a horrible day of work he might approach it in this manner “You’re beat and you’re stressed.  I’ve got the table and the dishes.  Take this wine, go upstairs and take a bath.”  If she protests (and she likely will) give her the look (you know of what I speak) and firmly with that twinkle in your eye “No objections.  Go.”

The wife, upon knowing her husband had a horrible day,  can grab him a drink after dinner.  Tell him (sweetly) to go grab a book, watch the game, etc. and do your best to keep the kids quiet. Give him the time he needs to unwind without guilt.  Give him a warm smile and kiss on the cheek.  Send him off with “Let me know if I can bring you anything” and let him crash.  There are a million things, working or not, that take little time most days, and some more effort on bad days, to make one’s wife feel appreciated and that makes one’s husband feel loved and respected.  The effort is worth it and often the effort will be responded to with masculinity and appreciation from the man and femininity and love from a woman, when it is done right.

***My apologies for the lack of posts lately.  It’s allergy season and I get hit hard every year.  I really want to begin to tackle concupiscence that Matthew King wrote about in the Welcome to Hypergamy post but I am definitely not up for that level of thinking right now.

What’s In a Man?

Tags

respect

Deti and I had a short conversation at Dalrock’s the other day regarding the respect a woman holds for her husband.  Deti had this to say (edited for this post.  Click the link to see the conversation unedited):

Women respect and love men not because of who the men are, but for what men can do for them.

A wife respects a husband not because of the man he is, but for what he does for her.

A wife respects a husband not because of who he is, but because he does what she wants him to do FOR HER.

So therefore, the converse must be true:

If he is unable to do for her what she wants, then he is not entitled to respect and in fact she is entitled to disrespect him.

If he does not do what she wants, then the husband is not entitled to respect and in fact she is entitled to disrespect him. . . .

This is depressing. Because I know at bottom, this is true. I know at her core, this is how my wife probably feels about me, too. I know deep down that if I weren’t the sole breadwinner in my home, my wife would probably be divorcing me now or shit testing me within an inch of my life. I know at their core, this is about how nearly all wives feel about their husbands.

This really got me thinking about respect and where it comes from.  I asked this:

You said that a woman will respect a man for what he does not by who he is. I am going to ask this and leave the “for her” part out (not because I disagree with this but because my question doesn’t have to do with this part of it): Is not who a man is defined by what he does? I don’t care about the for her part, I’m just talking in general. How does one know who a man is without observing what he does?

To which Deti responded:

Not entirely. A man is also what he believes as manifested by what he says and does. A man is also what he speaks, because to a man, words mean things and men generally say what they mean and mean what they say. A man is also his past experiences.

But the “for her” part cannot be divorced from this analysis. A woman observes a man’s conduct and the sum total of his parts for the purpose of coopting him to serve her imperative. She assesses him to determine what he can do for her. She might not intend that. She might not be conscious of it. But make no mistake—she is doing just that.

I understand what Deti is saying and I think I agree with him, but I find that I still have several questions.  I’m still missing something that I can’t quite grasp.  Maybe it is as simple as I don’t believe a woman is entitled to disrespect her husband if he can’t do for her (I realize that this is what actually happens, but it’s not what should be), but I don’t think that’s it.

My first question then is, how does a man respect another man?  Is it in everything Deti said above?  What does it take one man to say/do/believe to garner another man’s respect?

Second, what of the respect a woman might feel for another man who is not overtly doing anything specifically for her?  The soldier who keeps her safe, (Thank you Danny and Dogsquat and any other military reading this) the boss, brother, father, or friend whom garners her respect yet directly provides her nothing tangible in the way a husband would?  Or is it that she still respects what these men provide even though they are provided in a less direct manner?

I think the key is in this sentence,

A man is also what he believes as manifested by what he says and does.

Many women will have difficulty believing what a man says, especially at the beginning of a relationship.  Many of us have been burned by men who said and did two very different things.  But, as we are talking about respect between a husband and a wife, I would think that this disconnect would be very rare.  I can’t get past the fact that, what a woman observes a man doing backs up everything he says, what his experiences are, are very much dependent on what he decided to do or not do in a given moment.  I originally said I didn’t care about the “for her” part because so often respect from a woman (respect that she feels, not necessarily respect that she pays because she knows she should) comes from seeing a man do what is necessary and right regardless of what she *thinks* is good for her.  What he does is simply right given the circumstances, what she thinks be damned.  Though, as I have said before, he is still doing for her as he is providing consistency and stability.  So, it is still coming back to what he is doing for her.    Maybe where my confusion lies is because so many man are doing for their wives (at least in provisionary terms) yet are still not getting the respect they deserve?

What about respect between women?  Is this any different?  I can think of a handful of women I respect and that comes from what I have seen them do.  This very much translates into who they are.  So . . . what is it that I am missing?

Respect

Tags

men, respect

A discussion has started at Dalrock’s this morning regarding respect and men (You can read the thread here.  This started close to the bottom of the comments).  One thing that beta men have been taught and have taken fully to heart is that they must respect women.  However, respect is not really what we want from a man.  Rather, it is not the main thing we want from a man.  It is icing on the cake, surely, but not what draws us to men.  A woman cannot feel respect for a man that that holds her higher than himself.  Indeed, it is difficult to feel respect for man that does not hold himself at least on par, or higher, than most of the others around him.

By holding one’s SO higher than himself he is in essence saying that I am not worthy of your greatness but I will prove to you that I will work hard to stay in your presence.  Nothing will breed contempt from a woman faster.  Not only has the woman been placed on a pedestal, she has also been put in charge.  She will take charge, as someone must, but she will resent it (though not realize why) and she will likely abuse it (which stems from the resentment).

A man must always respect himself above his wife.  Demonstrating this proves that he has the strength to care for her better than she can for herself.  He has the strength to not lose it during an emotional tirade (bonus if he has enough to laugh these off and simply walk away).  He has the strength to deny his wife something she thinks she desperately wants, but is actually not in her best interest.  He has the strength needed to tend to what the marriage needs before what she wants.

Respect is something that must be earned and she is not going to be outwardly happy during these times.  However, respect isn’t meant to breed happiness so much as it is to bring stability.  Her happiness depends on herself and no one else.

So, if one is to be the rock, one must stand firm in his self respect, dignity and strength. Otherwise he will be washed away in the storm.