The Private Man had a post up recently in which he discovers a blog by a woman who has flings with married men. She goes into reasons husbands might be unfaithful and one of the big reasons is lack of sex. He says:
The second reason is the sex and this is obvious. But to see it presented from the very woman the husband goes to gives it far more validity. Do married women not understand this?
I posted a comment there that I wish to reiterate and expand upon here. My answer, in short, is no. Women do not understand this, at least most do not. For a long time, I didn’t understand this either. Growing up in the 80’s and early 90’s, girls in my generation were very frequently taught that boys do not need sex. Do not let a boy tell you he needs it as it is a trick to get you to sleep with him. It’s just sex and this is something you need to guard yourself against. At the time, it seemed to make perfect sense. Teach girls that “It’s just sex” and they will guard their virginity and they will also try much harder to keep their partner count low (this was all before girls were taught that there partner count was irrelevant) so as not to be seen as promiscuous.
What we were not taught was that, to our husbands, sex is very important. Sex in a marriage translates to deep love and affection. To constantly reject sex for poor reasons (I have a headache . . . I’m just too tired tonight) is to reject ones husband. It’s not “just sex” anymore, rather it has become an act of giving and receiving love. For the first 2-3 years of my marriage I did not understand this. I was still under the impression that “It’s just sex” so what is the big deal here? We all know that men can have casual sex without attachment so sex can’t translate to love like it so often does for a woman, right? How very wrong I was. I was stunned (and ashamed) when Maritus told me how I had been rejecting him. I had no idea that men felt this way with the women they love.
Sex is a huge part of what bonds a marriage together. A man and a woman in love who live together, but don’t have sex might as well be brother and sister as this is how they are living. What sets apart the love between a husband and a wife and the love of men and women in any other loving relationship? Sex. (I need to start writing down the postings I read and get inspired from more. I read this idea at another site and I cannot remember where. I think it may have been Rollo Tomassi but commenting at another site? If any one does know, I would appreciate a link so the poster can receive credit for it). When you are in love with a man, it will never be “just sex” again and wives need to be very cognizant of that fact. To reject sex is to reject him and his love. And as demonstrated by Private Man’s post, a man constantly rejected in such a fashion just might look for sex and companionship from another woman. While adultery is wrong, when a woman constantly refuses sex, when she refuses her husband, she has abandoned her marriage. He, most definitely, is not entirely to blame for seeking solace and affection with another woman.