I’ve written a couple of posts at RPWi that I would like to share here. Here’s the first (with a couple of minor edits):
A common theme for women accepting red pill truths is to try brushing away, smashing down, or otherwise ignoring the feelings that are causing problems. Hypergamy, the desire to fitness test, wanting to talk out of insecurity, fear, the ever present hamster, etc. This causes problems because these things never go away. Sure, we can lessen their influence and in some cases make them very rare, but they never really go away.
Our desire to abolish these things, to get rid of them by pushing them down, makes sense. We are trying to stop these behaviors so why not ignore them instead because they aren’t doing us any good. However, in my experience, pushing these things away might work in the short term, but long term they always come back and they always tend to come back with a vengeance. When this happens things tend to boil over and we fail, sometime spectacularly, at the things we were trying so hard to improve at.
Here is what I discovered. When these feelings pop up, whatever they may be. Do not push them away and do not ignore them. Rather, feel them. Allow yourself to feel what you are wanting to feel. That doesn’t mean you have to react to that feeling, it just means accept what you are feeling because there are reasons they are there. Those reasons might not be rational, but there are reasons regardless.
Those feelings are your reality and pushing them away allows you to not have to face that reality. What worked for me was just allowing myself to feel these things and then making myself face what is causing them. Pushing them down, I never had to face the root cause. I never had to face my irrationality and my rationality. It made things easier in the short term. In the long run, things would blow up.
Facing these things head on, accepting that you are feeling fear, anger, frustration, etc. will give you the time and the reason to mull these things over and figure out why you are feeling them. Not just the everyday hamster, but actually the reason why that thing is running loose. It is very often not the reason we initially think it is.
Accepting what is going on in your head for what it is gives you the opportunity to face reality. This is a far more effective tool in ridding yourself of feelings you know you shouldn’t have rather than just trying to smash these feelings away. They are there for a reason. Until you figure out what that reason is, you will never just push them away to get rid of them.
This is good advice. Under another name, I’ve written (and likely will again) on the idea that trying to improve one’s self by denying one’s humanity is a recipe for disaster – or failure at least. Contra every PC moralism ever, there are things we are designed to be, and they can’t be removed. Their removal shouldn’t be even attempted. To be better humans, we must build on our natural structures. The dreaded flaws that naturally happen are rarely anything but strengths denied, abilities undisciplined, and potential left immature. The common flaws that happen unnaturally are, by my lights, mostly weaknesses celebrated or illusions stubbornly insisted upon – but that’s the PC side of things.
I’ve written (and likely will again) on the idea that trying to improve one’s self by denying one’s humanity is a recipe for disaster – or failure at least.
Exactly! This is a point I was trying to tangentially make in the Being Woman post. Trying to deny who we inherently are is depressing, difficult and confusing. I love how you put it: The dreaded flaws that naturally happen are rarely anything but strengths denied, abilities undisciplined, and potential left immature. and it’s converse is exactly as you said:The common flaws that happen unnaturally are, by my lights, mostly weaknesses celebrated or illusions stubbornly insisted upon – but that’s the PC side of things.
I can tell you this is how things have been for me. The strength I have found in embracing my femininity has been rather profound. It is something that I was taught over and over were weaknesses and yet my true weakness came from the things the world told me I should be.
If ever you’d like to expand on this and you’d like to put up a guest post, please don’t hesitate to ask. Tremendous comment.
Thank you, Stingray! Appreciation is always deeply appreciated, as you know. Odds are, I will at some point take you up on your offer, since I’ve been casting about for a way to put together the combination of observations I’ve noticed run in a pack of ideas – some Jung, some evo psych, some basic looking at people, including myself – into something coherent. Or coherent-ish, this being me (linear is hard). The results of all that are part of my way of seeing things now, with implications so politically incorrect that I can’t normally even describe the principles to completion. So yes, if I can compile it reasonably, I’d love to expand on it here at some point.
You are more than welcome too. Just to give you a heads up, I don’t get a fraction of the traffic I used to get (and even that wasn’t very much) because I write so little any more. But if you want to just get your ideas down and out there, please let me know.
Michael Kozaki said:
When these feelings pop up, whatever they may be. Do not push them away and do not ignore them. Rather, feel them. Allow yourself to feel what you are wanting to feel. That doesn’t mean you have to react to that feeling
Stingray, I am torn on this one. Because “what I think is what I feel” and “what I feel eventually becomes action”. This is basic NLP. Were I a woman with such feelings I wouldn’t embrace them but rather envision myself in whatever world I wanted and replace those feelings. Self talk and mental pictures work well here.
The mind can truly be controlled, just like a director can direct a movie to change what the viewer feels. You are right that undesired feelings never really “go away” but one can make them so faint and silly to a current mindset they become like memories from elementary school and have no more power anymore.
No having said all that, a strong-willed person does get results using your methods. I’ve done what you are talking about many times. NLP is just a shortcut and gets more enjoyable results. But most of my life I never knew NLP and so used the methods you explain (very well, BTW).
Because “what I think is what I feel” and “what I feel eventually becomes action”.
Yes, but when I wrote this I was specifically talking to women who KNOW what they are feeling is irrational and are trying very hard to figure out why and also trying to figure out how to stop acting on it.
Now, having said that, I had not given any thought to NLP. Is this like positive affirmations and the like. I could see where this could work, as well. However, I’m not convinced it would work as well? I don’t know enough about it. Here is what I am picturing. A positive affirmation or mental picture that I want, but one that is based on a lie. I see it based on a lie because the person hasn’t taken the time to figure out what the basis of the feelings truly is yet.
Please correct me if I’m wrong.
You are right that undesired feelings never really “go away” but one can make them so faint and silly to a current mindset they become like memories from elementary school and have no more power anymore.
Yes, this exactly! This is how much of what I used to experience feels now, but I had to acknowledge what I was feeling first. I just don’t know enough about NLP to have an opinion on how it would get to where you describe here. Maybe for some people positive mentality is what is needed and is enough.
Michael Kozaki said:
I just don’t know enough about NLP to have an opinion on how it would get to where you describe here.
I hate to use the term NLP because as science it’s a fraud (like religion is considered discredited by science). And a lot of freaks use NLP (& religion!) to con people by giving them false hope. I wish I had another term.
But I only mean controlling the mind via senses (images, words, touch, smell, or taste) to generate (or squash) the feelings that lead to (or prevent) the action I want. I have a tough time getting from thought to action, and NLP gets me doing things and bypassing the feelings that stall me.
Yes, it seems like telling lies (sort of like how faith seem like a lie) but all I care about is the results. YMMV. The only reason I mention it is that your description was so exact to how I used to overcome things (and yes your methods work, your description was the best I’ve seen of it) so I thought I’d try to give something back.
My personal weakness is lack of action and NLP (or whatever one calls it) kick-starts me in a way the prior method doesn’t. Again, YMMV, people are different.
Eh, I’m not in it for the traffic, so no fear. I’m used to small (nearly unnoticed) platforms where I can spew letters into the void: I’ve never even tried to market my online meanderings. Small as your audience may have become, it’s still a sizable one from my point of view. In any case, it’s discussion with who’s here that I’m interested in, yourself included.
But I only mean controlling the mind via senses (images, words, touch, smell, or taste) to generate (or squash) the feelings that lead to (or prevent) the action I want.
This is exactly what I thought you meant and how I took it.
Yes, it seems like telling lies
No. I wasn’t very clear. What I meant was, women have a way of lying to themselves. Not that the NLP would be the lie. I’m not sure NLP could work when a women is lying to herself about what the actual problem is underlying what she wants to change. I’m afraid it would just mask the actual problem. If it wouldn’t mask it, then I think it could be a great help. You and I have very similar difficulties: My personal weakness is lack of action and I have used the things you talk about to get myself going as well. It can work VERY well.
St. Thomas More Academy said:
“all I care about is the results.”
I’ve noticed this is a common theme for most people. Having lived around folks who are like this for the majority of my life, I have learned a lot about smashing down. It’s really not that bad an idea. It does prevent and solve many problems.
However, I would like to add a perspective — approach every relationship with each person in your life as a professional relationship, not as a personal one. Professional relationships always put your best foot forward and keep things on what I guess I could call an “always appropriate” level (for lack of a better word). You have a clear knowledge of just what the other person wants; when in doubt, ask for more clarification, but always in a professional tone, i.e., “I’m not exactly clear on what it is that you want. Would you please clarify this, that.” Follow with, “Thank you.” That’s it. Then just do it. If they thank you, then, “You’re welcome.” That’s it. Stay professional. No extra words that aren’t necessary. Keep your personal feelings out of it.
This is, in my opinion, a far better way to handle pretty much anybody under any circumstances. You aren’t emotional, you just state facts. Shove ’em down. They are not important and you will only get yourself in tangles with emotions. It makes a huge difference in your life.
Again, this is only my opinion. Others may believe differently.
St. Thomas More Academy said:
“Were I a woman with such feelings I wouldn’t embrace them but rather envision myself in whatever world I wanted and replace those feelings. Self talk and mental pictures work well here.”
Way easier said than done, especially when the folks with whom these “feelings” originated has not only not stopped doing certain things, but also has absolutely no intention of stopping and you know they don’t. This is why I mentioned professional behavior, as shown above. These aren’t invalid negative feelings as much as it is reaction to the possibilities that you know exist, and building walls accordingly. The ideal thing to do is face things as they are, acknowledge that the people will not change unless they choose to do so, and realign your life to accomodate the situation with those people as they are. Your feelings are not always wrong; they are often a reflection of reality as it is — and reality is harsh sometimes.
Michael Kozaki said:
SR, I’m not sure NLP could work when a women is lying to herself about what the actual problem is underlying what she wants to change.
Got it. I’m way off base. This helps me understand some things I’ve seen recently.
STMA, Your feelings are not always wrong; they are often a reflection of reality as it is — and reality is harsh sometimes.
Agreed. But life is so dang big, I’ve never had a problem with “not enough” things to work on, regardless of what jerks I’m working with. If I’m doing the dishes, I’m gonna be the best dang washer ever. If I’m working with toxic people, I just ignore them, withdraw, and smile away.
The book Man’s Search For Meaning, he’s in a concentration camp and yet finds meaning to life even there. I strongly doubt I’ll ever have an excuse for anything but being grateful in my short life.
St. Thomas More Academy said:
That book is incredible, as is “The Story of My Life” (Helen Keller). I will say that Helen Keller is what I’ve been reading lately (for obvious reasons). You are grateful for eyes that actually see and ears that actually hear which you always take for granted.