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Outward appearance and having some basic living skills are important, but are relatively easy to teach our girls. They are skills that are fairly easy to demonstrate. What must also be taught is inward refection and how this will color her relationships with others.
1. Teach her personal responsibility.
All children need to learn this, obviously, but girls today are often given a pass in this regard. They become a parent’s little princess to be coddled and sheltered from their own actions. In an effort to teach girls to be strong, independent and empowered our cultured has forgotten to teach that our actions have consequences. A girl needs to learn that real strength comes from the ability not to put her back up and give someone a piece of her mind, but from being able to analyze a given situation and realize the consequences of her actions in reacting to it. When your girls make a mistake, she must face the ramifications. Sheltering her from them is not helping her or doing her any favors. If she punches her brother and he hits her back (probably harder than she hit him), she needs to learn that that’s a natural reaction. Not that he did something wrong. If she does poorly on a test, it’s not that big bad teacher. She needs to study more. If she treats her courter with disrespect and disdain, then she can expect the same treatment in return or worse, indifference. Girls should not be sheltered from the realities of the world. It does them a great disservice.
2. Teach her about her innate nature.
Girls should be taught about their solipsism, hypergamy, and their proclivity to rationalize.
Hypergamy – While outright defining and identifying this might be difficult (and unnecessary) while a girl is young parents can definitely influence these impulses. I think a girls father is going to be the one to do this. Girls work to impress and win their fathers attention and pride just like a girl will want to do this with men when she is ready (or not ready). A girls father can teach her what she should be focusing this impulse on and her mother can mirror the proper use of this impulse for her. A girl will learn that a good, confident, dominant, and simple man (simple in terms of his possessions, job, etc) can fulfill all of her needs and make her incredibly happy. Or conversely, the parents can teach her that only money and possessions can fulfill this need and eventually she will wonder why she feels as if something is missing and why she is so unhappy. Hypergamy can very much be influenced by parents teaching how it should be channeled. While the nice house and car might still be a temptation for her, it will feel small in comparison to finding a true leader to be her husband.
Solipsism – Beginning to teach what this is can start very young. It is evident that young girls tend to personalize everything. When this happens, it is easy to point out that not everything that is being said is about her in particular. She can start to think about what situations actually apply to her and which do not. Little girls can also begin to watch how their mother uses her own solipsism to care for the family. Mothers are innately concerned for their own. This is a good thing in that it can be a counter balance to her husbands innate desire to go out into the world and explore, influence and conquer. While her husband will be the counter balance to the mother’s proclivity to think only of home. This balance is an important thing for any child to witness.
Rationalizations – Mothers are going to be much better than fathers at identifying this, mostly because we recognize it from ourselves. Little girls are surprisingly good at rationalizing their behavior or spinning their words to get what they want. Parents should identify this and simply make their girls state the real reason for doing or asking for what they want. “Daddy, may I please have a cookie because I am cranky and that will help me to behave. It’s the only thing that will make me happy!” No. Tell me why you really want a cookie and we’ll see. And, no. You are not going to get away with being cranky and get a cookie to pull yourself out of that. Pull yourself out and then we’ll see. “Mommy, I think we should all go to the gym today because I know how much you like working out!” Thank you, sweetheart, but if you want to go play with the kids at the gym, just say so, please.
Don’t accuse them of lying (unless it is a blatant lie). Many times, girls actually believe what they are saying because whatever they choose to say could be an actual reason for what they want. It just might not be the reason. Try to make them voice the reason so that this becomes the habit. As they get older it will be harder (hopefully) for them to believe rationalizations over their true reasons. I do not call out every single rationalization my girls make because I think if it is done too much it can hinder a woman’s ability to apply feminine wiles. But it will help her choose what she says and how she says it in different situations. The goal is not to teach her to think like a man so man so much as it is to have her identify this problem and rectify it so as to be respectful to those around her and to identify the truth of things for herself.
3. Teach her that her emotions do not equate to the truth.
Women are emotion based creatures. We just are. That does not mean that we should be allowed to hide behind our emotions and use them to manipulate others or the world around us. Teach your girls about criticism early. Criticism, when done well, is a good thing. Without accepting it, we cannot learn. During school and debates/conversations that we have around the kitchen table, we criticize our children or people they may have learned about in school or elsewhere. Their history lessons come up quite often and we will discuss the people they are learning about. We will ask their opinions on different matters and then explain why we think they were wrong or right. Sometimes, hearing they are wrong, upsets them. We use this time to teach them that while the criticism might hurt, how much more would it hurt later in life if we didn’t properly teach them just because their feelings were hurt? What might they miss out on? I also try to point out that just because they might feel hurt, that doesn’t mean that is what I an trying to do. It is my job to teach them and that means that I cannot always be “nice”. That, in fact, it would be incredibly wrong of me not to teach them the truth (of whatever it is we are talking about) just because they didn’t like what I had to say. I then ask, would it be right of me to let you think something is true when it’s not, just because you didn’t like how it felt? They are getting this and they are learning. Our dinner conversations are amazing partly because of this. They can take an idea counter to theirs without much difficulty and think it through. This also begins to teaches them not to hide behind their feelings which does no one any good.
Girls should be able to look at the following and laugh at it’s ridiculousness (H/t Free Northerner)
4. Teach her the gifts that she can bring to her marriage.
I think girls should be taught from a young age that they need to make a decision about marriage. Do they wish to marry or not? If they do, there are things that wives need to know. To expand on a couple of ideas, girls need to learn to respect their men. This starts in watching how her mother relates to her father. She will watch you intently. But also, both parents should talk about it’s importance to help solidify the idea in her mind. It will mean more to her when she practices this on her father and he corrects her wrongs and praises her rights. But Mom can be play a big part in guiding her in when to do and say (and not say) certain things. Mom can help her to learn to love serving the men in her life and find the joy in helping out in every way she can. In my experience, girls beam when they have the chance to help and serve their fathers.
Also, girls need to learn and understand the gift of their virginity. This is hard to understand because many of the explanations for it’s importance are lacking today. Religion tells us to wait because it’s right. Well, why is it right? Our parents tell us to wait because we should value our bodies. Okay, but Susie isn’t a virgin and she’s doing great. Also, look at all the attention she is getting! What’s the big deal? Women just can’t really relate to these reasons because we can’t feel it. We cannot feel the disgust at the thought of marry a high N girl many men feel because we know that there is a double standard. We just don’t understand it. We need to help our girls feel it. I have posted this before and I find it quite helpful. It’s a comment from Carlotta at Alpha Game:
I showed them some jewelery that I was saving for them to wear on special occasions when they are older. I then told them that they had to wait to wear it, but every single other person I could find would get to wear it, break it, steal a piece and throw it in the mud…but eventually they would get the diamond necklace.
Neither wanted it.
“Good, that is how a good man will feel about a women who has let every Tom, Dick and Harry feel up her goods around town.”
This evokes a feeling in a girl that will help her to understand. However, since this comment has been made, Danny has come up with an analogy that can really help send home the idea of a high N girl that girls and women can much better relate to (while I absolutely love the key/lock analogy, it elicits little feeling beyond anger (and how clever it is)). Used bubble gum.
marrying or committing to a slut is like finding a piece of chewed bubble gum on a park bench and deciding that it’d be a good idea to put it in your mouth.
This is visceral. This we can feel and therefore, better understand. Once she can feel this, explain that her virginity is a gift to her husband. Something that she can give to him. It is more concrete and therefore makes more sense to a girl than being told it is just the right thing to do. It may or may not give her the countenance she needs but it will give her a much better understanding of one of the reasons to wait.
Girls need to learn to look inward and digest what they see. Our innate nature is not wrong, but some of it will need to be fostered and some of it will need to be controlled. Girls and women can do this, when taught how. Start them young.
On the Rock 
Your #2 is downright awesome (in your post, I wouldn’t know about anywhere else). This seems like it would be a really effective technique.
There’s a lot of talk out there in the sphere regarding how it hurts boys to not have a dad around growing up. I’d be curious as to your opinions (either in comments or in a future post) on how being raised by a single mom could affect girls.
Or, if you’re aware of anybody else who’s already explored it, please point me in the right direction.
But in case I ever a mini-female running around, you’ll be a resource.
Stingray, this is an epic post. So much valuable information here.
Some of these things I can see my parents did with me and they served me very well – # 3 in particular. Others they didn’t teach me at all, like #4, probably because they think that marriage success is based purely on compatibility.
The part on rationalisations is interesting. My parents always jokingly pointed out my rationalisations (or maybe it was just my mom?), so I knew I could never really use any on them. But I used them on everyone else and relished getting away with it. I was very conscious of ‘feeling the lie’ and thereby ‘making it true’. Somehow the solid example of morality my parents set wasn’t enough to counteract the rush I got out of acting immorally. In my early twenties my moral system just sort of kicked in.
This is something that really concerns me in the prospect of raising a child. To what degree do other people/kids have this? Is there some way my parents could have prevented my love of immorality?
Martel,
I think the statistics have been explored about girls being raised by single mothers, but I can’t remember where I read it. Things like age of first sexual encounter, teenage births and the like. My first thought is that for any girl, her dad is always her first taste of alpha. I don’t care how beta the man is, to her, her’s alpha through and through. The time frame this lasts will be different from father to father (the more alpha the man, the longer she sees it). Her father will be the first man to color her impression of all other men in her life. Imagine the implications of that.
Phedre,
Thank you as well.
To what degree do other people/kids have this? Is there some way my parents could have prevented my love of immorality?
I don’t have the answer to these questions. I wish I did. We try as best we can to teach the do unto others morality. I try to teach my girls how what they say and do would make them actually feel. We teach what God expects from them and why (as best we can) and hope that they can understand. We’ll be teaching the classics and I hope that they help guide them as well. The good news is that, without your parents guidance, you morality system may not ever have kicked in. How many people are in that position today? It’s a scary thought.
” Her father will be the first man to color her impression of all other men in her life. Imagine the implications of that.”
Which is why the role of father is so significant. In fact, I tend to think that the most important choice a woman can make in her life concerns who she chooses as the father of her children.
Stingray,
I’ve read somewhere that the part of the brain responsible for ‘morality’ is the last to develop – often in the late teens or early twenties. So in a normal person at least something – probably the big things, like do not kill – will come in no matter what. But the huge number of adults I see behaving immorally suggests that the little things do need to be taught, and taught carefully and well.
I think raising children that believe in God and understand the level of moral behaviour He expects is key. I was raised an atheist, and so being good was just ‘something you should do’. This meant it was an anchorless injunction, and as such was open to questioning, just like everything else in the world. Only Something beyond the world can act as an immovable anchor for morality, one Whose standards are rigid and not open to rationalisation.
Moreover, even highly moral atheists like my parents will not have the impetus to develop and heighten their good-doing on a constant basis as would someone whose standards are not their own small, human ones, but those of the Lord.
@ Stingray: “I’ve read somewhere that the part of the brain responsible for ‘morality’ is the last to develop – often in the late teens or early twenties.”
Very interesting, especially considering that the part of the female brain focused on spirituality and worship is the same as the part focused on sexual gratification (Oh my GOD!!)
So imagine the effects if the part of the brain I’m talking about is kicked into high gear by a negative Alpha before the part you’re talking about develops. The gratification that comes from sex could be forever prioritized over any sense of morality, and both could be therefore permanently disassociated from God.
Yes, this could be overcome, but it would obviously be harder for such a girl than one who either a) held off on sex until she her morality matures or b) has sex with a God-fearing, deserving Alpha.
aaaaaaaw……linkage. thanks Angel-face.
donalgraeme,
I hadn’t really thought much about it before, in such direct terms, but I think you are right.
So in a normal person at least something – probably the big things, like do not kill – will come in no matter what.
I wonder . . .? Or perhaps it’s because kids and teens simply do not want to face the consequences? It’s a bit frightening to contemplate.
Only Something beyond the world can act as an immovable anchor for morality, one Whose standards are rigid and not open to rationalisation.
This is something I have wondered and wondered about. Why? This morning I think I was able to make a bit of sense of it. I have often stated that women need/want on anchor of her man. Hence the name of the blog. We want a strong sturdy rock to cling to in the storm. Men need this as well, hence the Rock of God and the Church. I can’t believe I never put this together in a more coherent way in my thoughts. It makes perfect sense as well in terms of God>Man>Woman>Child. Each is the anchor for the person below. Your comment made that come into much sharper focus. Thank you.
Martel,
FYI: Phedre made that statement.
So imagine the effects if the part of the brain I’m talking about is kicked into high gear by a negative Alpha before the part you’re talking about develops.
EXACTLY! This is why fathers, especially strong fathers, are so incredibly important. They need to be there and not just part time. Not only will her father be her anchor for morality, but he will be her influence for the type of man she wants as her apex alpha.
There seems to be a universal theme floating around among women that they’ll give in on sex because they want to keep whatever guy hoping that it’ll make him fall in love with her.
But it never works out quite as planned either
a) She’s right, he does fall in love with her because of the sex, but that just turns him into a whipped beta and she loses interest
or more likely
b) She’s wrong, and he just counts her as a notch and moves on.
If she doesn’t give in, the PUA will move on. It’ll hurt like hell for her, but in the long run she’ll be better off. In a worthy Alpha, resistance will merit his respect and he’ll be more likely to commit.
Young female emotions have a very hard time grasping this, however, so it’s something I would emphasize repeatedly to a daughter as soon as she knows the birds and bees.
Your kids are incredibly lucky! I can only imagine how different my life would be today if my mother had taught me, oh you know, ANYTHING. Granted, I was one of the youngest & my parents were old & tired by the time I came along 🙂
It’s the whole baby book phenomena – the first one is filled out in excruciating detail, the second one filled out haphazardly, the third barely at all, the fourth not at all, the fifth doesn’t even get bought, etc.
Fantastic, comprehensive post. Bookmarked for reference. Well done.
The salvation of the culture will not be in our generation but in the next. If we make Stingray’s precepts real in our children.
Martel,
The sex issue is incredibly confusing for girls/women. Even around the sphere you see differing opinions, from he won’t wait more than three dates, to she needs to put out in a reasonable time, to she must be a virgin. I don’t have the answer other than what you said. Emphasize what is the most likely to happen and teach her to stick to her guns. I know a lot of guys say that if she is into you she will put out, but there has got to be other ways a girl can show that she is very highly attracted to a man but she has to wait. It’s all in the body language.
Thank you, Tempest. May I ask how many brothers and sisters you have?
Thank you, Matt. The battle to be fought for our children is nearly inconceivable to me. And following some of the politics around teaching or children, it may get worse.
4 sisters & 2 brothers – sister, brother, sister, sister, me, sister, brother. My parents were both from large families, to so I’m related to a good chunk of my town!
@ Stingray: “And following some of the politics around teaching or children, it may get worse.”
“He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.”
― Adolf Hitler
About the sex issue. Some bloggers say it’s ok to wait for a girl, if she isn’t a slut, clearly wants you sexually, but doesn’t want to put out yet, for prudent reasons. However, a man must be smart to follow that advice, since he should be able to differentiate between real desire and a woman faking it to lock him in. These guys are not inclined to wait, but often they can. Especially the more traditional types.
Btw, the picture is not funny, it’s terrifying. She “needs” feminism to put men in jail for rape, because they didn’t read her mind and realizing that she didn’t really mean yes.
She doesn’t need feminism, just a good dose of decisiveness and personal responsibility, which is why it’s a good illustration for your post 🙂
Tempest,
Ha! Is that fun or difficult? I have some family that I get along amazingly well with and some I don’t care to spend any time with. I hope it’s more of a good thing in your case.
Martel,
Yes, I am wondering more and more if what we are seeing in our schools wasn’t intentional
Emma,
I have seen the same regarding the male bloggers. I think the girl just has to show she is head over heels but be adamant in her desire to wait. The man has a tougher job, I think.
Regarding the picture, you’re right in that it’s not funny. My stomach dropped when I first read it, but while I was writing this post I was imagining my daughters reading it at their young age and getting a good chuckle out of it. I can see the looks of confusion and their smirks now. 🙂
Usually fun – sometimes they try to gang up on you, lol. We all have a weekend planned soon to go gambling in Tunica & that’s always fun. There are always birthdays & holidays, so I see them a lot & we all bring food, etc.
@ Stingray, Emma: I won’t make any declaration as to whether or not/how long a girls should wait, but I will stand by my claim that if she does it primarily to make him fall in love with her, she’s bound to be disappointed.
How much waiting will hurt her depends a lot on how she does it. The one thing she should NEVER be is a tease. If she’s not going to give in, she’s got to be consistent about it. If she’s only going to go so “far”, she needs to keep reminding him that there WILL be a limit (which is extremely tough to do, as every guy knows). “I”m not sure” means she will if you just figure out the right way to get through to her. “Maybe” means her hamster is trying to find a loophole. If she says something like “tonight’s going to be special” and “special” turns out to mean she’s finally willing to listen to Led Zeppelin IV with him all the way through, game over. He’s gone.
But I can say that a woman who I will always remember (and could have married if I didn’t get swept away into a different country) was one who held off even though she REALLY didn’t want to. She couldn’t keep her eyes open, and when she did manage to open them out streamed tears. She couldn’t stand up straight, Her stomach was convulsing, but she would. not. give. in. One one hand, I was disappointed. On the other hand, I was really impressed. Girl had some strength of character.
Regarding who has it tougher, I think it depends a lot on the individual. I think the dude who probably has it tougher than anyone is Tim Tebow. If “Alpha” is defined by how desired a man is, America’s top Alpha is ironically a virgin who can’t even get signed by an NFL team. He’s probably been nearly raped in restrooms dozens of times ever since middle school. I think every woman’s hamster could find an excuse for him. The bad girls would want to be the first to “corrupt” him, good girls would feel safe to put themselves in any situation with him (he’s a virgin, what could possibly happen?), and even women who aren’t attracted are sure they could make a mint selling the story to some tabloid.
Men and women who want to hold off each have their challenges. Men risk being seen as wimpy if they don’t go for it, and I’m sure that many a dude who’s held off has been accused of being gay. Escalation is necessary to maintain attraction, so what do you do if you can’t escalate? And there’s the simple biological drive…
For women, much of what kept them “safe” in prior eras no longer applies. Fear of pregnancy, disease, or ostracism? Gone. Family restrictions are out the window.
A commenter at Heartiste said a while back that women give themselves too much credit for restraint. Some boring schlub propositions her, she says no, she gives herself credit for having awesome willpower.
But put her in a room with an Alpha and see how much restraint she’s got. As much restraint as the loyal surgeon husband who has nurses throwing themselves at him all day every day? I doubt it.
Martel,
Do you suggest promising there will be sex, and following through on it later?
Emma: What I’m saying is that if you’re not going to have sex for moral reasons, be clear and consistent about it.
We live in a world in which damn near every girl “does”, so if a girl denies a guy sex, his assumption is going to be that it’s because she’s not really into him, she’s stringing him along, that his game isn’t good enough, etc.
http://therationalmale.com/2011/11/10/good-girls-do/
And any guy who knows women will assume that if she’s not giving it to him, she either is to somebody else, or would if circumstances were different (i.e. Rollo’s proverbial foam party). There are stories floating around all over the place both from guys who couldn’t get it from a Christian girl, only to find out she hooked up with some player at a frat part and from players who got the virginity that was supposed to go to a future husband:
http://www.returnofkings.com/9782/why-christian-men-dont-deserve-virgins
So that’s an extra challenge if she’s committed to a more traditional form of courtship. Unlike eras past in which it was expected she wait, today the guy takes it as a direct hit to his ego (and I’m sure the same goes for girls in a different, yet more intense way–one way to ensure a woman DESPISES you is to turn her down for sex). I therefore recommend, IF this is the course she chooses, that she be cognizant of this and act accordingly.
Regarding “promises” and “follow through”, if a promise is made, there should be follow through. And if she’s not going to follow through or is still making up her mind, then no promise should be made. If a worthy guy starts feeling strung alone, he’ll bolt.
The only potential advantage to being a tease is to string alone a beta orbiter who’s filling some other need (helps around the house, a good shoulder to cry on, etc.)
The one thing she should NEVER be is a tease.
I completely agree. A girl who wishes to remain a virgin, yet teases, is on a power trip. I’m not sure it makes her much better than a promiscuous woman. It’s wrong. Thank you for your other examples as well. The “maybe” and “I’m not sure” are likely just going to be seen as invitations for the guy to push harder.
so if a girl denies a guy sex, his assumption is going to be that it’s because she’s not really into him, she’s stringing him along, that his game isn’t good enough, etc.
One of the many, many reasons I hate feminism.
I’m not going to boldly declare that we should always WAIT, but it’s obvious that something really important is missing in sex today.
I thought you might find this intersting:
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/05/is-sex-still-sexy/275936/
Two new aphorisms that escaped my lips in one visit to the playground this afternoon:
1. Your face is your future.
2. Don’t argue when you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Stingray,
Great post. It’s a good outline, with a lot of common sense throughout.
You did an especially nice job, pointing out the subtle errors that creep into a (young) woman’s mind. And how parents (especially fathers) can combat these problems. Without guidance, a girl is bound to find trouble and won’t see it coming until it’s much too late.
Raising daughters is a tough job and requires constant vigilance. I’m exhausted trying to get ours ready to meet the world. Their minds are like battlegrounds for competing ideas and influences. As a result, They test, and test, and test some more, trying to find the truth. Trial and error will produce too many scars until they recognize the truth.
Thanks for pointing out the truth. It’s not heard enough these days.
Kate,
I love #2. I might have to steal that one from you. As regards # 1, I would amend it to a part of her future, but at her age, it might be moot.
Alan,
Thank you.
I wonder if you realize how profoundly true your statement about their minds being a battle ground is. It can literally feel like a battle ground in there when a woman is trying to piece together the truth. Especially when it is a truth she does not want to hear nor accept. The ideas feminism tries to sell are much easier to accept because it is very much what we want. It isn’t until we are too old and it is too late that we can better see it for what it is. Pain up front is far easier to deal with than pain later on that cannot be easily diminished.
Especially when it is a truth she does not want to hear nor accept.
This statement is where mothers shine, which is why I appreciate it. Your witness helps to convince a girl in the middle of mental chaos. Your female experience confirms her father’s guidance. The two combined are far more potent than either one alone. As you said, when she is forewarned, she can avoid the deeper pain of lost opportunity.
Alan,
I wish more people would make the connection that you made. A wife standing behind her husband to the benefit of her children is a powerful thing. In women’s quest for power, she forgoes her children for herself. What makes this even more sad is that she thinks she is leading some kind of good example for her daughter to follow.
Slightly OT, but, since most people oppose public schooling, I wanted to share that for this week my school is having presenters in for the “WAIT Program” (an abstinence course). The presenter for my group if absolutely fantastic, she obviously exemplifies every Christian ideal, and the stuff that is being taught is completely red pill. So far. Will see what the next day holds. The main point of today’s session was to impress upon the kids that until 25, their prefrontal cortex (risk assessment section) is not fully developed. She was talking about emotion-based decision making with them, will be going over love vs. infatuation. I am just thrilled that my school is getting this information to the kids (ages 11-14) at the time when its most important to them.
That is great news, Kate! Let us know how today went (and I hope well). How did the kids seem to respond to it?
Part of the kids’ response was due to the quality of the presenter, but they were rapt. Shared things I’d never heard them say before, etc. These messages and information are so needed. She did this on great activity with them where they started out keeping one balloon afloat. Then she would toss them a second balloon representing a girlfriend/boyfriend, a third representing an unexpected pregnancy, etc. It became difficult for them to keep all balloons in the air and quite quickly illustrated the point of waiting and not taking on too much at once. There’s only one more day that I get to play host to and then another teacher does it, but she has mentioned they will discuss further the media’s portrayal of drinking, drugs, sex, etc., pornography, anatomy lessons, pregnancy myths. I mean, its all getting covered. She also is stressing that they know who they are and have goals for their future. Also explaining how behavior creates pathways in the brain that can be hard to change. As she was talking today, I was thinking, I wish I could do what she is doing. Teaching English is great, but I’ve been feeling for a couple years I want to do more. What she is teaching is the most valuable information anyone can provide to teens. Maybe its something I could do as a second career after “retirement” (i.e. after my daughter is eighteen and working year round might be less of a drawback).
Thanks for sharing in my excitement! 🙂
Hi Stingray. I linked to your blog from Dalrocks. Very well thought out post. I enjoyed it.
Reading the comments discussing that girls should tell the guy why she’s waiting so not to hurt his feelings….the longer I’m in the sphere, the more I’m convinced that women are perverts. The fact that they would still consider such a guy who doesn’t believe in abstenance…..no longer shocks me as it would have in my blue pill days, but still….women are sex driven perverts who value sex over family and children. I hope that doesn’t come off as offensive. It just helps too reinforce the things i need to know, and so I thank you and the commenters..
Liberty, Family, and Masculinity,
It doesn’t come off as offensive so much as a bit strange. To say women are perverts in the general sense is saying that we are sexual deviants. It is not sexual deviancy to want to have sex. It’s biology. Men want to have sex too. It’s wired. Now, you might say that it is societal deviancy to teach men and boys, and women and girls that having promiscuous sex is acceptable and even better than waiting for marriage. It is one of the many things leading to our societal decline. It is both sexes being taught this and women may be more prone to it because getting sex for most of us is quite easy. To imply that most men would not behave the same given the opportunity given what our culture teaches our children is incorrect, I think.
So basically, what is perverted is that we teach all of our children that not waiting for marriage and that family and children are a distant second to premarital sex.
Kate,
I truly hope that message sticks with those kids. There is so much of the opposite being thrown at them, but at least they are getting an opposing view. Not all children have that luxury.
Stingray: Some resources from today’s talk. We saw a short clip from author Chad Eastham where he talked about the brain differences in guys and girls. The book is called Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti. Upon searching I see he has a whole host of books for teens.
http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=chad+eastham&tag=mh0b-20&index=aps&hvadid=1695598634&ref=pd_sl_5ixij5zp5j_e
Today she covered chemicals: endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, and testosterone explaining what each one does and how we can get these same chemicals from positive and negative sources and gave them lots of example of how to achieve them positively.
I learned something new about sperm that I thought was really cool. Apparently, not all sperm are intended to implant. Some are some kind of helper sperm, I guess. But, after the one does make its way in, a chemical is released that kills the rest of them. Fascinating stuff.
Especially good today was helping the kids determine between love and infatuation. In talking to the presenter, she suggested something to me called “Focus on the Family,” which I’ve yet to look up.
I’m going to miss hearing the next two sessions, but I know STDs will be covered and she mentioned the following website as helpful for statistics: cdc.gov
Anyway, another great session! Tomorrow, back to grammar 🙂
@Stingray
I’m a Christian, so I’m not really speaking about what the world does. But I’m just not seeing Christian single men chasing after promiscuous women, but i do see Christian single women chasing after promiscuous men.
We could talk about nature vs. nurture, but I’ve not seen any conclusive evidence either way.
In either case, the Christian women I know trend to base their dating decisions based on lust. Granted, Christian men are taught to control their lust and women aren’t. That in itself may be the contributing factor. But if a Christian man were chasing after prostitutes, we’d call him a pervert. So i think the shoe fits when applying the label to women also.
But if a Christian man were chasing after prostitutes, we’d call him a pervert. So i think the shoe fits when applying the label to women also.
Ok. This I get.
It is not sexual deviancy to want to have sex.
Hypergamous girls only tingle for the highest value men. It is so much easier for betty goodchurchgirl to tell danny beta churchgoer that shes waiting, because shes not attracted to him. Its a sneaky way of saying ‘i will never have sex with you,but i expect you to help me move house, be a shoulder to cry on when my alpha jerk breaks it off, and provide attention and affirmation when i demand it.’
The sexual issue is that she gives herself to the situational alpha then decries all responsibility for her actions: It just happened. I just found myself there. I wasnt planning this…
Beta church boy attracts so few women and has little need to avoid temptation. But he is the target of church shaming, lecturing on responsibility, and man up messages.
Meanwhile, goog church girl can do no wrong. When she falls pregnant to harley rockbanddrummer, its because ‘he took advantage of her.’ Not because she acted on hypergamy, has moral agency but still chose to fornicate anyway.
Sexually active church girls can gey forgiveness, but the scars remain. She marry the beta later, but is nor attracted to him, has been ruined by her five minutes of alpha, and is more likely to divorce him.
But hey, thats alright. The man is always wrong, right? The pastor said so.
an observer,
Thank you for the further explanation. Now that L,F, and M explained further i understand what he meant and I agree. Those pastors (and the congregation, the parents, etc) are committing a worse sin, IMHO than the girls but the girls must be held accountable as well. I find it horrible how girls are rays of sunshine and can do no wrong. It does no one any good.
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The culture is anti-inner development. That’s changing. I teach Ayurveda, Meditation and Vedanta philosophy and the increase in clientele from 10 years ago til now is record breaking. Americans and Westerners in general are coming around. They want more than what their materialistic families, cultures, corporations and pornography offers them.
So what you right is beneficial. It goes deeper than all that though.
I wish all American parents well in their efforts to slow down, simplify and deepen the culture for their children.
It starts with one. Then, each one teach one.
Within 50 years we can bleed this beast and create a much more humane, civilized and refined culture for ourselves and our descendents.
Interesting. I learned the following in these regards, which I think have helped me immensely.
#3 on emotions — emotional expressions were not allowed. Simply weren’t. It taught you to keep them under control. Now, I made mistakes in this regard. They’d bubble up regardless, and my parents ignored them. If I still pushed the issue, then, I usually got a souvenir as to what would happen if I kept it up, and it was one I didn’t like, so I learned a lesson. Learned that men will ignore you completely if you show it, so I learned not to. Worked great.
On rationalizing — learned a lot about that, too. I started rationalizing when I was a child, and while sometimes got away with it, most of the time didn’t. But I wasn’t sure how to get what I wanted. Tried it in marriage early on — it does NOT work. So I learned how to do for myself. If I wanted something, and I could get it myself, well, you make a plan to get it. If it requires the cooperation of someone else, well, too bad. Find an appropriate substitute.
Wiles do not work. Direct asking sometimes works, but not very often. You need to learn to do for yourself. Your husband works hard all day and to expect or ask for anything more is overdoing it and putting too much demand on him. You will be told about it eventually, so why bother even going there? Just do what you need to do.
At least that’s what I’m hoping to teach my daughters. Don’t be a burden.
Someone also mentioned this: “The one thing she should NEVER be is a tease.”
Absolutley. In addition, don’t tolerate teasing yourself. Always be polite, but if someone teases you — even a family member — you are done with them. Be polite when you see them, don’t ever be rude, but never confide in them either, and never trust them. Because they tease, they cannot be trusted.
Wiles do not work.
They can. Only it depends on the way they are employed.
Direct asking sometimes works, but not very often. and You need to learn to do for yourself.
It depends on what you need, in my experience. I ask directly for things all the time and the vast majority of the time, my husband will do it for me. Only, I’ve learned what to ask help with. If I”m just being lazy, forget it. If I need help, he’ll help. I think most men will do this. Just be reasonable.
Don’t be a burden.
Absolutely. We are they to help. It is a respected position.
I’m glad it has worked for you and for others. But I would have to say, that it is rare and most often one is considered to be lazy and worthy of being ignored. It concerns me that on most of the conservative Christian blogs there is heavy emphasis, and a great deal of rebuking concerning, on “serve ’till you collapse”, which many a reader of these words will end up doing, because they were raised to believe it, and then they enter their marriages determined to make them successful. Having never been taught appropriate boundaries — and we are not talking here of moral boundaries, they have those and hold those firmly, we are talking about personal boundaries and the fact that they have been told that it is appropriate to allow their authority figures to impose inappropriately on them — they end up sick, either physically or mentally/emotionally.
Many men, in my experience, determine for themselves if their wives are lazy, and they usually decide their wives are lazy or that they are simply “talking too much”. They will either ignore or lecture, until their wives have had all they can take.
There is much talk regarding how we are innately feminist and solipist (is that a word?). It is very easy for some unsuspecting young wife to immediately throw herself into serving excessively until she is on the verge of a breakdown — something which men generally do not see, and when they finally do see it, they often will mock at it, ignore her, or lecture her. When she then seeks help from Godly sources, she is usually met with yet another lecture regarding serving, she returns yet again to working herself to death, and so the cycle continues. It is unsustainable.
Making sure she knows about how “deceitful” her nature is (my term, I acknowledge you did not use that word) does very little to help. Emphasizing that she’s basically self-centered (solipsism) and overly emotional without the counterbalance of instructing her about developing boundaries is going to eventually do more harm than good. In fact, slowly slipping into the household servant mode, the person whom everyone can walk on and insult is eventually going to make her husband despise her anyway. It is only when she learns to protect her boundaries and say “NO” to her authority figures when they are imposing on her and insulting her that there can be any mutual esteem.
I once had to listen to a very insulting speech that hurt me to the core. I protested against it, and was informed that what was spoken was “the truth”, I had no reason to feel insulted, and stop taking everything personally. In the end, to keep the peace, I had to apologize to the man who insulted me (for taking it personally), with absolutely no reciprocation whatsoever. My relationship with that individual has been permanently colored by that event. This was years ago, yet the injustice of this blazes to this very day. We remain polite of course (our close proximity requires it), but I learned years ago it would never be resolved in a mutually acceptable way. The only way was to take it, swallow and keep my mouth shut.
It is not until she learns how to say NO (and in this case, NO to the authority figure in her life, namely in this case her husband) at the times when she has hit her limit that she can make any headway in her life or in raising her children or in doing any of the things she needs to do. I have seen a heavy emphasis on how we are to be quiet, how we are to serve without end, how we are to love and take no account of anything else, etc. Take all this without education in boundaries, and you have a recipe for a nervous breakdown, and eventually more girls becoming feminists because they were tired of being walked on.
I realize this is not the norm today. But just as one end of society tipped overboard, it will not be helped by tipping the other end overboard as well, and consequently the possibility of swelling the ranks of the enemy in a future generation and having all your labor in raising the next generation come to naught. As a fellow mother, I strongly advise you to think that over.
Thank you for your consideration.
~ A “Reformed” household servant without end (all examples given are from my own personal experience, either my own or those in my immediate family)
all examples given are from my own personal experience, either my own or those in my immediate family
And here is the crux of it. I am sorry that you went through this and I believe there are some women out there who experience what you have. But the number of women with these experiences are very small. That is not to downplay what you went through, but I am not here to talk to these women and I get very few who come here. I write to those women who were raised in our very feminist world where most everything revolves around them. Where they are rarely told no in life. Where their husband’s bend over backwards to give them the world and are met with disdain and derision. Husbands who are disrespected, talked down to, divorced for frivolous reasons and left empty. These are the women who are the majority. These are the women who will benefit from what I write and I think, in many cases want to have good marriages, only they don’t know how. They cannot see what they are doing to sabotage it. Only what they believe their husbands are doing wrong.
The number of women who grow up in conservative Christian households and are taught what you speak of, are very small compared to the women whom I try to reach. Now, you may be thinking that I should be writing a caveat into each post so as to make the writing more clear, only doing that weakens every article I would write. It would have no effect as it only gives women who are looking for it an out. I will not do that. Do I have sympathy for the women you speak of? Yes. I do not know how to help them. It is foreign to me. I only know that a wife’s happiness is not dependent upon the man she married. It is dependent up her. You said that the injustice that was done to you blazes after years and that it colors the relationship to this day. That is your decision to hold onto this hurt. That is what you have decided to do rather than seek happiness. You can choose to let that hurt go or you can choose to hold onto it. I will not speak of whether or not this man deserves it because he is not here and I have no idea what happened. You can decide on a different path.
Yes, I believe fully that women today are innately feminist. We have been steeped in it since birth and literally can see no alternative because we aren’t even aware that things can be different. I also believe that we are innately solipsistic. We women tend to see the rest of the world through the lens of our own experiences. You demonstrated it here and admitted it throughout your post. I do not see this as a bad thing. It is inherent in our nature and can be used to do a lot of good. Whether it is good or bad is entirely dependent on what we do with it.